A common theme of 'recovery' (you'll see why I'm using the inverted commas in a moment) is this:
'My parents did not have the emotional tools. They were emotionally stunted. They could not give me the love I needed. But I've learned in [insert fellowship] that they were sick, and so I've had to let go of not getting the [insert commodity] I needed.'
This might be technically true, but there is another angle.
I was writhing in psychic agony for much of my childhood and adolescence. Yes, my parents made mistakes, and yes some bad things happened, and yes some of the cards I was dealt was not great.
But when I examine the gazillion things they did right (rather than the things they did wrong), a different story emerges.
They were within the usual bounds of a family. Dysfunctional? Depends how you define it. Frankly everyone I speak to, in recovery and out of recovery, has a story that could support the charge of being 'dysfunctional'.
Now, people do sometimes report family backgrounds that are way off the charts in terms of cruelty, violence, and exposure to events and activities that children should not be exposed to. I have to say, having spoken to thousands of people about their inventory over the years, these are not rare but they are not the norm. The norm is bog standard dysfunction.
Yes, all of the pain is real. I really was suffering. It almost killed me. The suffering was grave.
But why was I suffering? A dose of externally delivered challenges, sure, but there were also significant faults on my part that distorted and amplified the difficulties or even created them from scratch.
Chief amongst these are:
- A large does of ingratitude: a relentless focus on what was wrong rather than on what was right
- Bog-standard childish and adolescent selfishness and self-centredness: an abiding demand to be the constant centre of attention and to have receive endless 'psychological commodities' from my parents
- A refusal to take up help outside the family that was indeed available and offered
- A refusal, when actually taking up help, to engage in it open-mindedly and wholeheartedly
- Blindness and indifference towards their difficulties, challenges, and pain
Now, these are not jibes; they are just observations. These are attributable to immaturity and to bad programming, and I can hardly be criticised for those, but there they were: once I was in recovery, I grew up and reprogrammed myself / was reprogrammed.
The horror story of my childhood was based on nuggets of truth, but as processed by my ego. It's no good just 'getting over it': the story has to be unravelled and retold.
My parents were, in truth, neither cold-bloodedly cruel nor wicked, and both displayed immense virtues as well as some character defects. They did an enormous amount right as well as getting some things wrong. Just like me. Just like most people.
I've now dropped the patronising 'they did they best they could' and have replaced it with recognition and gratitude for the human beings who devoted decades of their lives to the often thankless task of bringing up me and my siblings.