In the real world, people have
boundaries, and you might get a second chance but not a third. Disciplinary
measures kick in. Doctor's surgeries deregister you after two missed
appointments. You're escorted from the shop as soon as you raise your voice. Be
rude to someone once and they jog on.
In dysfunctional families, people put
up with bad behaviour. There might be reprisals, reprimands, and
recriminations, but there are no boundaries. Everything's soon forgotten, or
more usually superseded by the next drama, so there are no lasting or impactful consequences.
When someone from a dysfunctional
background then encounters someone functional in recovery: a potential friend,
a sponsor, etc., or someone functional outside AA, e.g. a new employer, they
are often shocked to discover that there's no going back when a line is
crossed. This happened to me many times in early recovery.
The line was crossed deliberately and
knowingly: I knew I was acting out, but I had anticipated that, once I had
finished getting whatever it was off my chest and out of the way, once I had
finished playing up, once I had established my existential position and
performed my habitual historical re-enactment of some psychological scenario
(ten to one it would be an authority question), I could just slide back into
the old cosy chumminess.
That's not how it works.
It's also not how amends work. Sure,
amends are necessary, but pretty much no one I made amends to, even though
the amends were gratefully and graciously accepted, wanted to take the risk. What
is broken will often stay broken. Life's too short.
What is the lesson? That people in the
real world will give me one chance max; two if I am lucky, but certainly no
more, if they have their wits about them, and certainly not if I have been deliberately
provocative, rebellious, or rude. This means I have to keep myself within
bounds or suffer the consequences.
Footnote: Boundaries are not just for the person setting them. They're also for the benefit of the other person. If behaviour is not boundaried, it will repeat. If it is boundaried, there's the possibility of learning a lesson.