I've written before about language that reinforces grievance, victimhood, and impotence, covering phrases such as, 'You're not allowing me my feelings', 'You're not hearing me', 'You don't respect me', 'You're not safe to be around', 'You abandoned me.'
Here are a couple more.
'She could not see me.'
What this doesn't mean:
- She does not have eyes.
- She is blind.
- Her sightline was blocked by a physical object.
- I was using a Romulan cloaking device.
What this might mean:
- She did not agree with what I said.
- She used a non-sequitur. She changed the subject.
- She did not praise me.
- She turned her attention to someone else.
- She challenged the facts I was reporting.
- She challenged my perceptions or interpretations.
- Etc.
'She was not there for me / emotionally available to me'
This one is so vague as to be completely meaningless.
What this might mean:
- She did not actively call me.
- She did not contact me to arrange a visit.
- She arranged a visit but did not turn up.
- She did not return a phone call or text.
- I tried to arrange to meet but she was non-committal.
- I tried to arrange to meet, she said she would revert, but didn't.
- She called but did not ask me any questions about me.
- She called but kept the conversation brief.
- When I talked about me, she changed the subject.
- She challenged the facts I was reporting.
- She challenged my perceptions or interpretations.
- She offered solutions rather than sympathy.
- She speaks to me for only half an hour a day on the phone.
- She told me she does not want to hear about my problems.
There are endless other possibilities.
As you can see, the surface statement is quite meaningless. It could mean anything from the person actively avoiding me, to the person giving me huge amounts of time and attention, but even that not being enough.
When talking through difficulties, it's important:
- To be clear
- To be concrete
- To be specific
- To avoid ambiguous or vague language
- To avoid metaphorical or figurative language (unless the metaphor or figure is quite clear)
- To avoid exaggeration
- To avoid distortion
- To provide sufficient context
- To avoid demonisation of the other
- To avoid inappropriately casting oneself as the victim
- To avoid presenting judgments as descriptions.
Following the above principles helps me get to the truth, and, from there, to a solution, more quickly.