One of my tricks has been to get other people to do things for me that I can do for myself.
This has a number of psychological advantages:
- If I feel disconnected, this secures connection with another person
- If I have no sense of self, I need attention to exist, and this secures attention
- If I have no value, I secure temporary validation from someone I value
- If I feel guilty, portraying myself as helpless alleviates my guilt: my non-performance is not my fault
- It defers performance of my role until I have secured the resource I need: this provides a reprieve
- Where securing assistance is less effortful than performing the task, I save time and effort
- I perform 'willingness to engage' whilst giving others the responsibility for enabling the engagement
- I'm able to occasion others' action they had not planned, which means I am important and powerful
- The request establishes the relative importance of my time over yours
It's a skilful device, as, superficially, it is a 'kindness exchange': a trivial and non-threatening social interaction, which effectively masks the underlying purpose(s).
Variations available depending on the context include:
- Asking for help impersonally: the public 'scream'
- In this case, multiple people come to the rescue
- I'm the centre of a much wider circle of attention
- Creating the situation in which I require help in the first place, by:
- Constructing a problem or drama
- Not preparing and showing up unprepared
- Showing up late so others have to fill me in
There are, of course, situations where the securing and provision of help are quite legitimate.
Al-Anon cautions against helping people who could but do not help themselves. Why? Because it infantilises them and perpetuates this kind of transaction. If it's responded to, the psychological reward will be secured. The rat will continue hitting the pedal to deliver the dose of opioids.
A good test for whether there is something behind the innocent request, in addition to reviewing whether the help is actually needed, is repetition and selectivity. If everyone is asking a question, it's probably legitimate. If it's only a few people, or it's always the same person or persons, there's probably a game underway, in the Eric Berne sense.
How do I stop the game when I am playing it? Before asking a question, I ask myself: To what extent can I answer this question myself? To what extent can I satisfy this need myself? This always delivers the chilling answer.
How do I stop the game when others are playing it? Either ignore completely or get the individual to stand outside the game and view what is going on.