Apologising is hard. Even with good intentions, it's possible to get it wrong and make things worse. Here are some tips I find helpful. There are obviously exceptions, but these act as a general guide:
- If I don't think I've done anything wrong, I check the situation out with a grown-up
- If I really wasn't out of line but someone was upset, I often apologise anyway.
- I don't try to explain why I don't think they should be upset.
- I don't pin the upset on their unprocessed baggage or emotional eccentricity.
- I don't generally say 'I didn't mean to hurt you.' Being malicious is bad, but being careless, cavalier, or driven by unconscious forces actually makes me more, not less, dangerous.
- I don't attack back, overtly or covertly.
- I don't construe myself as the victim of their pushback.
- I don't deflect, divert, contextualise, or babble.
The simple formula:
- Admit it.
- Express regret.
- Ask what I can do differently in the future.
- Commit to that.