'Boundaries' are a common topic in recovery.
There are seven ways I can set a boundary:
- Say 'no, I can't'
- Say 'no, I don't want to'
- Make a polite request
- Offer a deal ('you do this, I'll do that')
- Overtly signal consequences ('if you ..., I'll ...')
- Covertly signal consequences (replying to nice texts and ignoring nasty ones)
- Taking matters into my own hands (do it myself, change the locks, block the number)
1, 2, 5, 6, and 7 work, because I'm the actor: I'm the one taking the decisive action.
3 and 4 work with reasonable people, but not with unreasonable ones.
It's important to understand, however, that these are not methods of changing others but navigating my own path, particularly if someone else is being inattentive, uncooperative, or obstructive. You can't change them, but you can work around them systematically and politely. That's what boundaries are for. They're to give me a method of proceeding in such a way that protects me and minimises harm to them. They're to stop me from being a jerk, not to stop them from being a jerk.
They're not going to change. Let me repeat that. They're not going to change. And on the rare occasions they do, it's not because you explained it nicely or followed the manual. It'll be because of factors outside your control and unaware of your schedule. So give up now. The baseline is actual stasis, with a tendency towards deterioration over time. So the decision about whether to stay or go is based less on how they'll be once you've been Al-Anon-ing at them for a few months and more about whether you would want to stay with them for another 40 years assuming that things will remain the same or get gradually worse. That's the scenario you're facing. Face the reality.
Once I face the reality, I learn to accept the reality. I do that by dropping the demands that they be other than they are. Then I can see what's left. Once I'm at peace, I can see whether there is any good purpose in remaining in the relationship (e.g. caring for an elderly relative). If there is, and I can work around their difficult behaviour practically, then the path becomes clear.
If the objective cannot be achieved, I just go and do something else. Something will show up. A non-crazy person. A Haydn sonata. A good book. Someone or something that's not going to jerk you around.
Save your breath, your time, your energy, and your life.