I've had some very nice sponsors over the years. Actually, all of them have been nice, but some struck me as particularly nice, because they never challenged me. Like good therapists, they remained entirely composed, and just asked me gentle questions.
There are some people this works with.
Not me.
I need blunt. I need not-so-nice.
I remember a situation many years ago where I was behaving inappropriately in a particular area and justifying it to myself. I didn't tell my sponsor, because I was frightened he would tell me off. So I found a nice person, sober longer than me, great programme, who listened to me talk endlessly about the situation and asked questions to help me explore my feelings about it. I gradually deteriorated, and the situation persisted, damaging me and people around me.
Eventually I told my sponsor. He was very rude. He told it to me 'straight', and by the end of the day the behaviour was halted in its tracks, I was redirected, and all the necessary steps had been taken to set myself on a new course and set certain other boundaries.
Being challenged is very painful, but it's the only way forward when the ego is on the rampage.
'Nice' does not work with ego. Sympathy, gentleness, all of the tools of 'love' do not have a loving effect, at least on me: they keep me trapped in my delusional hellscape. A sharp slap is the real tool of love, as it brings me back to reality.
I'm not perfect at responding to challenge, but I'm better than I used to be.
When I'm challenged by someone I've given spiritual consent to, I watch out for the following responses:
- Denial
- Deflection
- Defensiveness
- Self-justification
- Evasion
- Explanation
- Excuse
- Counter-attack
Instead, my job is to take it on the chin, and, if I can't, withdraw and consider it. If I feel attacked, I'm not thinking straight, so I need to get myself grounded and then consider the material.
If the challenger is regularly or consistently wrong, fine, but I need to find someone whose challenges I respect. If there is no one whose challenges I respect, and yet I have unsolvable problems, I'm in deep trouble.
Today, I welcome challenge from the people I give spiritual consent to, as it's the only way I move forward.