This is how I don't work on the relationship:
- Talking about the relationship to the person I'm in a relationship with
- In particular: talking in abstract or metaphorical terms
- In particular: talking in generalities
- Criticising, questioning, or challenging the other person
- Encouraging the other person to admit their faults
This is how I work on the relationship:
- Admit my faults
- Say to the other person:
- Is there anything you would like me to:
- Stop doing
- Start doing
- Do differently?
- Forgive them for everything by overlooking their 'faults'
- Negotiate on practical matters rationally, calmly, and at the right time
- Yield to the other person wherever possible
- Boundaries:
- Keep boundaries to entirely practical matters
- Express them as polite requests to
- Start doing something
- Stop doing something
- Do something differently
- Express them once, calmly and cheerfully, and at the right time
- Don't explain them or justify them
- Accept that the answer may be 'no'
- Remain cheerful, considerate, constructive, and helpful at all times
- Do lots of things for the other person
- Avoid the following:
- Keeping score
- Building cases
- Taking anything personally
- Making assumptions
- Planning, scheming, plotting
- Fixing, changing, controlling
- If unsure as to whether to say something, don't
- Anything that needs to be said can be said later