Sometimes, I have a problem. Sometimes I have a problem with other people! Some people suggest that, when we have a problem with someone, we should talk about that problem with them.
Very occasionally, there is something practical that legitimately needs to be discussed, e.g. whether we're going to visit your mother this weekend and, if not, what we're going to tell her. Or there might be discussion about where to go on holiday, where to store the these or the those, or gentle reminders to buy sticking plasters or turn off the hot water. In the absence of ego, these are good-natured games of chess.
No, I'm talking about problem problems, emotional maladjustments, resentments, fears, gripes, plights, grievances, those problems.
When I've got a problem with someone, what's usually going on is that my ego has made up a story about how the other person has got it wrong and needs to change for me to be OK. This story is untrue. If you've got a problem with me, the same is true.
Exchanging our respective egos' attack thoughts does not improve any relationship.
What improves any relationship is total forgiveness, which means overlooking everything that the other person has 'done', and total love, which means showing up, being present, acting constructively, and yielding wherever possible.
Is there any scope for talking?
Yes. If I'm not sure what to do to change myself, I can ask:
- Is there anything you would like me to stop doing?
- Is there anything you would like me to start doing?
- Is there anything you would like me to do differently?