The ego will give you an exciting life. Blueprints, strategies, plans, journeys, highs, lows, fear, frustration, disappointment, despair, but, hey, you're the hero of the show!
The side effects of the product 'ego', all forms of negative feeling, are unpleasant. I used to go to spiritual books, spiritual people, meetings, the programme, sponsors, Steps, God for relief from the side effects, but I did not want to turn the show off.
I wanted the drug, but not the side effects.
I wanted the sugar, but not the low.
I wanted the hit, but not the comedown.
I got relief by sharing the negative feeling, receiving attention, reassurance, and encouragement, and having the solution laid out. But I implemented that solution either not at all or only sporadically and half-heartedly. I read about the solution and agreed with it. I just didn't apply it.
Why?
I still wanted to be me. I still basically wanted to be the hero of the show. The ego, rightly, sensed threat. If I were to actually let go of it, it would wither and die.
When I was daily scooping out the water from the sinking vessel, handing over things I'd handed over a hundred times before, forgiving someone I'd forgiven a hundred times before, the truth was I'd never handed over and I'd never forgiven, not really, because I'd never challenged the underlying system.
The solution?
I don't know. Maybe my reaction to life eventually wore me down. But now I genuinely want change. I want self to go and stay gone, and the daily actions are there not to alleviate the side effects but to zap its remnants and fortify the structures against its return. It's still there and does flare up but it's no longer the prime mover in my life.