Chapter 7: WORKING WITH OTHERS
The
following quotations largely concern working with other alcoholics. However,
they also contain principles applicable to relationships. What I have written
sets out ideals. Sometimes I live up to them. Sometimes I don't. Progress has
been made. All of the ideas have come from elsewhere. I have just collected
them and written them down.
Practical
experience shows that nothing will so much ensure immunity from drinking as
intensive work with other alcoholics. It works when other activities fail. This
is our twelfth suggestion: Carry this message to other alcoholics!
·
To have a healthy
relationship with my other half, I have to depend on God
·
To depend on God, I
have to work for God
·
That means I have to
spend 'much of my free time' (page 19) sponsoring others or engaged in other
twelfth-step work
·
The relationship
with God is the most important relationship
·
It is what enables a
healthy relationship with another human being
·
When I engage in
enough sponsorship and service, I find my relationship is healthy
So
cooperate; never criticize. To be helpful is our only aim.
·
I get to cooperate
in my other half's activities, when I am invited to do so
·
I get to cooperate
in our joint activities: together we establish what we are going to do and how
we are going to do it
·
We do this in a
'group conscience meeting'
·
Cooperation involves
firstly taking concerted action and secondly yielding to the other person
wherever reasonable and possible
·
If the other person
is reasonable, it is almost always reasonable and possible to yield
·
My other half and I
do not criticise each other
·
However, we will
sometimes make requests of the other person going forward
·
These are made
politely, quietly, calmly, and at the right time
·
The other person is
entitled to respond if they wish, as they wish, and when they wish
·
We do not argue
·
The only aim of the
relationship is to be helpful to the other person
·
It is an opportunity
for service
·
Everything I do not
like is an opportunity for forgiveness
·
Forgiveness means me
changing my attitude
·
I rely on God
·
Sometimes God
supplies me with what I need through the relationship
·
Sometimes what I
need comes through other channels
...
to put yourself in his place, to see how you would like him to approach you if
the tables were turned.
·
When I am unclear or
disapproving, I ask God to show me how the world looks from my other half's
point of view
·
I ask God what my
attitude and conduct look like from my other half's point of view
·
This provides better
information than looking at things from my point of view
If
he does not want to see you, never force yourself upon him.
·
I have my life
·
My other half has
his life
·
We have a joint
household
·
We have joint
activities
·
I get to offer
activities
·
He gets to choose
whether to participate
·
He gets to offer
activities
·
I get to choose
whether to participate
·
I have no right to
demand his participation in anything
·
I have no right to
intrude into his life
·
He extends the same
courtesies back to me
·
He is entirely
responsible for his own beliefs, thoughts, actions, and internal life
·
I am entirely
responsible for my own beliefs, thoughts, actions, and internal life
·
Neither of us forces
ourselves into the other's personal domain
Neither
should the family hysterically plead with him to do anything
·
The ideal:
o If I have a request of him, make it as set out above
o No pleading
o No hysteria
But
urge them not to be over-anxious, for that might spoil matters.
·
If my other half is
worried or upset, I do not enter into the worry or upset or I become useless
·
The ideal:
o Be compassionate
o Be a source of strength
o Be a source of poised, objective guidance if asked
If
the man be agnostic or atheist, make it emphatic that he does not have to agree
with your conception of God.
·
What my other half
believes or does not believe in terms of religion or spirituality is none of my
business
To
be vital, faith must be accompanied by self-sacrifice and unselfish,
constructive action.
·
Unselfish,
constructive action is the motto for home life
·
My job is to serve
the common goals
·
This requires
sacrificing other activities
·
As I respect my
other half and what he does in the world, this is a worthwhile sacrifice
·
If it were not, I
would be in a relationship with the wrong person
Make
it plain he is under no obligation to you ...
·
Giving asks for
nothing in return
·
If anything is asked
in return, it's not giving
·
I give to my other
half
·
He gives to me
·
We trust in each
other based on history
·
But history does not
establish burdens or obligations
·
The point of trust
is that it does not entail guarantees
Suggest
how important it is that he place the welfare of other people ahead of his own.
·
If in doubt,
consider the other person's welfare above my own
·
If we both do this,
we come out even
Make
it clear that he is not under pressure, that he needn’t see you again if he
doesn’t want to.
·
Zero demands of the
other person
·
Zero claim on their
time or attention
·
What, how, and when
they give is up to them
If
your talk has been sane, quiet and full of human understanding
·
This is a good
three-part motto for interactions
o Be sane
o Don't be crazy
o Be quiet
o Don't be loud
o Seek to understand
o Rather than be understood
You
will be most successful with alcoholics if you do not exhibit any passion for
crusade or reform.
·
Do not try to win
over the other person to a point of view
·
Do not try to reform
the other person's character or conduct
Though
his family be at fault in many respects, he should not be concerned about that.
·
As indicated above,
no criticism under any circumstances
·
That includes
internally
·
Internal criticism
always manifests externally
·
They always know
He
should concentrate on his own spiritual demonstration.
·
Ideal:
o Keep my focus on right behaviour
o Keep my focus off the other person's behaviour
o 'Let it begin with me'
Argument
and fault-finding are to be avoided like the plague.
·
If tempted to argue,
stay quiet, change the subject, or withdraw
·
Do not process
emotional disturbance concerning a person with that person
·
Deal with emotional
disturbance elsewhere
·
If a boundary is
necessary, work the programme with a sponsor and with God until I'm at peace
and cheerful
·
Then see if a
boundary is necessary
The
most incompatible people discover they have a basis upon which they can meet.
·
Do not measure the
relationship against common notions of what a relationship should look like
·
Let the common
ground be what it is: great or small
·
Focus on what does
work
Little
by little the family may see their own defects and admit them. These can then
be discussed in an atmosphere of helpfulness and friendliness.
·
Admit fault straight
away
·
Put it right straight
away
·
Useful questions:
o Is there anything you would like me to stop doing?
o Is there anything you would like me to start doing?
o Is there anything you would like me to do differently
...
provided, however, the alcoholic continues to demonstrate that he can be sober,
considerate, and helpful, regardless of what anyone says or does.
·
Sober means
physically sober
·
It also means
objective, calm, and cheerful
·
Considerate means
putting the other person first
·
Helpful means
doing things for the other person
·
It does not matter
whether the other person is giving back right now or at the moment
·
It does not matter
whether the other person is displaying character defects right now or at the
moment
·
Giving is not
conditional
Of
course, we all fall much below this standard many times. But we must try to
repair the damage immediately lest we pay the penalty by a spree.
·
Do not beat myself
up or panic about mistakes
·
Apologise straight
away
·
Do not explain
·
Do not justify
·
Take it on the chin
·
Be open to direction
from the other person about what to start doing, stop doing, or do differently
If
their old relationship is to be resumed it must be on a better basis, since the
former did not work. This means a new attitude and spirit all around.
·
This basis can be
summed up by:
o Rely on God
o Give to the other person
o Forgive the other person
o Forgiveness means
§ Withdrawing demands
§ Withdrawing judgement
§ Seeing things from their point of view
§ Adopting a kindly and tolerant view
Sometimes
it is to the best interests of all concerned that a couple remain apart.
·
If I am too
disturbed to be useful, cheerful, and kind ...
·
... say I'm going to
take some time for myself ...
·
... temporarily
remove myself ...
·
And deal with it
promptly elsewhere
Remind
the prospect that his recovery is not dependent upon people. It is dependent
upon his relationship with God.
·
The other person is
not the source
·
They're the channel
·
If they were the
channel yesterday, that does not mean they will be the channel today
·
If they are the
channel today, that does not mean that they will be the channel tomorrow
·
If they are not the
channel today, that does not mean that they will never be the channel again
·
Have patience
When
we look back, we realize that the things which came to us when we put ourselves
in God’s hands were better than anything we could have planned.
·
The benefits of a
long-term relationship are often intangible
·
They're often
demonstrated by fruitfulness in other areas
·
By placing myself in
God's hands, I was guided to someone with numerous admirable qualities
·
By asking God for
direction, I obtained entirely different results than when I made relationship
decisions based on ego gratification
·
The ego looks for:
o Specialness
o Flattery
o Excitement
o Possession
o A means of mending my wounding self-esteem
·
These will produce a
sick relationship
·
Someone said, 'I
don't know how to have a healthy sick relationship'
·
Sometimes, one side
of a sick relationship (e.g. with a relative, colleague, or a sponsee) can be
mended, and the whole relationship changes
·
I have never
succeeded in working on a sick romantic or intimate relationship from the
inside of the relationship
·
If others have,
you'll have to ask them!
·
In my case, I left,
changed, and found someone healthier instead
·
I found someone
healthy by becoming healthy
·
By becoming healthy,
I stopped being attractive to unhealthy people
·
It takes two to
tango
·
I did not fix the
tango
·
I learned how to
dance a different dance
Follow
the dictates of a Higher Power and you will presently live in a new and
wonderful world, no matter what your present circumstances!
·
A healthy
relationship is an impregnable fortress
·
The fortress is
invisible
·
But it provides
enormous strength
·
Whatever the present
circumstances
You
should warn against arousing resentment or jealousy.
·
Be faithful
·
Including in heart
and mind
Do
not think of what you will get out of the occasion. Think of what you can bring
to it.
·
When I'm focusing on
giving, I'm attracting direction and power from Above
·
When I'm focused on
getting, the flow from Above is blocked
But
if you are shaky, you had better work with another alcoholic instead!
·
Step Twelve work
solves almost all relationship disturbance
·
Almost all
relationship disturbance stems from spiritual misalignment
·
I then blame the
relationship or the other person for not giving me what I think I need or want
·
Instead:
·
When what I need and
want is God's direction and power
·
When the
relationship with God is sorted out
·
The relationship
with the other person falls into place
We
are careful never to show intolerance or hatred of drinking as an institution.
·
I have found it
helpful not to vent within the relationship even about things outside
·
A while ago, I
vented to my other half about something in my life, for maybe 15 seconds
·
He said: 'That needs
to stop.'
·
He was right
·
I try not to
introduce any poison into the common territory
...
but we shall be of little use if our attitude is one of bitterness or
hostility.
·
Neither bitterness
nor hostility are helpful
·
Bitterness rejects
present reality and wishes for something different
·
Hostility erects a
wall between me and the other person
·
Both bitterness and
hostility destroy the ability to be present
·
If I descend into
either, the job is to remove myself, deal with them, and return with a
different attitude.
Besides,
we have stopped fighting anybody or anything. We have to!
·
It has been
suggested to me to accept the other person exactly the way they are
·
That means not
criticising them
·
And not attempting
to change them in any way
·
This is the
definition of unconditional love
·
Not fighting largely
means this:
·
Letting life flow
around me without interfering with it
·
Getting on with what
is in front of me