'They are naturally incapable of grasping and developing a manner of living which demands rigorous honesty.' (Alcoholics Anonymous, page 58)
My understanding of the honesty required by the programme is the following:
- Being objective and clear-headed in my assessment of my situation and defects
- Revealing my situation and defects to selected confidants
- Sincerely accepting guidance from selected others on my defective beliefs, thinking, and behaviour
- Admitting harms to those I have wronged
- Being straight in my dealings with others: no plotting, scheming, manipulation, or deception
- Eliminating selfish or malign motivations
It does not mean 'relate everything I feel and think to everyone at all times'.
Honesty, as defined above, must be distinguished from candour.
Candour means 'revealing things'.
I reveal my beliefs, thinking, behaviour, feelings, etc. where it is necessary and appropriate.
Does it need to be said?
Does it need to be said by me?
Does it need to be said right now?
In particular, I have found it helpful to avoid:
- Voicing unnecessary criticism, even if true
- Giving unbidden or unwelcome advice
- Expressing views to no good purpose
- Telling other people how I feel in response to their actions
- Venting
- Arguing
- Repeating myself
- Speaking to fill space
- Communicating when experiencing strong emotions (except to process the emotions with a confidant)
In communications with others, I have found discretion and kindness to be virtues as valuable as candour.