'It is plain that a life which includes deep resentment leads only to futility and unhappiness. To the precise extent that we permit these, do we squander the hours that might have been worthwhile. But with the alcoholic, whose hope is the maintenance and growth of a spiritual experience, this business of resentment is infinitely grave. We found that it is fatal. For when harboring such feelings we shut ourselves off from the sunlight of the Spirit. The insanity of alcohol returns and we drink again. And with us, to drink is to die.' (Page 66, Alcoholics Anonymous)
At fifteen years sober, I still had some stonking resentments that I thought were justified. I had not absorbed and internalised the above. I had 'been through the Steps' a number of times. But here's the interesting thing: everything up to page 63 is groundwork for the programme of action. The action to change my life starts on page 63. And yet I had not taken on board information on page 66. At fifteen years I had not progressed more than two-and-a-half pages into the actual programme. I had not applied the practices at the top of page 67 to be rid of resentment; I had not seen through the fears by recognising, as page 68 points out, that they stemmed from self-reliance (as opposed to God-reliance).
Fifteen years sober but not even three pages into the programme! That's not perfection! That's not even progress! I had not been through the Steps at all. I had hacked at patches of the Steps. I had taken numerous actions of the later steps but missed out some of the basics. Rockets; cakes; AA programmes: if any key part is missing, the whole venture is doomed: rockets don't lift off; cakes don't rise; AA programmes remain grounded in materialism.
Today, I pull myself up short when I lapse back into believing in the validity of a resentment or a fear. If I'm resentful or frightened, I'm wrong. I regularly tour the foundations to make sure that the key ideas of the programme have not been eroded. When resentment and fear crop up, the only important questions are: Am I willing to recognise I've mistakenly asked my dumb–smart ego for its mistaken perception? Am I willing to turn to God to look at everything from an entirely different angle? No need to wait. Hop aboard the Higher Power Express today!