After drinking again, the biggest problem in my life seemed handling the immediate consequences of my drinking
I was told: Do not be distracted
The real problem was having a fatal, progressive, incurable condition (alcoholism) and not yet being in a structured programme of recovery
We are small
Alcoholism is bigger
Recovery is even bigger
I came into the recovery world in January 1993 before finally getting sober in July 1993
I carried on drinking periodically before I finally got sober
This was not relapsing: it was persisting with active alcoholism in full sight of recovery
There are people who can stay clean with a combination of willpower, common sense, encouragement, homespun wisdom, practical trouble-shooting, and other ordinary tools
I could not: those tools are necessary but not sufficient
Every few days or weeks I would drink
I was in recovery world but I was not in recovery: I was 'near it', and 'near it' does not cut it
Joining recovery required a total surrender of my beliefs, thinking, and behaviour to the programme and especially the guidance of a sponsor
I had to get a sponsor and start the Steps on day one in order to halt the drinking cycle
Completing the Steps sealed the deal
But to do that I needed to stop starting again
And to do that I needed to take my rat-and-lizard brain out of the picture by surrendering to the programme of structured daily action
This worked and has kept working for decades
A final note:
I wanted to die a lot when I was drinking and in early recovery
Checking out seemed attractive
But that would have been a permanent solution to a temporary problem
I was told: Do not be distracted
The real problem was having a fatal, progressive, incurable condition (alcoholism) and not yet being in a structured programme of recovery
We are small
Alcoholism is bigger
Recovery is even bigger
I came into the recovery world in January 1993 before finally getting sober in July 1993
I carried on drinking periodically before I finally got sober
This was not relapsing: it was persisting with active alcoholism in full sight of recovery
There are people who can stay clean with a combination of willpower, common sense, encouragement, homespun wisdom, practical trouble-shooting, and other ordinary tools
I could not: those tools are necessary but not sufficient
Every few days or weeks I would drink
I was in recovery world but I was not in recovery: I was 'near it', and 'near it' does not cut it
Joining recovery required a total surrender of my beliefs, thinking, and behaviour to the programme and especially the guidance of a sponsor
I had to get a sponsor and start the Steps on day one in order to halt the drinking cycle
Completing the Steps sealed the deal
But to do that I needed to stop starting again
And to do that I needed to take my rat-and-lizard brain out of the picture by surrendering to the programme of structured daily action
This worked and has kept working for decades
A final note:
I wanted to die a lot when I was drinking and in early recovery
Checking out seemed attractive
But that would have been a permanent solution to a temporary problem