Ghosting is defined by Wikipedia as follows:
"Ghosting is a colloquial term used to describe the practice of ceasing all communication and contact with a partner, friend, or similar individual without any apparent warning or justification and subsequently ignoring any attempts to reach out or communication made by said partner, friend, or individual."
I've met a huge number of people in my life. You probably have, too. Quite a few of those I had an ongoing relationship with for some time, whether they were aquaintances, colleagues, friends, or something more. How many of those people am I in regular contact with now? Very few. How many of those interactions were formally terminated? Almost none.
The fact is, ceasing all communication and contact is pretty much the standard way the ebb and flow of human interactions work. Sometimes it's very abrupt, and someone who you're close to just stops contacting you or returning calls, maybe via a perfunctory stage of winding down or downgrading the interaction. Sometimes the artifice that a relationship still exists is maintained through, 'We really must catch up soon,' or similar expressions.
Here's the deal, though: let's look at it from the point of view of the ghoster.
Sometimes, I realise I'm done. I have gone off the person; or I find them dull or vexatious; or they've crossed a line; or I'm simply pursuing other activities or interests. Am I obliged to remain in relationships in perpetuity? Absolutely not. So, it's OK to get out. There are some options for doing this:
(1) Stop contacting them actively; stop picking up the phone; stop responding.
(2) Give a brief explanation: 'I'm no longer available.' 'My life has taken me in a new direction.' 'I'm going to take some time to myself.' Etc.
(3) Give a full explanation.
Let's start from the back. (3) is rarely helpful. What am I going to do? Tell the other person they're not as interesting as I thought they were? That more agreeable people have shown up? That I now find other people activities more important? That I find their personality, character, or behaviour tedious, unacceptable, or vexatious? It's no good saying, 'It's not personal,' because it always is. Very occasionally, an explanation is warranted. But in most cases it would be cruel and unhelpful. It's other people's right to be who they are, and it's not my place to suggest or even imply that, if they changed, they'd pass muster and be allowed into the inner sanctum.
When, in the past, people have told me why they have dropped me, I have sometimes struggled to accept it, rejected their premises, rejected their conclusions, defended myself, justified myself, retaliated, and 'made a list myself'. This did no one any good. I've found that other people respond the same way. No one buys the explanation, so why give it?
I pretty much never opt for (3), and only real a-holes have opted for (3) with me. Most people have the grace, tact, and kindness not to, and that's the grace, tact, and kindness I try and extend with others. That way, even though there's clearly been a break, I can remain cordial.
(2) is suitable if there is reliance or regularity. If I end sponsorship relationships, I tell the person, but I tend not to go into details, even if they ask. Why? Because going into details never goes down well, and I'm extremely skeptical that it helps the other person, even if they ask for it. A simple: 'There seems to be some resistance to what I'm offering, so I'm going to suggest you find someone else to help you. I wish you well on your journey,' is sufficient. It's possible to signal the end of a relationship without being cruel. I inform but don't debate or argue.
Sometimes, people faced with (1) ask for (2). When an interaction has just stopped and people have asked for (2) (simple explanation), I've rarely found them to accept the simple explanation at face value, and they keep pressing for (3) (full explanation). But when people get (3), they tend not to like what they get.
When there's nagging to elicit reasons, it's usually under the presumption that, if the reasons are known, they can be countered or negotiated. If someone has made up their mind they're done with me, I've never successfully changed their mind. So I don't try. The same works the other way round. Occasionally, when I've set a boundary, I've allowed myself to be manipulated into 'giving things another go'. This has never worked.
(1) is how almost all interactions end. One person drops away; the other person, after a couple of attempts, gets the hint. This happens in both directions. It happens the whole time. It's the norm. It only becomes a problem when one of the people won't let go. I've been the person who does not let go: I've nagged people to tell me 'why'. And then we're in the territory of (2) or, even worse, (3). And I ended up wishing I hadn't asked.
When someone doesn't answer the phone to me, return my calls, return my texts, etc., I now recognise it's because they don't want to, and that's OK. They're allowed to have their reasons, and I do not need to know them. I already have all the information I need.
So, how do I respond when I've been actually ghosted? I've had a couple of examples over the last few years of people whose relationship with me has changed, despite my attempts to maintain the relationship at the previous level.
How do I handle it?
- I accept it
- No one is obliged to like me, interact with me, or hang out with me
- No one who does not want to interact with me or hang out with me owes me an explanation
- If my overtures are blocked repeatedly, I take the hint
- I take mixed messages as 'no'
- If it's always me who makes the move to get in touch: I give up and give up now
- I see if I'm at fault anywhere and make amends / correct my behaviour going forward
- I mentally wish them well and move on
Gaslighting is a form of psychological manipulation in which a person or a group covertly sows seeds of doubt in a targeted individual or group, making them question their own memory, perception, or judgment.
This is an easier one to deal with than ghosting.
The above definition describes a nasty and unambiguously unpleasant phenomenon.
However, just because my memory, perception, and judgement are being challenged does not mean I'm being gaslighted. Sometimes my memory, perception, and judgement are flawed and I need to be called out.
If I'm in doubt, I seek the input of an impartial third party.