A common call I receive is this:
"I have a resentment. I have done lots of written inventory and been praying all the prayers, but God still hasn't removed it. It keeps coming back!"
God will do for me what I can't do for myself but won't do for me what I can do for myself. I am far too indulgent of mind-wandering.
Between the writing (pages 63 to 65) and the prayers (page 67) there are some insights that need to be taken on board.
The resentment does not go unless I have followed this sequence:
- I am resentful because I am comparing my perception of the world to my wishes for the world and there is a gap. However:
- My perception is flawed:
- I have only some of the facts.
- I do not see things as they are.
- I cannot see the future consequences.
- My wishes are flawed:
- When I get my own way, I soon find that there is still something 'wrong'.
- If there is one thing 'wrong', I will be unhappy.
- I could get a million things to go my way, find one thing wrong, and therefore be unhappy.
- When I think I would be OK if something were different, if 'this' went my way, I am wrong.
- I am unhappy not because my wishes are not being complied with but because I have wishes.
Therefore, I am upset because I am comparing my flawed perception to my flawed wishes. When I am upset, I am wrong.
The truth is this: I am upset because I believe I am separate from God, and feel guilty because of it. However, that separation is flattering to the ego: Look at me, I'm a separate being! The hero of the dream! If I realise I'm unhappy because I believe I am separate, I might decide otherwise, forgo the tempting illusion of separation, and quietly slip back into the oneness of the God and the universe. That would be the end of the ego. The ego therefore has a vested interest in me not realising I have this choice. This is what then happens, under the guidance of the ego:
- I 'see' 'my' physical body and identify with it.
- This 'proves' I am separate.
- I cannot therefore be a mind that chose to be separate.
- I cannot therefore unwind the choice because there was no choice.
- I simply 'woke up' (actually fell asleep) in a physical body.
- I feel there is something wrong with me (because, in believing I am separate, I believe I have destroyed the unity of God: a veil is drawn, concealing the true cause, and all I am aware of is the 'wrongness').
- I feel this is my fault (because I am the one who generated the tiny, mad idea of separation).
- I therefore feel guilty.
- Guilt attracts punishment: cosmic retribution.
- I am afraid of cosmic retribution.
- There are three options:
- (1) Unwind the above by choosing _against_ the tiny, mad idea of separation.
- (2) Put up with the fear of cosmic retribution.
- (3) Project what is within to something or someone outside of me.
- The ego won't allow (1) as this signs its death warrant.
- I won't allow (2) because it's intolerable: it contains no basis for comfort or hope.
- I therefore project the 'wrongness' onto you:
- There is something wrong with you.
- You have done something wrong.
- This is why I feel bad.
- It is your fault.
- You must be punished.
- I will do this by thinking bad things about you.
- This is called 'resentment'.
- I can tolerate the suffering because the situation contains 'hope'.
- The hope consists in this: if this were different, I would be OK.
- The ego is thus satisfied: I am identified with my physical body, do not realise I am a mind, so cannot choose against this whole system, and the ego continues to thrive as my tiny, mad belief that I am separate, crowned as the emperor of the tiny, mad kingdom that has replaced the now destroyed kingdom of God.
- Although I still suffer, the suffering appears to be your fault, which removes the sense of personal guilt, and downgrades the cosmic fear of cosmic retribution to a localised fear of a localised attack.
- Whilst painful, this is the more tolerable of (2) and (3) above.
Getting rid of resentment is not about the apparent detail of the physical world situation. The only point of looking at the detail is to realise (a) how insane the set-up is and (b) to persuade me to reject the whole set up and withdraw my allegiance to the tiny, mad idea that I am separate from God.
Sink back below the surface of the bodily brain's thoughts, away from the flotsam and jetsam. Sink back down into the depths. Let the body relax and fall. Let the mind drop away from the bodily brain's thoughts. Sink down to where everything has always been and will always be calm. Finally, sink into the seabed and become one with what lies below. And disappear completely as a separate individual.