The ego speaks in my own voice, and that voice usually seems convincing. It can sometimes help to unpack the rules by which it operates, as this reveals its true nature. This is the principle of Step Four: let's look at the facts. Looking at the facts and sharing them takes me swiftly to Step Six: a willingness to believe, think, and act differently with God's help.
The ego's rulebook is a complex affair, extending as it does to every area of life. Here's how my ego operates when it comes to views and opinions. Maybe some of this will ring a bell.
The Ego's Rulebook: Views
1. My views are right.
2. This is because they are mine.
3. Your views are wrong.
4. If I change my views, that does not mean I was wrong before.
5. You must agree with me.
6. You must voice this.
7. You must exhibit this in your behaviour.
8. If you don't agree with me, I will point out you are wrong.
9. By doing this, I am helping, even if nothing changes for the better.
10. If I am right, I do not need to exhibit other virtues.
11. These include kindness, patience, tolerance, and pragmatism.
12. To prove you wrong, any means available are valid.
13. These include caricature, exaggeration, ridicule, and attack.
14. In cases of doubt, I construe your views as being at odds with mine.
15. A slip of the tongue is as bad as a substantive difference in views.
16. Your differing views are an attack on me.
17. That justifies my attack on you.
18. Being wrong calls down punishment.
19. I am the instrument of that punishment.
20. Punishment takes the form of humiliation, ostracism, and banishment.
21. You are never mistaken: you are only ever wrong.
22. To be wrong means to have something wrong with you.
23. Being wrong means being mad, stupid, malicious, or evil.
24. If you are ever wrong, everything you say or do is invalidated.
25. You are not allowed to be from a different culture or age.
26. Other cultures and ages construe the world differently, which is not OK.
27. You may not espouse or justify your views if they differ from mine.
28. You may not debate or discuss your views if they differ from mine.
29. For me to be OK, you need to agree, shut up, or go away.
30. If you refuse to do these, at least have the grace to look ashamed.
What's the solution?
According to the programme, I am here to do God's will. This does not mean that I do not get to assess situations, but discernment serves only to determine what the best course of action is. The best course of action is what is for the good of all. If I have to group together with others to do this (in an AA group, in another association, in a workplace, in a community, in society), I can form my views, express them, and discuss those respectfully and soberly. But not argue, repeat myself, hector, or harangue.
Tradition I: Unity must be maintained, even despite differences.
Tradition II: Discussions are best held under the aegis of God: we ask God to speak through us. We each take a turn speaking and listening.
Tradition V: Keep the practical purpose of the discussion in mind.
Tradition X: Keep extraneous material out of the discussion.
Tradition XI: Offer and explain but don't attempt to convince or persuade.
Tradition XII: Discuss the ideas but don't personalise them to individuals.
In truth, however, I find almost no situation where I need to hold a view, and I find almost no situation where the purpose of debate or discussion is in preparation for constructive action.
Before speaking, I can ask:
"Does it need to be said?"
"Does it need to be said by me?"
"Does it need to be said right now?"
Before speaking, I can ask:
"Is it true?"
"Is it necessary?"
"Is it kind?
Some helpful readings
Corinthians I, Chapter 13
1 Though I speak with the tongues of men and of angels, and have not charity, I am become as sounding brass, or a tinkling cymbal. 2 And though I have the gift of prophecy, and understand all mysteries, and all knowledge; and though I have all faith, so that I could remove mountains, and have not charity, I am nothing. 3 And though I bestow all my goods to feed the poor, and though I give my body to be burned, and have not charity, it profiteth me nothing.
4 Charity suffereth long, and is kind; charity envieth not; charity vaunteth not itself, is not puffed up, 5 Doth not behave itself unseemly, seeketh not her own, is not easily provoked, thinketh no evil; 6 Rejoiceth not in iniquity, but rejoiceth in the truth; 7 Beareth all things, believeth all things, hopeth all things, endureth all things.
8 Charity never faileth: but whether there be prophecies, they shall fail; whether there be tongues, they shall cease; whether there be knowledge, it shall vanish away. 9 For we know in part, and we prophesy in part. 10 But when that which is perfect is come, then that which is in part shall be done away. 11 When I was a child, I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child: but when I became a man, I put away childish things. 12 For now we see through a glass, darkly; but then face to face: now I know in part; but then shall I know even as also I am known. 13 And now abideth faith, hope, charity, these three; but the greatest of these is charity.
St Francis Prayer
Lord, make me a channel of thy peace; that where there is hatred, I may bring love; that where there is wrong, I may bring the spirit of forgiveness; that where there is discord, I may bring harmony; that where there is error, I may bring truth; that where there is doubt, I may bring faith; that where there is despair, I may bring hope; that where there are shadows, I may bring light; that where there is sadness, I may bring joy. Lord, grant that I may seek rather to comfort, than to be comforted; to understand, than to be understood; to love, than to be loved. For it is by self-forgetting that one finds. It is by forgiving that one is forgiven. It is by dying that one awakens to eternal life. Amen.
Philippians, Chapter 4
8 Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things. 9 Those things, which ye have both learned, and received, and heard, and seen in me, do: and the God of peace shall be with you.