I have a tendency to be combative (argumentative), critical, and contrary, both in AA and outside AA. One bad habit has been to go out of my way to condemn any approach to AA or the Big Book that is not my own, and to look for differences in practice and even phraseology to pounce on. I can even construe difference where there is none. I'm writing this post because I myself need a reminder that the Big Book suggests another approach, that of patience, tolerance, kindliness, and love (Page 83). I'm sharing this post because, if it helps me, it might help others.
Here are the principles I'm applying today:
"Never was I to be critical of them. (Page 13)
"Most of us sense that real tolerance of other people’s shortcomings and viewpoints and a respect for their opinions are attitudes which make us more useful to others." (Page 19)
"We asked God to help us show them the same tolerance, pity, and patience that we would cheerfully grant a sick friend." (Page 67)
"We have begun to learn tolerance, patience and good will toward all men" Page 70
"If our manner is calm, frank, and open, we will be gratified with the result." (Page 78)
"... being very careful not to criticize them." (Page 83)
"... asking each morning in meditation that our Creator show us the way of patience, tolerance, kindliness and love." (Page 83)
"... Love and tolerance of others is our code." (Page 84)
"... And we have ceased fighting anything or anyone" (Page 84)
"... So cooperate; never criticize. To be helpful is our only aim." (Page 89)
"... Don’t start out as an evangelist or reformer." (Page 89)
"... If you have been successful in solving your own domestic problems, tell the newcomer’s family how that was accomplished. In this way you can set them on the right track without becoming critical of them. The story of how you and your wife settled your difficulties is worth any amount of criticism." (Page 100)
"... A spirit of intolerance might repel alcoholics whose lives could have been saved, had it not been for such stupidity." (Page 103)
"... Be sure you are not critical during such a discussion. Attempt instead, to put yourself in his place. Let him see that you want to be helpful rather than critical." (Page 111)
"... Your husband will sometimes be unreasonable and you will want to criticize. Starting from a speck on the domestic horizon, great thunderclouds of dispute may gather. These family dissensions are very dangerous, especially to your husband. Often you must carry the burden of avoiding them or keeping them under control. Never forget that resentment is a deadly hazard to an alcoholic. We do not mean that you have to agree with your husband whenever there is an honest difference of opinion. Just be careful not to disagree in a resentful or critical spirit." (Page 117)
"Patience, tolerance, understanding and love are the watchwords. Show him these things in yourself and they will be reflected back to you from him. Live and let live is the rule. If you both show a willingness to remedy your own defects, there will be little need to criticize each other." (Page 118)
"All members of the family should meet upon the common ground of tolerance, understanding and love. This involves a process of deflation." (Page 122)
"... We find it better, when possible, to stick to our own stories. A man may criticize or laugh at himself and it will affect others favorably, but criticism or ridicule coming from another often produces the contrary effect." (Page 125)
"... we almost invariably temper such talk by a spirit of love and tolerance" (Page 125)
"... They criticize, pointing out how he is falling down on his spiritual program. This sort of thing can be avoided. Both father and the family are mistaken, though each side may have some justification. It is of little use to argue and only makes the impasse worse." (Page 127)
"... These family talks will be constructive if they can be carried on without heated argument, self-pity, self-justification or resentful criticism." (Page 127)
"... The very practical approach to his problems, the absence of intolerance of any kind" (Page 160)
"... Dishonest thinking, prejudice, ego, antagonism toward anyone and everyone who dares to cross him, vanity, and a critical attitude are character defects that gradually creep in and become a part of his life. Living with fear and tension inevitably results in wanting to ease that tension, which alcohol seems to do temporarily." (Page 355)
"... Shakespeare said, 'All the world’s a stage, and all the men and women merely players.' He forgot to mention that I was the chief critic. I was always able to see the flaw in every person, every situation. And I was always glad to point it out, because I knew you wanted perfection, just as I did. A.A. and acceptance have taught me that there is a bit of good in the worst of us and a bit of bad in the best of us; that we are all children of God and we each have a right to be here. When I complain about me or about you, I am complaining about God’s handiwork. I am saying that I know better than God." (Page 417)
"The lessons of tolerance and acceptance have taught me to look beyond exterior appearances to find the help and wisdom so often lurking beneath the surface." (Page 542)
"Something within me shifted and welcomed a new source of strength, understanding, tolerance, and love." (Page 543)