In my healthy relationships, I'm responsible for me (my beliefs, attitudes, thoughts, feelings, actions, and inner life) and you're responsible for you (ditto). We interact, engage with other, spend time together, and spend time apart. There is nothing in the way.
In my unhealthy relationships, I'm not responsible for me but I am responsible for you (fill in the blanks, as above), and you're not responsible for you but you are responsible for me (ditto) ... and wham! Suddenly there's a third entity in the room. The Relationship. Picture a malevolent goblin. Or The Relationship as a game of chess we play with each other to avoid actually being close to each other.
We then proceed to talk about The Relationship, with various combinations of self-justification, lack of self-care, control, bulldozing, string-pulling, button-pushing, martyrdom, saving, inappropriate responsibility-taking ('if you feel something, it must be my fault'), nursing, Annie Wilkes-ing (remember Misery? ... hammering your ankles so you can't walk and have to stay with me), exonerating, doormat-ing, blame-throwing, and playing Damsel In Distress/Penelope Pitstop. Ugh. What a mess!
Powerlessness: I'm powerless over you. I'm also powerless over me.
Unmanageability: being driven by negative emotions, full of plotting and scheming to rearrange you to change my negative emotions. Result: external and internal chaos.
Insanity: keeping at something that does not work.
If I access God, I gain power. Then I can exercise power in my life, and my interaction with you changes automatically. Power enables detachment (as I'm relying on God, not you), and with detachment comes peace.
In my unhealthy relationships, I'm not responsible for me but I am responsible for you (fill in the blanks, as above), and you're not responsible for you but you are responsible for me (ditto) ... and wham! Suddenly there's a third entity in the room. The Relationship. Picture a malevolent goblin. Or The Relationship as a game of chess we play with each other to avoid actually being close to each other.
We then proceed to talk about The Relationship, with various combinations of self-justification, lack of self-care, control, bulldozing, string-pulling, button-pushing, martyrdom, saving, inappropriate responsibility-taking ('if you feel something, it must be my fault'), nursing, Annie Wilkes-ing (remember Misery? ... hammering your ankles so you can't walk and have to stay with me), exonerating, doormat-ing, blame-throwing, and playing Damsel In Distress/Penelope Pitstop. Ugh. What a mess!
Powerlessness: I'm powerless over you. I'm also powerless over me.
Unmanageability: being driven by negative emotions, full of plotting and scheming to rearrange you to change my negative emotions. Result: external and internal chaos.
Insanity: keeping at something that does not work.
If I access God, I gain power. Then I can exercise power in my life, and my interaction with you changes automatically. Power enables detachment (as I'm relying on God, not you), and with detachment comes peace.