Step Eight
The basic questions to ask in Step Eight are these:
(1) What action did I take?
(2) What should I have done instead?
(3) Who suffered as a result, and how?
When looking at the right (Q2) and wrongs (Q1), it soon becomes evident that matters are not as straightforward as they first seem. There appears to be no action that is unequivocally good or bad. Cutting someone with a knife is fine if you're a surgeon and you're performing surgery. Putting the phone down is fine if the other person is shouting. Interrupting is fine if the other person is bulldozing. Hitting someone is fine if it's in self-defence. Just because someone reacts badly does not mean harm has taken place or even that a mistake has been made. Sometimes people respond badly to perfectly legitimate action. As the person with the tools, I may have to be the one to set the situation right, however, if the matter has not been forgotten, a grudge is being held, and/or the relationship has broken down.
To arrive at reasoned answers to the above questions, these further questions may help.
Re Q1:
Have I factually described what I did, or have I given it a moral slant in the way I have described it?
Is the action I took always bad?
Are there circumstances where the action I took is legitimate?
What are those circumstances?
What rule or principle have I broken?
Is that rule or principle universal or particular to particular contexts?
What is the scope of those contexts?
What is my evidence or experience that this rule or principle firstly is observed and secondly is morally or otherwise conventionally valid?
Is there some characteristic of the other person that makes this action harmful, where, with someone else, the same action would be fine?
Is the description I have given sufficient to convey to a third party exactly what happened?
If someone read my Step Eight, would they have sufficient detail to assess the situation?
If the potential harm was something I said, was it the content or the tone?
If a conversation 'went wrong', precisely which contributions of mine were inappropriate?
Was the conduct actually morally wrong or in breach of some social convention, or was it simply tactically unwise given the context plus the individual concerned?
Was the action predictably wrong, or do I think it was wrong just because of the outcome or reaction?
Did bad timing contribute to or even cause the problem?
In short, why do I think this action was wrong?
Re Q2:
What rule or principle underpins my view of what the right thing to do would have been?
Is that rule or principle universal or particular to particular contexts?
What is the scope of those contexts?
What is my evidence or experience that this rule or principle firstly is observed and secondly is morally or otherwise conventionally valid?
Have I considered all possible alternative courses of action?
Have I thought each of them through, mentally playing out the scenario in the light of my knowledge of the person?
In short, why do I think this action would have been right?
Re Q3:
Was there a genuine loss (e.g. financial or material, a change in circumstances, a change in the course of someone's life)?
Is the harm solely emotional suffering of some description (including anger)?
To what extent did that loss or suffering arise because of the other person's contribution to the situation?
In other words, did I cause a storm on a perfectly still day, or did I open the lid on an already seething cauldron?
Would anyone else have suffered or been harmed the same way, or was this person particularly sensitive, unprocessed, immature, vulnerable, or otherwise susceptible?
Was the relationship with the person damaged?
These questions are for consideration and meditation.
Once they have been considered and meditated on, review the three Step Eight questions and present a finalised Step Eight in this format, with sufficient reasoning for a third party (a sponsor or other reviewer) to be able to help you come to a final view.
Introduction: General context of the relationship and the situation
(1) What action did I take? [Answer]
(2) What should I have done instead? [Answer]
(3) Who suffered as a result, and how? [Answer]