Al-Anon and boundaries

The pre-Al-Anon recovery state in me:

I take responsibility for things I am not responsible for.

Manifests as: control, interference, bulldozing, worry, plotting, scheming, fretting, belief I have caused everything that goes on around me, including how other people think, behave, and feel.

I feel: frightened, high on the perceived power, angry, frustrated, disappointed with others, critical.

I do not take responsibility for things I am responsible for.

Manifests as: neglect of my own life because I'm too busy with the above.

I feel: claustrophic, guilty and ashamed, embarrassed, empty, despairing that anything will ever get sorted out, frightened that there will never be any time for me.

I deny your responsibility for things you are responsible for.

Manifests as: caretaking, worry, plotting, scheming, fretting.

I feel: loved, needed, wanted, but frustrated when things do not work out and increasingly angry at the person I caretake, plus raging when I stop caretaking but am faced with careseekers and/or their reactions to my new boundaries.

I give you responsibility for things you are not responsible for.

Manifests as: careseeking, blame, and manipulation.

I feel: looked after, vindicated, relieved of guilt, but angry when you don't behave how I want.

The solution I've found through Al-Anon friends, tapes, and literature:

I am 100% responsible for my beliefs, thoughts, actions, and feelings. You are 100% responsible for yours. In joint situations I have a part to play, but ask God for that part. Outcomes are none of my business. My chief responsibility is to look after my own recovery and wellbeing then devote spare energies to serving God in ways which don't (a) go beyond the scope of my duties or (b) deny your responsibility for your own life. I set boundaries kindly and stick to them. I do not blame anyone for how I am feeling. I recognise that the destination is printed clearly on the ticket whenever I have become entangled, and I have invariably made a decision based on self that has later placed me in a position to be hurt. Ultimately, I rely on God not others, but God works through others.

On a good day I can achieve this. On a bad day I can learn how best to walk towards this ideal tomorrow.