Wednesday, 24 January 2018

Four types of Al-Anon insanity: solutions incorporated!

I have been each of these at various times:

The bulldozer (the lie: I am not responsible at all for others' lives and feelings)

The bulldozer is focused on his life and denies his effect on others. He builds what he wants and ignores the fact that others are hurt or inconvenienced.

The controller (the lie: I'm in charge of your life and feelings)

The controller tries to control the lives of those around him (whilst his needs attention). He believes others' feelings are entirely down to his action, so he needs to change, fix, and control them.

There are three sub-types:
1. The puppet-master just wants to pull others' strings.
2. The prime mover believes himself to be the cause of all that occurs in others' lives, especially what they feel.
3. The redeemer believes himself to have or be the solution to others' problems.

The victim (the lie: others are totally responsible for my life and feelings)

The victim blames others for how he feels (usually in an exaggerated or even delusional way).

The doormat (the lie: you're totally in charge of my life, and I don't have any feelings)

The doormat lets others control his life when he should be setting boundaries and asserting independence of thought, action, emotion, and internal world. The doormat feels awful but does not realise he is being affected by the unreasonable behaviour of others.

The solutions I apply:

The bulldozer

I try to see things from others' point of view. I aim for kindness, consideration, tact, and discretion, although directness is sometimes called for.

The controller

The puppet-master: 'Mind my own business.' I am responsible for my actions but not for others' reactions.
The prime mover: It's not all about me.
The redeemer: They have their own Higher Power, and it's not me.

The victim

'My beliefs, attitudes, thoughts, actions, feelings, and internal life are my responsibility; yours are yours.'

The doormat

I seek to do God's will. If that does not align with your will, I will inform you politely and then proceed with God's will. If you act unreasonably, I may make a request, set a boundary, enforce a boundary, or withdraw.

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