Since I
first attended AA, I have operated in one of two modes: being a member of AA
and visiting AA. Today, I prefer the results of the former mode and so operate therein.
Visiting AA
I am the
centre of my life. This makes sense because wherever my physical eyes look, the
world appears to be around me, with me at the centre, which is where I reside.
In my life, I have a number of objectives. These fall into the approximate
categories of looking after myself, securing my future, managing my finances,
having a job or career, establishing and maintaining relationships, getting
kicks, achieving position and some power in the world, making progress
generally so that my life has direction and purpose, getting enough and the
right kind of sex, looking smart and attractive, etc. The list seems to expand
infinitely. The various domains are in constant competition for my attention,
energy, and resources.
Within the
context of this, I have a drinking problem. I drink far too much and can’t kick
the habit on my own. So I go to AA a couple of times a week. Sometimes I share.
Sometimes I don’t. I help a couple of people. I do odd bits of service here and
there. I learn spiritual tips from people, which are great at keeping my life
in balance, since the steps helped me to reconcile myself to my past and
rebuild my relationships when I first got sober.
Summary:
AA is great,
but it needs to be balanced with other things, because I don’t want to exchange
one addiction for another, and it absolutely serves its purpose: helping me to
live more happily and effectively. Sure, there are lots of emotional quirks and
low spots, but I’ll always be an alcoholic and I’ll always be human, so that’s
to be expected. I’d love to do more, but I have a very full life, thanks to AA.
Being a member of AA
Being an
alcoholic, there is a fundamental flaw in my mind: there is a pocket, still
intact, where a drink seems like a good idea, despite the experience to the
contrary. To never drink again I need an ongoing and permanently expanding spiritual
experience. In principle this could be achieved outside AA, but a spiritual
experience involves practical implementation of spiritual ideas in my relations
with others, and the demand for my contribution and site of maximum
effectiveness lie inside AA. I decide to join and make my relationship with
God, expressed through AA, the centre of my life.
I treat AA
as my spiritual home, and my home groups as the locus of that spiritual home.
My weekly
schedule starts with the insertion into my calendar of my AA home group
meetings and my other service commitments. These are also scheduled
indefinitely into the future, to minimise the risk of other opportunities
interfering. I attend diligently, and my schedule works around these fixed
points.
I make
strong relationships with many people at my home groups, and have daily contact
with several people in which we share experience of clearing the manifestations
of self in order to serve God and then our experience of serving God.
I do service
at my home groups, and in a number of posts within the AA service structure, at
different levels.
I sponsor,
which involves a lot of daily contact with a number of people.
This is all
pivoted around the axis: a relationship with God in which I ask: What would You
have me do today?
I do not
treat my life, my resources, my energies, my money, my body, my possessions, or
my purpose as my own. This sounds radical, but it’s in the wording itself of
Step Three, the decision to turn my will and my life over to God, not in the
small print.
I also have
other relationships with friends and family, what the world would call ‘a
career’, what the world would call ‘my possessions’, ‘my money’, etc. In fact,
these areas are all proceeding swimmingly. They are not more important or less
important than the AA activities. There is no ranking, hierarchy, or order of
priority, so there is no ‘balancing’ necessary.
There is
only one question: What would God have me do today? I then implement the
answer, and what flowers from that is a life that is both useful and enjoyable,
both in and out of AA.