How to deal with a difficult resentment #1: accidents of birth
‘I’m resentful at the religion, country, family, social
group I was born into.’ The object of the blame might be God, fate, parents, or
luck, or there may be no object at all. The problem is that I am in pain now
and blame these past or ongoing circumstances.
Where is my thinking wrong?
The reason I resented the setting I was born into was
because I was in pain, and I believed that if my circumstances were different I
would not be in pain. Actually, my pain was coming not from anything outside of
me but from my false interpretation of my circumstances and the events around
me. Since I was interpreting circumstances and events incorrectly, whatever
religion, country, family, or social group I was in, I would have been unhappy.
If I am unhappy now it is because of my current thinking not because of past
events or circumstances.
There were likely many aspects of the religion, country,
family, or social group which were good or neutral, yet I am focusing just on
the negative aspects.
What should my thinking be instead?
The steps can give me a positive or neutral interpretation
of any event around me. If I am unhappy at a circumstance or event, it is
because I falsely believe it can harm me. I am a perfect child of God, born of
spirit, and consisting only in spirit. I am not a body and I am not identified
with my body or my material circumstances. In fact the suffering can come only
from my own attack on that circumstance or event or my belief that it can
attack me. If no particular circumstance or event can harm me, the larger
setting—religion, country, family, and social group—no longer present a threat,
either, and the cause of me being in that setting—God, fate, parents, luck—is
no longer presenting a threat either. In addition, I can focus on the positive
aspects or features of my religion, country, family, and social group and be
grateful for those.
Affirmations
All external events are neutral. They have all the meaning I
give them. The real world is not the material world but the world of spirit
underlying the material world. I am perfect, whole spirit, born of the universe
and connected with the perfect, whole spirit that extends through the universe
until the end of and beyond space and time. I am perfectly safe and have always
been perfectly safe. There is nothing wrong with me, even when I have unreal
thoughts.
Step Ten practice
Watch for thoughts that blame anything external to me
directly or indirectly for how I feel and switch immediately to repeating the
above affirmation to block the negative thought and teach myself a new lesson.
How to deal with a difficult resentment #2: past pain and helplessness
‘My childhood was painful and I did not have the tools to
deal with it.’ The object of the blame might be anything. The problem is that I
see it as unfair that I should have had to suffer and that I was not given effective
spiritual tools. This also covers the question of being an alcoholic and
addict.
Where is my thinking wrong?
My own childhood was particularly painful, and apparently
and demonstrably harder than that of many of the people I was surrounded by. In
fact, my difficulties were very public and I spent a large proportion of my
childhood overtly distraught. Whilst this appears unfair because some others
suffered less, the false assumptions are firstly that everyone should have the same
amount of suffering and secondly that that suffering is ordained or commanded
by God or some other force on purpose. Existence on a material plane plus the
exercise free will mean that suffering is inevitable. In truth, there were many
good things about my childhood, and many things that could have been far worse.
As a child I developed the habit of viewing all circumstances negatively and
meditating or ruminating on them, and it is this that caused my suffering to
grow beyond its normal bounds.
What should my thinking be instead?
I have now been given a choice to view any circumstance or
event neutrally (see ‘How to deal with a difficult resentment #1), and I can
retrospectively view any circumstance or event from my past neutrally. I
acknowledge that I suffered greatly as a child but I recognise that my
childhood is over. I need not feel sorry for myself that I was not given the
spiritual tools then, because I have the spiritual tools now, and I am grateful
for that, as many people go to the ends of their lives without being given the
spiritual tools that enable them to reinterpret their lives and their pasts and
on that basis to remould them. Instead of feeling sorry for myself I can ask
God for the opportunity to teach as many people as possible the spiritual tools
so that they in turn can teach still others and alleviate the suffering of as
many people as possible. Furthermore, the more I have suffered, the more fuel
there is for helping others. Each piece of suffering can be converted into an asset
that can be used to help people who themselves are still suffering. I can
therefore be grateful for everything that has ever happened to me. Even though
I am and will always be an alcoholic and addict—which is one of the causes of
the suffering in my life—those facts can be turned into shining lights to help
countless people.
Affirmations
The universe loves me as a perfect creation of the universe,
and I have now woken up from the bad dreams, which are over for ever. I am
surrounded by spiritual beings I can connect with every moment of the day by
being open to the idea of connection to all living beings in the universe. I am
in fact already connected to all living beings in the universe, and all I need
to do is to wake up to this established fact. I am being given everything I
need to be OK, right now, by God, and eternity is this perfect moment. God is
inspiring me to teach these spiritual tools to everyone I meet by using them
myself, and I am thus saving the world, together with all other awakened beings
who are doing the same.
Step Ten practice
Watch for thoughts of dwelling on the past, on unfairness,
or the apparent spiritual emptiness of the world, past or present, and switch
immediately to repeating the above affirmation to block the negative thought
and teach myself a new lesson.
How to deal with a difficult resentment #3: angry God
‘God is
angry, not loving.’
Where is my thinking wrong?
God is not angry. I was told God is angry by people who were
angry and therefore thought that God was angry, because they were projecting the
attributes of their ego onto God. I do not have the power to make God angry, as
that would give me a lot of power over God’s mood, which I do not have.
What should my thinking be instead?
God is love, and I was created by love, so I am love. The
only thing wrong with me is false perceptions that have no reality at all. These
are not sin but error and illusion, and once they are dispelled they are gone
forever. When I have illusions or am mistaken I am still a perfect child of God
and I am not loved any less.
Affirmations
Love created me like itself. Holiness created me holy.
Kindness created me kind. Helpfulness created me helpful. Perfection created me
perfect. My resentments hide the light of the world in me. I cannot see what I
have hidden. Yet I want to let it be revealed to me, for my salvation and the
salvation of the world. Love created me like itself. Holiness created me holy.
Kindness created me kind. Helpfulness created me helpful. Perfection created me
perfect.
Step Ten practice
Watch for negative thoughts about God and switch immediately
to repeating the above affirmation to block the negative thought and teach
myself a new lesson.
How to deal with a difficult resentment #4: current circumstances
‘I hate my situation in life. I hate my job, my family, my
financial situation, my social situation.’
Where is my thinking wrong?
First of all, see above.
Secondly, it is my experience of these things I hate, and
that experience can be changed.
What should my thinking be instead?
I can accept everything I cannot change by withdrawing my
judgement from it (see above). But many things can be changed. If I want to
change something and do not know how, I can find someone who has achieved what
I want, ask them how they did it, and follow their instructions. For instance,
people who are successful and happy in their careers generally give good advice
on how to achieve this. The same principle applies in all areas of life. I can
ask God for the courage to change, which means exercising my will to take the
necessary actions regardless of how I feel.
Affirmations
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot
change by withdrawing my judgement from them and seeing them as neutral. God,
grant me the courage to change the things I can by taking positive actions to
contribute actively to all areas of my life, every moment of every day. God,
show me who I can talk to in order to obtain ideas about how to take positive
actions to contribute actively to my life. God, grant me the serenity to accept
the discomfort that arises when I take the rights actions to change my life.
God, let me serve you not me; God, let me serve others not me: Thy Will Be
Done.
Step Ten practice
Watch for negative thoughts about my present circumstances
and switch immediately to repeating the above affirmation to block the negative
thought and teach myself a new lesson.
Exercises
Serenity prayer exercise
Take a sheet of paper.
On one side write a list of all of the things to accept
because they cannot be changed. Read through these items one by one, saying
after each one, ‘This is a neutral person/situation/place/event/circumstance,
neither good nor bad, and is perfect the way it is.’
On the other side write a list of all of the things to be
changed and the practical actions I need to take to change them, with dates and
times for when I am going to take these actions.
Gratitude list
If the resentment is against my childhood or parents, for
instance, write a gratitude list of all of the aspects or features of my
childhood or my parents which were positive, helpful, or otherwise good. Do
this for any situation where there is resentment.
Readings
1. Is it good or bad?
Anthony de Mello tells about an old Chinese farmer. He had
but one horse as his possession. He used this animal almost exclusively in all
of his work. For example, when it was time to plough, he hooked the animal up
to the plough, and it broke the ground for planting. When it was time to take
the harvest to the market, he would hitch the horse to a wagon. When he wanted
to travel any great distance, he would put a saddle on it and ride the horse.
The horse played an important role in his life.
One day a bee stung the horse and, in fright, he ran up into
the mountains. The old farmer tried to follow him but he couldn't keep up. He
came home that night to tell the whole village that he had lost his beloved
animal. His neighbours began to come in and say, ‘I'm sure sorry to hear about
your bad luck, about your losing your horse.’
The old farmer shrugged and said, ‘Bad luck, good luck, who
is to say?’
Two days later, the horse came back from the mountains and
with him were six wild horses that he had met on the steppes. The old farmer
was able to corral all seven of these creatures, which was quite an economic
bonanza.
The word got around the village. The villagers came at night
and said to him, ‘So glad to hear about your good luck, about all the animals
that you now have.’
Again, the old farmer shrugged and said, ‘Good luck, bad
luck, who is to say?’
His son realised what an opportunity this was to make some
money. If he could tame these wild animals, then he could sell them to be farm
animals. He began to try to break in these wild horses. One of them bucked him
off one day, and he broke his leg very painfully in three places. Word got
around the village and the neighbours came that night and said to the old
farmer, ‘So sorry to hear about your bad luck, about your boy getting hurt.’
Again, he shrugged, ‘Good luck, bad luck, who is to say?’
Not long after that, a war broke out among the city-states
in the province of China. The government came through and conscripted every
able-bodied man under the age of sixty to go and fight. Because the son had
been injured, he was not required to go, and that turned out to be something
very good because every villager who was drafted into service wound up being
killed in the war. Once again, ‘Good luck, bad luck, who is to say?’
2. 365Tao, 151, Actual
When one listens to a barking dog, one might imagine
emotion, pain, reaction, anxiety, and self-identification, but actually there
is nothing there—just sound from a long and deep corridor, channelled out of
nothingness and fading into nothingness again.
Like that dog, we may all strive, but there is truly nothing
to be done. If we look deeply into our lives, there is only a thin veneer of
self-generated meaning over an immense ocean of nothingness.
What we do has meaning only in the here and now. It will not
remain in the next instant. Just do what you can for the present, and leave
everything else to happen naturally. Work. Wash. Meditate. Eat. Study. Urinate.
Sleep. Exercise. Talk. Listen. Touch. Die each night. Be born again each
morning.
3. A case of mistaken identity
‘Reb Yitzchak of Vorki had a friend who was a rabbi of
repute, but a great antagonist of Reb Yitzchak's rebbe [spiritual leader], Reb
Simchah Bunem of Pshischah. The friend always had hard words to say about Reb
Simchah, even in the presence of Reb Yitzchak, who never answered a word.
This attitude astonished Reb Yitzchak's followers, who asked
him how he found it possible to hear such harsh language about his rebbe, and
yet to hold his peace.
‘I will tell you about an incident that happened to me,’
replied Reb Yitzchak, ‘and then you will understand. I was once travelling in a
certain city when a stranger approached me, looked at me for a moment, and
exclaimed: 'That's him!' A second man did the same thing soon after, and then a
third, and I had not the slightest notion what it was all about. Then I was
approached by a deserted woman in need of a bill of divorce, an agunah, who was
accompanied by a noisy little group of men, including the three who had
approached me earlier. All in a chorus they showered me with curses and abuses,
the gist of which was: 'You are the man who all these years has left this poor
woman as an agunah!' They were so convinced that they knew who I was, that no
amount of explanation on my part could convince them that I was not the
irresponsible gentleman they were seeking. In the end I had to go along with
them to the local rabbinical court, which accepted my evidence of identity.
‘Now while they were busy abusing me I was not in the
slightest angry at them, because I knew that it was not at me that they were
directing their complaints and their curses. They thought I was her husband,
and had they known me better they would not have abused me. In a word, whatever
they did, they did to someone else.
‘So, too, with this rabbi. When he says unpleasant things
about my rebbe, Reb Simchah Bunem, I don't get excited, because I know that he
talks this way only because he doesn't know my rebbe. If he knew him, he
wouldn't say a thing. In a word, he talks about someone else, not about my
rebbe.’
4. Is it there? A story by Daniil Kharms
Semyon Semyonovich puts on his glasses, looks up at a pine
tree, and sees a bloke sitting there, shaking his fist at him. Semyon
Semyonovich takes off his glasses, looks up at the pine tree, and sees no one
sitting there. Semyon Semyonovich puts on his glasses, looks up at the pine
tree, and once more sees a bloke sitting there, shaking his fist at him. Semyon
Semyonovich takes off his glasses, and once more sees no one sitting up there
in the pine tree. Semyon Semyonovich once more puts on his glasses, looks up at
the pine tree, and once more sees a bloke sitting there, shaking his fist at
him. Semyon Semyonovich is disinclined to believe in this phenomenon and
considers it an optical illusion.
5. Who is God? Old Turtle, by
Douglas Wood
Once, long, long ago …yet somehow, not so very long …
When all the animals and rocks and winds and waters and
trees
And birds and fish and all the beings of the world could
speak …and understand one another …
There began …AN ARGUMENT.
It began softly at first …
Quiet as the first breeze that whispered, ‘He is a wind who
is never still.’
Quiet as the stone that answered, ‘He is a great rock that
never moves.’
Gentle as the mountain that rumbled, ‘God is a snowy peak,
high above the clouds.’
And the fish in the ocean that answered, ‘God is a swimmer,
in the dark, blue depths of the sea.’
‘No,’ said the star, ‘God is a twinkling and a shining, far,
far away.’
‘No,’ replied the ant, ‘God is a sound and a smell and a
feeling, who is very, very close.’
‘God,’ said the antelope, ‘is a runner, swift and free, who
loves to leap and race with the wind.’
‘She is a great tree,’ murmured the willow, ‘a part of the
world, always growing and always giving.’
‘You are wrong,’ argued the island, ‘God is separate and
apart.’
‘God is like the shining sun, far above all things,’ said
the blue sky.
‘No, He is a river, who flows through the very heart of
things,’ thundered the waterfall.
‘She is a hunter,’ roared the lion.
‘God is gentle,’ chirped the robin.
‘He is powerful,’ growled the bear.
And the argument grew LOUDER and LOUDER and LOUDER …
Until …
STOP!
A new voice spoke.
It rumbled loudly, like thunder. And it whispered softly,
like butterfly sneezes. The voice seemed to come from … Why it seemed to come
from …Old Turtle!
Now, Old Turtle hardly ever said anything, and certainly
never argued about things like God.
But now Old Turtle began to speak. ‘God is indeed deep,’ she
said to the fish in the sea; ‘and much higher than high,’ She told the
mountains.
‘He is swift and free as the wind, and still and solid as a
great rock,’ She said to the breezes and stones. She is the life of the world,’
Turtle said to the willow. ‘Always close by, yet beyond the farthest twinkling
light,’ She told the ant and the star.
‘God is gentle and powerful. Above all things and within all
things. ‘God is all the we dream of,
And all that we seek,’ said Old Turtle, ‘all that we come
from and all that we can find.’
‘God IS.’
Old Turtle had never said so much before. All the beings of
the world were surprised, and became very quiet. But Old Turtle had one more
thing to say.
‘There will soon be a new family of beings in the world,’
she said, ‘and they will be strange and wonderful. They will be reminders of
all that God is. They will come in many colours and shapes
with different faces and different ways of speaking. Their
thoughts will soar to the stars,
but their feet will walk the earth. They will possess many
powers. They will be strong, yet tender, a message of love from God to the
earth, and a prayer from the earth back to God.’
And the people came.
But the people forgot. They forgot that they were a message
of love, and a prayer from the earth. And they began to argue … About who knew
God—and who did not; and where God was, and was not; and whether God was, or
was not. And often the people misused their powers, and hurt one another. Or
killed one another. And they hurt the earth.
Until finally even the forests began to die … and the rivers
and the oceans and the planets and the animals and the earth itself …Because
the people could not remember who they were, or where God was.
Until one day there came a voice, like the growling of thunder;
But as soft as a butterfly sneezes,
Please, STOP.
The voice seemed to come from the mountain who rumbled, ‘Sometimes
I see God swimming, in the dark blue depths of the sea.’
And from the ocean who sighed, ‘He is often among the
snow-capped peaks, reflecting the sun.’
From the stone who said, ‘I sometimes feel her breath, as
she blows by.’
And from the breeze who whispered, ‘I feel his still
presence as I dance among the rocks.’
And the star said, ‘God is very close.’
And the island said, ‘His love touches everything.’
And after a long, lonesome, and scary time …
...the people listened, and began to hear …
And to see God in one another … and in the beauty of all the
Earth.
And Old Turtle smiled.
And so did God.