The cognitive stage:
Did the thing you are bothered by actually happen as you
thought it did? Sometimes you are basing resentment on speculation,
interpretation, extrapolation, or generalisation. Find someone cool-headed,
bright, and analytical to take you down from the heady mountaintop of judgement
to the flat plains of reason.
All resentments come from demands that have not been met.
What is the demand? Why do you want the demand met?
Is the demand ego-based, i.e. a desire for some material or
superficial and ultimately vain and unsatisfying commodity of the world? If so:
recognise that you are angry because you have been deprived of something that
is essentially of negligible worth.
If the demand is ordinary, e.g. for friendship,
companionship, an occupation, etc., ask if you already have enough to be
getting by with. Sometimes we have plenty of friends but get inordinately upset
because one person goes off us. This is more about pride than need.
If we are genuinely being deprived of something, the job is
to go to God and ask for God to find a way for the need to be fulfilled. Add
this prayer: 'if there is anything I need to do, to bring Your plan to
fruition, let me know.' Then let it go.
Regarding the behaviour of others: sometimes the behaviour
is reasonable but is simply getting in your way. The solution here is to
recognise that you are only one of many people on the planet and you are not
entitled to have your way the whole time. This is entitlement.
Sometimes the behaviour of others is plain wrong: selfish,
inconsiderate, thoughtless, wilfully destructive, negligent, reckless, etc.
Even in those cases, all we have identified is that the individuals in
question—like ourselves—have character defects. We have not identified an error
on the part of creation, merely something that is getting in our way. The way
to deal with reasonable or unreasonable behaviour on the part of others,
therefore, is identical: we are not entitled to have the world refrain from interfering with our plans and
designs, the world being an infinitely complex mechanism
of interactions. We are not the centre of the world, and the rest of the world
has no obligation to anticipate and work around our demands.
A further thought on the character defects of others: there
is no reason on earth why others should be more virtuous than we are. I am not
entitled to demand that others have character defects removed, even if a
particular defect has been resolved in me; there are surely defects I still
have that have been stripped from others, and it would be no more fair for
others to demand that I be further along the path of spiritual development.
To sum up on others' defects: we accept them and their defects as they are. We
do not perhaps care for the night as much as for the day; it gets in the way of
our plans because we cannot see our way. We do not perhaps care for others'
defects as much as for their virtues, but the principle is the same: they
merely get in our way. They are no less natural and part of the truth of the
world as night is part of the twenty-four hour cycle. The problem is not their
existence; the problem is my demand that they not be there.
To sum up on my demands: almost everything I demand would
not itself engender happiness in me were it to be delivered. If spiritually
misaligned I would merely develop a new set of demands. Of this I have endless
experience. Of those few demands whose non-fulfilment is a genuine bane, I can
go to God and ask for any unmet needs to be met—in order that I can be useful
to others—and in the meantime degrade the demand to a simple request, recognising
that I can be happy under any circumstances provided that I ask God for courage
to supplant fear, gratitude to supplant ingratitude, and humility to supplant
entitlement.
The prayer stage:
Once I have adopted the proper mental attitude towards the
situation, the emotion is likely still lingering. Prayer is required to cement
the new attitude in place and to launch me forward onto a path of giving rather
than concern about getting. The prayers are set out on the top of page 67 of
the book 'Alcoholics Anonymous'. I will not reiterate them here; they are plain
and not subject to interpretation. Note only that one prayer, with four
elements, is set out explicitly; a couple of other prayers are implied by the
results that we are told will flow from this prayer.
The action stage:
The action is two-fold: firstly, if I owe amends, I must
make them. Often resentment lingers because it is the ego's way of displacing
guilt: if I demonise you, it justifies retrospectively my bad behaviour towards
you, because somehow you had it coming; secondly, I need to adopt the right
role, under the guidance of God, in terms of my conduct towards you. Once I am
acting right, it matters little whether you are. My side of the street is
clean.
The above principles brook no exceptions. The practical application
of them may require some ingenuity on occasion but the principles are
universal.
There is no such thing as a justified resentment, because
observation of even the most appalling behaviour does not necessitate or
automatically give rise to a sustained emotional response. We are not puppets
on strings; we choose our emotions by choosing our attitudes. We may observe
that something is regrettable and feel the associated passing emotion on
discovery of the regrettable fact, situation, event, or behaviour; but to
linger on what is regrettable, pondering it, fulminating about it,
contemplating it, and even meditating on it is both unnecessary and unwise.
See, accept, respond if it is my duty or role to respond, and move on.