Chapters 7–9 of the
Big Book offer lots of suggestions
about what not to do. Some are overtly related to sponsorship. Most are not. All
can have a habit of cropping up in sponsorship, which can be a petri dish for
defects, both for sponsor and sponsee. Here are some groupings of such defects,
followed by corrective measures specific to sponsoring others.
Lecturing (91:3)
Fault-finding
(98:3)
Condemnation
(108:1)
Reproach (123:3)
Standing in
judgment (135:2)
Complaining (119:2)
Corrective measure:
Instead of talking
about what they are doing wrong, tell a story about what you have done wrong
and what you did about it.
Forcing yourself on
people (90:4)
Putting pressure on
people (91:2)
Nagging (91:1)
Prodding (95:3)
Pushing (95:3)
Hurry (113:1)
Crowding people
(113:2)
Corrective measure:
Offer what you have
to offer, and let it go at that.
Pleading
hysterically (90:4)
Corrective measure:
Do not repeat
yourself unless asked.
Being over-anxious
(91:0)
Corrective measure:
Remember they are in
God's hands, not yours and that God is available to them if they want Him.
Moralising (91:3)
Reminding others of
spiritual deficiency (120:2)
Corrective measure:
Talk in terms of
what works and what doesn't work, not right and wrong.
Taking offence
(94:1)
Bitterness (103:2)
Rancour (134:3)
Having fixed ideas
about others' attitudes towards you (122:1)
Corrective measure:
If they do not want
what you have, do not take it personally; do not take even your own defects
personally.
Being contradictory
(94:2)
Arguing (98:3)
Fighting anything
or anyone (103:3)
Resentful or
critical disagreement (117:3)
Corrective measure:
State your
position, but not in contradistinction to theirs. Let it go at that.
Wearing out your
welcome (95:1)
Corrective measure:
By and large respond
only to direct questions.
Exhibiting passion
for crusade or reform (95:1)
Corrective measure:
Make it clear
you're sharing because it is your role: have no personal agenda.
Talking down from a
spiritual hilltop (95:1)
Corrective measure:
Make clear where
you came from and how AA has helped you: the merit is not yours.
Discouragement
(96:1)
Being a killjoy
(111:2)
Dampening
enthusiasm (119:1)
Corrective measure:
Encourage.
Avoiding
responsibilities (97:1)
Withdrawing (102:1)
Corrective measure:
Promptly return
phone calls and respond to other attempts to contact you; prioritise offering face-to-face
meetings ahead of other activities.
Depending on people
ahead of God (98:1)
Corrective measure:
Ask God's guidance
continually when interacting with sponsees.
Participating in
the quarrels of others (100:2)
Taking sides in
arguments (115:3)
Corrective measure:
Do not take their
side in arguments or side against them.
Thinking of what
you can get out of a situation (102:0)
Corrective measure:
Drop your own plans
for their recovery.
Intolerance (103:1)
Expecting too much
(118:2)
Corrective measure:
Remember they're
not very well, and will get sober and well on God's schedule, not yours.
Interest in having
your wishes respected (122:1)
Anger (111:0)
Hatred (103:1)
Hostility (103:2)
Demanding that
others concede (122:1)
Corrective measure:
Do not attempt to
ram home suggestions that are unwelcome.
Urging attention
for yourself (119:1)
Corrective measure:
If they do not
contact you, do not run after them.
Playing the lead
(122:2)
Arranging the show
to your liking (122:2)
Arranging others'
lives (120:3)
Guiding the
appointments or affairs of others (120:3)
Corrective measure:
Don't give advice;
share experience and make suggestions based on that experience.
Wrapping others in
cotton wool (122:1)
Placing others on a
pedestal (122:1)
Corrective measure:
Don't withhold
useful truth just because they may not like it.
Measuring life
against that of other years (123:1)
Corrective measure:
Do not compare
sponsees with each other.
Digging up past
misdeeds (124:3)
Corrective measure:
Do not use past
misdeeds to punish or manipulate.
Gossip (125:2)
Corrective measure:
Preserve anonymity.
Making careless or
inconsiderate remarks (125:2)
Ridicule (125:2)
Corrective measure:
Be kind at all
times.
Placing money first
(127:1)
Corrective measure:
Do not resent the
time sponsorship takes away from earning time.
Self-pity (127:3)
Corrective measure:
Take the knocks of
sponsorship as they come.
Self-justification
(127:3)
Corrective measure:
When they disagree
with you, let it go. If they don't like what you say, arguing won't help.
Bias (134:3)
Corrective measure:
Be impartial and
detached.
Pettiness ('making
a burning issue out of ...') (135:2)
Corrective measure:
Ask yourself: 'how
important is it?'