Saturday, 9 August 2014

Dependent relationships

In any relationship of dependence, instead of seeing God as the source of good, with others as the channel, I have made others the source of all good and am then frightened that, if they are eliminated from my life, I will lose all good from my life.

Take a sheet of paper.

On one side, write the heading 'love'.

On the other side, write the heading 'fear'.

Under 'love', write all genuinely good things about the relationship, e.g.:
  • We enjoy going to the cinema together
  • He helps out with my family
  • We enjoy cooking meals together
  • We laugh at the same things
  • She is good at talking through problems when I cannot see the wood for the trees
  • Etc.

 Under 'fear', write all ways in which the other person is the antidote to fear, guilt, shame, etc., e.g.:
  • When I am insecure about my looks, I ask for reassurance, and he provides it.
  • When I am frightened about money, she says she will look after me.
  • He makes me feel special, and I don't feel special unless I am with him.
  • She makes up for the fact I have been rejected so many times before.
  • He is so handsome etc. that it shows others I am 'worth' a boyfriend like that.
  • If she is around, I don't have to be alone.
  • If I am busy fixing him, I don't have to look at my own emotional problems.
  • Compared to her, I actually look reasonably sane, so I don't feel so bad about myself.
  • Etc.

Regarding the 'love' list, pray as follows:

'God, please have me trust that, if this channel for all good is removed, you will provide another channel, so I will always be alright. I undertake to trust in your benevolence and providence,' (or words to that effect: feel free to reword in language and terms you are comfortable with).

Regarding the 'fear' list, ask yourself what the underlying insecurities are, which you are using this relationship to relieve, temporarily. Then discuss with your sponsor or spiritual advisor how you can use the Twelve Steps, Fellowship, Service, and the Twelve Traditions to RECOVER from these problems, rather than temporarily relieving them.

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