(1) I'm too emotional—I will drink if I make the amend
If I am an alcoholic (which I am), the chief remedy is abstinence from alcohol. My real problem, however, is a mind that will convince me a drink is a good idea, and, because of the physical craving, if I drink at all, I may be doomed never to attain sobriety once more.
Since my mind cannot be relied on to keep me sober, my number one priority is remaining connected to the power that is already keeping me sober, regardless of the contents of my mind or heart.
It does not take much exposure to AA to realise that high emotion does not lead to a drink any more than apparent emotional balance or normality ensures sobriety. The real question is whether or not I am on a path that re-establishes a connection with others and God—it is that which will ensure sobriety. If I am on that path, over time, my emotions, as a pleasant by-product, will indeed sort themselves out. If I am not, I am more likely to run into extreme negative emotion. There is thus a correlation between emotional state and relapse, but the relationship is not causal—both problems stem from the same source, conscious separation from others, God, and my true self.
High emotional alert in relation to a particular amend is therefore a jolly good sign that the amend is indeed urgently necessary, not that the amend itself is dangerous: this will be a relationship where there is a particular serious rupture, which needs to be mended.
The book 'Alcoholics Anonymous' is clear about the link between unfinished amends and relapse. Shame, unchecked, will lead back to the bottle—which is why amends, which, over time, clear shame, are vital.
"The inconsistency is made worse by the things he does on his sprees. Coming to his senses, he is revolted at certain episodes he vaguely remembers. These memories are a nightmare. He trembles to think someone might have observed him. As fast as he can, he pushes these memories far inside himself. He hopes they will never see the light of day. He is under constant fear and tension that makes for more drinking." (73:2)
(2) In God's time, not mine—I have to wait for the opportunities to come to me
'Alcoholics Anonymous' is clear that we approach the people to whom we owe amends and do not wait for them to come to us.
". . . we take the bit in our teeth." (77:1)
"But we don't delay if it can be avoided." (83:3)
God will do for us what we cannot do for ourselves. But we need to take action to activate our faith. God ain't gonna slide no hotdog under our door. God certainly does step in where every effort of mine is exhausted. But God is not like Cleopatra's attendants, deferentially feeding her peeled grapes whilst the world revolves around her. I must take the initiative, first!
(3) Attempting to complete amends is just being alcoholically perfectionist—'Alcoholics Anonymous' tells us that it is progress not perfection
This is an underhand argument. The word 'all' appears in Step Eight, and Step Nine refers to 'such people'. There is no suggestion in 'Alcoholics Anonymous' that we should not make every effort to apply each Step to the best of our ability. The 'progress rather than perfection' line refers to the actual results that we obtain rather than the effort we put in. Even if we make a full effort, the results are going to be less than perfect, and there is no cause for self-reproach or dismay. And what is claimed is progress, not stagnation. This means that, if I have any outstanding amends, and I am not making at least stately progress but simply letting them lie, I am stagnating. This is not what the Book encourages.
These lines are much more apropos regarding our approach to amends:
"At some of these we balked. We thought we could find an easier, softer way. But we could not. With all the earnestness at our command, we beg of you to be fearless and thorough from the very start. . . Half measures availed us nothing." (58:3 onwards)
"Simply we tell him that we will never get over drinking until we have done our utmost to straighten out the past." (77:2)
"If we are painstaking about this phase of our development . . ." (83:4)
(4) Making amends just so I feel better is selfish—I have to think about others
It is possible for a good action to have a selfish aim, too. That does not invalidate the good action. The fact we will benefit is irrelevant.
Our real purpose is to fit ourselves to be of maximum service to God and the people about us (77:0)—if we wait till all other purposes and motives are extinguished, we may be waiting for a long time.
Step Nine does indeed suggest we be tactful and considerate, etc., but this is with regard (a) to the manner in which we make amends and (b) the caution we exercise should our amends be at risk of causing additional (i.e. fresh) injury to the person in question or others. It is not in another person's interests per se for us not to make amends to them.
(5) I have not changed yet—there is no point in me making the amends until I have changed
This is rarely entirely true. If you are sober, you are likely not doing drunken things. This particular excuse refers usually to ongoing behaviour patterns, e.g. tetchiness, tardiness, sulking, manipulation, and other unpleasant daily habits.
Many of the people on the list I will never see again once I have made the amend. Whether or not I am displaying character defects in general is irrelevant in these cases.
With regard to friends, family, colleagues, etc., the amends are likely to consist in an admission of (a) big-ticket items (which can certainly be made amends for straight away) and (b) ongoing irritating or harmful behaviour patterns (where we can admit our wrong and explain that we are on a path of spiritual growth which involves ongoing inventory and correction of errors).
If we wait until all character defects have been straightened out until we make amends, we may be waiting for a very long time indeed. People deserve an apology and a commitment to change now.
Amends are about admitting wrong and expressing the wish to behave well in the future and to grow towards such ideals. They are not and cannot be a promise never to do anything wrong again.
It is in fact the clearing away of the past and turning over of a new leaf which is most likely to pave the way for a change in behaviour, because of the stripping away of a whole layer of tense guilt and shame relating to unfinished amends.
Make the amend, and clean up any future mess when you make it. That is what Step Ten is for.
(6) They harmed me more than I harmed them/I still do not like the person
"Though his family be at fault in many respects, he should not be concerned about that. He should concentrate on his own spiritual demonstration. Argument and fault-finding are to be avoided like the plague." (98:3)
"It may be he has done us more harm than we have done him and, though we may have acquired a better attitude toward him, we are still not too keen about admitting our faults. Nevertheless, with a person we dislike, we take the bit in our teeth." (77:1)
(7) There is no hurry—it is not a race
Yes there is, and yes it is. It is a race against the ego, and it is one you want to win, if you do not want to drink again.
"We will never get over drinking until we have done our utmost to straighten out the past." (77:2)
"But we don't delay if it can be avoided." (83:3)
"We must lose our fear of creditors no matter how far we have to go, for we are liable to drink if we are afraid to face them." (78:2)
(8) People just want me to be sober and happy—that is my amend
If you follow the amends procedure, admit your harms and express regret, and then ask what you can do to straighten things out, and this is what they say, then marvellous!
But there is only one way of finding out whether this is true—by making the amend first and then asking the question. Often it is discovered that people will benefit hugely from being able to tell their side of the story of how our harm affected them. If they are indeed already healed of the harm we have done, then the amends conversation will, in any case, be painless for them. If they are not, it will have been a jolly good plan to have made the amends and afforded them the opportunity for healing.
Creditors, furthermore, are usually more interested in having their money back than our wellbeing.
(9) It will upset the person to bring up past harms
Bringing up known harms cannot create fresh injury; only the revelation of new information can cause fresh injury.
If someone is still upset at the recollection of the harm, that upset is within them, affecting them 24 hours a day at some level. What better approach than to offer them the opportunity for healing through the conciliatory process of Step Nine? Having been on both sides of the fence with amends, I know the process to be more healing than any other I know.
If someone is indeed 'over it', as indicated above, the entire process will be quite painless in any case.
(10) They (an ex-partner) are or might be with someone else now
I denied myself—and others—freedom for a long time by using this excuse. I had an unmoveable layer of shame and an inclination to repeat old patterns in current relationships. Certain obsessions, particularly with the past, would not leave me. I had unshakeable low self-esteem.
One day I took the bull by the horns and the bit between my teeth.
There is always the option of making the amend in person in public or in the (nearby) presence front of a third party, if there are concerns about propriety, or leaving the amend at a letter and/or phone call where there are other sensitivities.
Stating why I am making the approach (that I will not get over drinking unless I do my utmost to straighten out the past) makes it clear why I am in contact and removes the appearance of ill motives.
In a spirit of tact and consideration, I approached the exes I could find initially by letter, frankly admitting my harms and expressing the desire to meet or talk over the phone (where they were geographically distant) to express my regret. This I did, where they allowed. No harm came to anyone. There was no bogeyman here.
And the problems described above shifted.