"We were having trouble with personal relationships, we couldn't control our emotional natures, we were a prey to misery and depression, we couldn't make a living, we had a feeling of uselessness, we were full of fear, we were unhappy, we couldn't seem to be of real help to other people—was not a basic solution of these bedevilments more important than whether we should see newsreels of lunar flight?" (52:2, 'Alcoholics Anonymous')
A SPOT-CHECK DIAGNOSTIC TOOL—THE BEDEVILMENTS
• Are you experiencing lack, limitation, emptiness, or strife in your personal relationships?
• Do emotions lead you to make (or not make) decisions, take (or not take) actions, or say (or not say) things that you then regret?
• Do you suffer from misery, depression, unhappiness, or low self-worth?
• Are you able to be of real help to other people?
• Do you suffer from fear, anxiety, misgivings, or perfectionism (a sign of fear)? Do you try to discern the future? Do you spend much time pre-playing future scenarios?
If you're suffering in any of these areas, there is probably self-will in operation.
"The first requirement is that we be convinced that any life run on self-will can hardly be a success. On that basis we are almost always in collision with something or somebody, even though our motives are good. Most people try to live by self-propulsion. Each person is like an actor who tried to run the whole show; is forever trying to arrange the lights, the ballet, the scenery, and the rest of the players in his own way. If his arrangements would only stay put, if only people would do as he wished, the show would be great. Everybody, including himself, would be pleased. Life would be wonderful. In trying to make these arrangements our actor may sometimes be quite virtuous. He may be kind, considerate, patient, generous; even modest and self-sacrificing. On the other hand, he may be mean, egotistical, selfish, and dishonest. But as with most humans, he is likely to have varied traits.
What usually happens? The show doesn't come off very well. He begins to think life doesn't treat him right. He decides to exert himself more. He becomes, on the next occasion, still more demanding or gracious, as the case may be. Still the play does not suit him. Admitting he may be somewhat at fault, he is sure that other people are more to blame. He becomes angry, indignant, self-pitying. What is his basic trouble? Is he not really a self seeker even when trying to be kind? Is he not a victim of the delusion that he can wrest satisfaction and happiness out of this world if he only manages well? Is it not evident to all the rest of the players that these are the things he wants? And do not his actions make each of them wish to retaliate, snatching all they can get out of the show? Is he not, even in his best moments, a producer of confusion rather than harmony?
Our actor is self-centered—egocentric, as people like to call it nowadays. He is like the retired business man who lolls in the Florida sunshine in the winter complaining of the sad state of the nation; the minister who sighs over the sins of the twentieth century; politicians and reformers who are sure all would be Utopia if the rest of the world would only behave; the outlaw safe cracker who thinks society has wronged him; and the alcoholic who has lost all and is locked up. Whatever our protestations, are not most of us concerned with ourselves, our resentments, or our self-pity?
Selfishness—self-centeredness! That, we think, is the root of our troubles. Driven by a hundred forms of fear, self-delusion, self-seeking, and self-pity, we step on the toes of our fellows and they retaliate. Sometimes they hurt us, seemingly without provocation, but we invariably find that at some time in the past we have made decisions based on self which has placed us in a position to be hurt." (60:8–62:2)
Self-will can be defined as what I want for myself. This manifests in seven ways (cf. p. 64–65):
(1) Pride (what I think you think about me)
(2) Self-esteem (what I think of myself)
(3) Personal relations (the script I give you)
(4) Sex relations (the script I give you inside the sexual arena—a subset of 'personal relations')
(5) Ambitions (what I want in order to be happy and satisfied (p. 61:1))
(6) Security (what I need to be OK)
(7) Pocketbooks (money and what it means to me).
Thus self-will provides me with DIRECTION. Self-propulsion is where I am using these seven areas of self to provide me with motivation, therefore POWER. This takes the place of seeking DIRECTION and POWER from God.
Before I can turn to God for DIRECTION and POWER, I need be convinced that living life with self-will and self-propulsion as DIRECTION and POWER can hardly be a success.
The aim of this inventory is to convince me of this at gut level.
THE SELF AS THE SOURCE OF DIRECTION AND POWER
• Do I make demands in the seven areas of self (= self-seeking)?
• Is this what propels me through my day, through my life (= self-propulsion)?
• Am I driven by fear?
• Self-pity?
THE DELUDED IDEALIST
• Am I a victim of the DELUSION that I can wrest satisfaction and happiness from this world if only I manage (myself, others, and circumstances) well?
• Do I believe that, if only my arrangements would stay put, the show would be great?
• Do I believe that, if only people would do as I wished, THEY would be pleased, too?
• Do I believe that the world would be Utopia if only the rest of the world would behave, like the politician or reformer?
• Can other people not see that all I want is the best?
THE ACTOR PLAYING OTHER ROLES
• Actors act.
• Do I play the director, the producer, the playwright, the choreographer, the prompt, the critic, or the audience in my life?
• Do I use egotism, selfishness, dishonesty, or demands to get my own way?
• Do I use kindness, consideration, patience, generosity, modesty, self-sacrifice, or graciousness to get my own way?
• Am I like the outlaw safe-cracker—trying to get something for nothing?
• Do I respond to failure simply by exerting myself more?
THE PRODUCER OF CONFUSION
• Does this cause internal collision (conflicting demands within myself)?
• Does this cause collision with people, institutions, or principles?
• Do I step on the toes of others?
• When others retaliate, can I see that my selfish decisions prompted the reaction?
• Do I produce confusion or harmony?
THE BLAME-THROWER
• Do I blame the world around me for my troubles?
• Do I complain about the sad state of the world like the business man?
• Do I sigh over the sins of the world like the minister?
THE SELF-OBSESSED, SELF-PITYING ALCOHOLIC
• Does the play suit me?
• Do I believe that society has wronged me?
• Do people hurt me, SEEMINGLY without provocation?
• Am I angry, indignant, and self-pitying?
• Do I believe that life does not treat me right?
• Am I concerned mostly with myself, my resentments, and my self-pity?
• Have I lost all?
• Am I locked up—either literally, or inside myself?
"Selfishness—self-centeredness! That, we think, is the root of our troubles. . .
So our troubles, we think, are basically of our own making. They arise out of ourselves, and the alcoholic is an extreme example of self-will run riot, though he usually doesn't think so. Above everything, we alcoholics must be rid of this selfishness. We must, or it will kill us! God makes that possible. And there often seems no way of entirely getting rid of self without His aid. Many of us had moral and philosophical convictions galore, but we could not live up to them even though we would have liked to. Neither could we reduce our self-centeredness much by wishing or trying on our own power. We had to have God's help." (62:1–2)
WRAP-UP QUESTIONS
• Can I see that my troubles are of my own making?
• Can I see I must be rid of selfishness or I will drink and die?
• Can I see that moral and philosophical convictions are insufficient for me to rid myself of selfishness?
• Am I unable to get rid of my own selfishness on my own power—by wishing or trying?
• Can I see God making this possible in others?
• Must I have God's help?
WHAT NEXT?
If the answer to these six questions is 'yes', follow the instructions from 62:3 ("This is the how . . .") to (83:3 ". . . this phase of our development").
This process will fulfil the following promises, which are the reversal of the bedevilments described above.
"We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness. We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it. We will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace. No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience can benefit others. That feeling of uselessness and self-pity will disappear. We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows. Self-seeking will slip away. Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change. Fear of people and of economic insecurity will leave us. We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us. We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves."