Cannot or will not?

[Quotations from 'Alcoholics Anonymous']

"Rarely have we seen a person fail who has thoroughly followed our path. Those who do not recover are people who cannot or will not completely give themselves to this simple program, usually men and women who are constitutionally incapable of being honest with themselves." (58:1)

"We find it a waste of time to keep chasing a man who cannot or will not work with you." (96:1)

"Some men cannot or will not get over alcoholism." (114:2)

When I came to AA, I was in bad shape. Bleeding and on fire, as it were. People rushed round, staunched the bleeding, and used the fire extinguisher on me. The relief was wonderful. AA seemed terribly easy. You feel bad, you go to a meeting, and you get relief. I soon found that relief could be found by expressing at meetings what was going on for me. Other people propped me up, reassured me, and told me everything would be fine. It worked, it really did!

". . . hoping to find understanding companionship and approval. Momentarily we did—then would come oblivion and the awful awakening to face the hideous Four Horsemen—Terror, Bewilderment, Frustration, Despair." (151:2)
[OK, the passage is about 'sordid places' and drinking, but it is amazing how well the passages in the Big Book about alcoholic drinking equally well describe alcoholic thinking.]

Anyway, keyword: momentarily. Sometimes on the way home from the meeting, sometimes the next day, I would be in as bad a state, about precisely the same problem from which I had sought and gained relief, and off I would trot to my meeting, carrying my fear, my low self-worth, whatever my ten-ton anchor du jour was, hoping to leave it there, not realising it was tied to my ankle.

"This is repeated over and over, and unless this person can experience an entire psychic change there is very little hope of his recovery." (xxix:0)

[Ha! Another passage about drinking that seems neatly to describe a mode of sobriety.]

Relief and recovery are not the same. Relief is a temporary lift. Recovery involves a permanent change (27:4—"Ideas, emotions, and attitudes which were once the guiding forces of the lives of these men are suddenly cast to one side, and a completely new set of conceptions and motives begin to dominate them.")

[Usual disclaimer at this point about the need for constant maintenance and growth: we are not cured, cf. 85:1.]

I have long spent periods since I came to AA seeking relief but not recovery, and I am frankly lucky not to have slipped from God's grace and drunk, because so many friends who have fallen into the same trap are now, themselves, drunk or dead. And today, sadly, I see a lot of other people who "cannot or will not recover", who cannot or will not take the actions set out in the Book, suggested (i.e. offered freely with no coercion) as a programme of recovery (59:2). By contrast, as stated on page 58, "rarely have we seen a person fail who has thoroughly followed our path." (In my case, 'never', but the 'rarely' vs 'never' discussion will have to wait for another day.)

The Book is hesitant to determine definitively why not everyone succeeds in AA. This class of punter—"cannot or will not"—is alluded to on three occasions that I can find (see above). The question of whether, individually, they are unable or unwilling is not answered fully on any of these three occasions. The nearest we get is this: "usually men and women who are constitutionally incapable of being honest with themselves," (58:1) which seems to suggest the former.

Sadly, the phenomenon is common. Even some of the people that wrote the Book died drunk, having later eschewed the disciplines they earlier espoused, thereby proving the principle they had propounded so vehemently: "For if an alcoholic failed to perfect and enlarge his spiritual life through work and self-sacrifice for others, he could not survive the certain trials and low spots ahead. If he did not work, he would surely drink again, and if he drank, he would surely die. Then faith would be dead indeed. With us it is just like that." (14:6)

Having spent so much time NOT recovering whilst attending AA meetings with great regularity, I can share with you what my 'blocks' were to "going to it" (cf. 75:2)—to getting on with the programme, fearlessly, thoroughly, and "now" (59:1)—rather than 'getting round to it' in my own sweet time (aka 'never').

(1) Not believing that drinking again is particular dangerous, so "what's the rush?!" (Problem: not understanding the physical craving, cf. 32:2—"gathering all his forces, he attempted to stop altogether and found he could not . . . he went to pieces quickly and was dead within four years.")

Ignorance and self-delusion.

(2) Believing that, because today 'I do not want to drink and remember where I came from', I am necessarily immune from the first drink. (Problem: not understanding the mental obsession, cf. 24:2—"We are unable, at certain times, to bring into our consciousness with sufficient force the memory of the suffering and humiliation of even a week or a month ago. We are without defence against the first drink.")

Ignorance and self-delusion.

(3) Not believing that I need to maintain and grow a spiritual experience (the 'hope' of the alcoholic, cf. 66:1) in order to avoid falling between commas ("at certain times"—the mental obsession) and drinking again.

Ignorance and self-delusion.

(4) Believing that I can rely on warning signs to prompt me to vigorous action should the mental obsession loom—not believing that it arrives suddenly (cf. Jim's story, 36:2) and that, once it has arrived, I am on the other side of the looking-glass and it is already too late.

Ignorance and self-delusion.

(5) Believing that the codes of morals and better philosophy of life (cf. 44:4) fostered in AA meetings are sufficient without vigorous action to strip away that which separates me from God.

Ignorance and self-delusion.

(6) Believing that, whilst God, sought and found through the Twelve Steps, will keep others' egos at bay and therefore keep them sober, He is not powerful enough to keep me sober: 'God is more powerful than everyone else's egos, but my ego is more powerful than God'.

Delusions of grandeur.

(7) Believing that God must be sought through the Twelve Steps to ensure sobriety but not, when push comes to shove, believing in their sufficiency to solve what strike me as gargantuan and super-complex problems in my life. I will thus wait until they are solved or at least on their way to being solved before embarking on your paltry little Steps—I then avoid seeking that which can solve my problem (cf. 45:2 and 62:1—"Selfishness—self-centeredness") until the problem in all its manifestations is solved.

This is a particularly pernicious trap. To quote Charles H. Spurgeon, "If thou has made some difficulties for thyself, if thou art such a fool as to be tying knots and wanting to get them untied before thou wilt believe in [God], then I have nothing to say to thee, except it were, beware lest thou dost tie a knot that shall destroy thy soul."

Ignorance and self-delusion.

(8) Believing that God must be sought through the Twelve Steps to ensure sobriety but being scared that the Steps will involve so much pain I will be blown apart.

Plain, ol' fear.

The first seven of these problems may be amenable to logical discussion. The eighth is tricky. And it is the eighth that requires genuine faith, faith, for these purposes, being defined as 'the courage to take the action to give me the experience to take me from the belief (in my mind) that God exists to the knowledge (in my heart) that God is all-powerful and -loving'.

The Steps, it is true, are a consuming fire that burns away everything that is not the true self; with the illusions, delusions, and obsessions that are stripped away, many 'externals' (people, places, and things to which you are apparently glued in your heart and mind) are also swept away like matchstick pagodas in a monsoon. However, to quote Luke 21:18 "But there shall not an hair of your head perish."

The faith required, the sleight of hand, is this: no matter what difficulties are presented, no matter what emotions spring to the surface as a result of the Steps, YOU will not be harmed, even if your external life is subject to alarming seismic movements.

Which brings me to the relationship between my Step Twelve and the Steps One and Two of someone I am working with. The prospect will only have the faith and courage to take Step Three (and follow through with the other nine Steps) if the ignorance, self-delusion, delusions of grandeur, and plain ol' fear blocking the first two Steps are relieved, dismantled, or at least temporarily set aside.

Thus, cf. 55:4: "We can only clear the ground a bit. If our testimony helps sweep away prejudice, enables you to think honestly, encourages you to search diligently within yourself, then, if you wish, you can join us on the Broad Highway. With this attitude you cannot fail. The consciousness of your belief is sure to come to you."

My Step Twelve, in this case, is to testify (cf. above—"testimony") the experience of what I was like, what happened, and what I am like now. Note I am the passive recipient of grace which enables me to take the actions necessary to maintain my connection with God. All that is really required is enough willingness to ask persistently with faith that it shall be given.

"Keep on asking and it will be given you; keep on seeking and you will find; keep on knocking and the door will be opened to you." (Matthew 7:7)

Ultimately, "when many hundreds of people are able to say that the consciousness of the Presence of God is today the most important fact of their lives, they present a powerful reason why one should have faith." (51:0)

Thus, a lot of testimony may be necessary before prospect comes to believe (a) "in the hopelessness and futility of life as we had been living it" (25:1) and (b) "that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity" (59:4).

HOWEVER: I, as a member of AA, am responsible merely for testifying. I am not responsible for the results. I am not responsible for whether a particular prospects 'gets it', makes a decision, and gets on with the Steps. The most trouble I get into is when I try and force this and, rather than letting God demonstrate, through me, what He can do (68:3), develop Little Plans and Designs (63:1) for someone else's recovery.

Stop it! Stop it! (As I was recently told.)

"And go, get you to the captives, to the children of your people, and speak to them and tell them, Thus says the Lord God, whether they will hear or refuse to hear." (Ezekiel 4:11)
Testify—whether they will hear or refuse to hear—, make sure the door is always open, and leave the prospect to walk through it—or not.

Ultimately, another alcoholic's ability or willingness—or lack thereof—is not for me to fathom.