Here is an article introducing an approach to character defects.
Set out below is a review of all of the character defects.
This approach does not replace the Twelve Steps but represents the experience of having taken them.
Pride
“Pride is putting self in the place of God as the centre and objective of our life, or of some department thereof. It is the refusal to recognise our status as creatures, dependent on God for our existence, and placed by Him in a specific relationship to the rest of His creation.”
I can tell I’m the centre and main objective of my life or of some department thereof when I am preoccupied with what others think of me, my own self-image, the behaviour of others and how that affects my life, my finances, my wants, and my so-called needs. To the extent that I dwell on these matters or indulge grievance or fear in relation thereto, to the extent that these form the basis for deciding how to dispose of my time, my energies, and my resources, to that extent am I self-centred.
The solution to this is to have my thoughts redirected and my day constructed under the direction of God, which is where the Big Book page 86 instructions come in. They fire a missile directly at the heart of self-centredness. For one day only and for one day at a time, the problem is removed. It will return overnight, like a homing buzzard, circling me ominously in the early morning; hence the necessity to restart the project daily.
The status of creature: I did not create myself, and so my purpose is not my own. The clay does not have its own purpose. It is purposed by the potter, and the clay is not sufficiently elevated to understand its purpose. Clay does not resist being moulded. I do. My job is to therefore sit still and be moulded.
Dependent on God for my existence; not on ‘people, places, and things’. It is to God I must turn in relation to everything I need. God might or might not use people, places, and things for His purposes to be fulfilled in my life. The direct channel often suffices.
Placed in a specific relationship to the rest of His creation: it is that specific relationship that is sought, but I seek it not by seeking knowledge of that relationship per se but by asking God each day what, specifically, I am supposed to do with my time. The relationship flows automatically from that.
Spoiler: the relationship seems to involve a combination of leaving people alone rather than meddling, and being of service where it’s wanted, needed, and asked for.
The inverse of pride is humility. Humility can thus be defined as follows:
Humility is putting God in the place of self as the centre and objective of our life, or of some department thereof. It is the ready recognition of our status as creatures, dependent on God for our existence, and placed by Him in a specific relationship to the rest of His creation.
Pride (continued)
“Irreverence. Deliberate neglect of the worship of God every Sunday in his Church, or being content with a perfunctory participation in it. Disregard of other Holy Days or of additional opportunities for giving God honour. Failure to thank God or to express our gratitude adequately. Disrespect for God or holy things by deliberately treating them, in thought, word or deed, in a profane, contemptuous or over-familiar manner. Use of holy things for personal advantage, or the attempt to bribe or placate God by religious practices or promises.”
My points of identification:
- Giving myself 'permission' to miss my home group because I simply don't feel like it, then constructing 'reasons'
- Attending an AA meeting but daydreaming, wishing it were over, and not listening; turning up just on time or late, leaving promptly
- Not going for fellowship or leaving indecently early, again with 'reasons' (really: planning)
- Taking credit for my own recovery, plumping myself up rather than giving God credit
- Talking to God only in crises and not acknowledging that all good comes from Him
Pride (continued)
“Sentimentality. Being satisfied with pious feelings, emotional displays and beautiful ceremonies without striving to obey God’s will.”
It’s all very well waxing lyrical about ‘we are all one’, ‘what I’m looking for I’m looking with’, ‘nothing happens in God’s world by mistake’, ‘we’re all miracles’, ‘I love every one of you’, ‘God loves me’, ‘God loves you’; there’s a place for handing out chips, claps, and hugs; there’s a place for singing ‘keep coming back’ in three-part harmony; there’s a place for conferences, conventions, candles, countdowns, and the reading of page 164. But these are the decorative cornices not the load-bearing structure; the fondant fancy not the wholemeal bread.
The business end of the programme is doing things that are not so much fun and not so public: sponsoring difficult cases; keeping one’s mouth shut with family; letting things be broken without trying to fix them; accepting periods of bleakness and desolation whilst continuing to perform one’s duties and waiting either for the mood to pass or the lesson to be learned; accepting hardship or vicissitude without complaint, dramatisation, or turning it into a daily soap opera; being diligent in the discharge of one’s obligations even when no one is looking and one cannot see who could benefit; steadfastness of trust in God and consistency of mundane action whatever the circumstances or the appearance thereof: these are the real nuts and bolts of the programme; these are what keep the show on the road.
Pride (continued)
“Presumption. Dependence on self rather than on God, with the consequent neglect of the means of grace—sacraments and prayer. Dispensation of ourselves from ordinary duties on the grounds that we are superior persons. Satisfaction or complacency over our spiritual achievements. Refusal to avoid, when possible, immediate occasions of temptation. Preference for our own ideas, customs, schemes or techniques. Foolish optimism. Failure to recognize our job as a divine vocation, or to offer our work to God. Unwillingness to surrender to and abide in Christ, to let him act in and through us. Failure to offer to God regularly in intercession the persons or causes that have, or should enlist our interest and support.”
Dependence on self: asking myself, ‘what is going on?’ and ‘what should I do?’, without first ejecting character defects from the arena and without stopping to review the answers critically, in the light of spiritual principles; asking myself such questions, rather than asking God.
In a religious sense, the sacraments might be viewed as that which opens the door to grace. In AA, there are no sacraments, but there are sacrament-like conditions: the completion of the first nine Steps, the structuring of one’s life around God and the programme, and the daily actions to keep the decks clear and to bring down the grace of God through directed belief, thought, and action.
Ordinary duties: either in life, or in AA. Service continues to need to be done. Step Twelve requires work, and spiritual activities (per se), such as prayer, meditation, spiritual reading, contemplation, classes and courses, all being valid courses of action, are there to support Step Twelve, not replace it. Other spiritual activities—using Step Eleven to try to influence, affect, or direct others’ lives or the world in the way we think right, spiritualism (in the communicative sense), esoterism—which are of more questionable validity, might profitably be left to others. Rather than getting lost in Step Eleven, one can focus on going to meetings and doing the humdrum work of taking people through the Book, explaining one to one what the Book is actually saying, in ways that entry-level AAs can understand.
Self-satisfaction: anything one has achieved is from God; one was merely the instrument and the recipient of grace; as it says on page 58, our stories disclose what happened (to us), not what we brought about ourselves.
Complacency: one is not cured of alcoholism; the ego, after many years, is stronger than ever, as it has all of one’s intellectual resources available, even if, in practice, it is being systematically hobbled, defrocked, demoted, distanced, and outranked due to the actions of the programme and the grace of God. The whole house of cards is contingent: one puff of wind, and the whole thing would collapse; God is holding each flimsy card of the rickety structure in place.
Refusal to avoid occasions of temptation: as Chapter Seven says, I avoid occasions of temptation unless I have reason to be in such places at such times. Tempting fate (e.g. drinking non-alcoholic champagne) I avoid. Engagement in activities that give a thrill akin to drinking or drugging—likewise. Toying around the edges, trying to have one’s cake and eat it, can be costly spiritually and risk demise.
Preference: one only has ‘one’s own way’ of doing things; I can say a way is ‘right for me’ but I can’t guarantee it’s right for others (even if one might be tempted to lay bets). People seem to do well in AA with all sorts of different approaches.
Foolish optimism: sometimes really wicked, tragic, or sad things really do happen, and it’s not because one didn’t pray hard enough or in the right way. God’s not a slot machine, dispensing sweeties if one puts the right penny in the slot. There are theologies that suggest one somehow commands every aspect of one’s life and experience. This sounds very promising, but the sting is in the tail when things don’t work out in the way one had hoped. As the list of defects suggests, one should indeed pray for others, but not as the long arm of self-will, extending into the ether, pulling at God’s ear.
Surrender: my job, whether in meetings, sponsorship, or public information work, is not to further my own aims but simply to be acted through, sometimes without even being aware how it is happening. I suffer when I have agendas.
Pride (continued)
“Distrust. Refusal to recognize God’s wisdom, providence and love. Worry, anxiety, misgivings, scrupulosity, or perfectionism. Attempts to discern or control the future by spiritualism, astrology, fortune telling or the like. Magic or superstition. Over-sensitiveness. Expectation that others will dislike, reject or mistreat us; over-readiness so to interpret their attitude, or quickness to take offense. Unfounded suspicions. Timidity in accepting responsibility, or cowardice in facing difficulty or suffering. Surrender to feelings of depression, gloom, pessimism, discouragement, self-pity, or fear of death, instead of fighting to be brave, cheerful and hopeful.”
These are not psychological questions but moral questions. Either I trust God or I battle on as if alone and try to navigate the bewildering array of apparent catastrophes on the way. Most have never happened; those that have I’ve handled. It is thus with all things. When I think I’m humble or prudent I’m often just timid. When I think I’m frightened or anxious I’m often just cowardly. Courage is the answer here, not root-cause analysis, paediatric forensics, or biological determinism.
Not everything does work out, practically, and I’m suspicious of theologies that suggest this, or that the horrors are not horrors at all but wonderful blessings in disguise, gifts from God. The faculty to develop is fortitude, not denial. That’s what I’m being trained for. The gift is real but lies in the response, not the thing itself.
What do God’s wisdom, providence, and love mean in this context? Firstly, that I will be given the spiritual resources to handle what arrives; secondly, the recognition that we’re not in the only realm but in the lower realm. That contextualises what happens here, but without removing it, discounting it to nil (i.e. this realm is not merely an illusion), or touching it up beyond recognition.
Worry and anxiety are skills, carefully trained like archery or bridge, and the faculty, once developed, is powerful. The mechanism cannot be decommissioned completely but it can be switched off at the wall.
Scrupulosity and perfectionism: the fallacy that one can cheat the system and avoid difficulty or worse by calculating the numbers of the winning lottery ticket or reducing the target to such an infinitesimal point that nothing can hit it.
Many of these defects consist in structures of illusory control as compensation for the distrust.
The various forms of touchiness and paranoia: having others as one’s God, rather than God Himself; treating others as the judge, the arbiters of one’s performance, the source of one’s good.
The list of defects starting with ‘depression’: the land entered gladly or without sufficient resistance to temptation. Note the word ‘surrender’: these states are the territories of the enemy. Dwelling in such states represents surrender to and joining the enemy’s forces. Not psychological or physiological inevitabilities but domains of habitation. Once one has set up residence there, it will take considerable effort over considerable time to escape back across the iron wall, but one must begin somewhere.
The alternative to such gloom in the face of the material world is presented by C. S. Lewis in one of his essays, which contains wise counsel:
“This is the first point to be made: and the first action to be taken is to pull ourselves together. If we are all going to be destroyed by an atomic bomb, let that bomb when it comes find us doing sensible and human things—praying, working, teaching, reading, listening to music, bathing the children, playing tennis, chatting to our friends over a pint and a game of darts—not huddled together like frightened sheep and thinking about bombs. They may break our bodies (a microbe can do that) but they need not dominate our minds.”
Pride (continued)
“Disobedience. Rejection of God’s known will in favour of our own interests or pleasures. Disobedience of the legitimate (and therefore divinely ordained) laws, regulations or authority of the Church, state, husband, parents, teachers, etc.; or slow and reluctant obedience. Failure when in authority to fulfil responsibilities or to consider the best interests of those under us. Refusal to learn God’s nature or will as revealed in Scripture, expounded in instructions or expert advice, or discernible through prayer, meditation or the reading of religious books. Absorption in our own affairs, leaving little time, energy or interest for the things of God. Violation of confidence. Breaking of legitimate promises or contracts. Irresponsibility. Treachery. Unnecessary disappointment of another, or the causing of shame or anxiety to those who love us.”
The best order of priorities I have found: (1) maintain the structure of my life (sorting myself out: ready for work) (2) obligations (3) fun. The obligations are the bread and butter. To fulfil my obligations, I have to be in a fit condition (physically, mentally, spiritually), so getting myself in a fit condition temporally precedes the fulfilment of the obligations, though the obligations are more important. This is why talk of priorities usually lacks subtlety. Temporal priority is different than mission-significance, and order is not aligned with importance.
Note that the reading does not indicate there is anything wrong with interests and pleasures; in fact, they’re necessary, but it’s their usurpation of ‘pride of place’ in the schedule that is the problem. It is gallivanting, off on a frolic of my own, when there is an obligation to be fulfilled, work to be done, that is the problem.
To disobey God’s known will presupposes that one knows God’s will. God’s will is often wrapped up in layers of mystery. It’s not mysterious, for the most part. Brush my teeth, make my bed, do the housework, go to work, do the step work, do the other spiritual work, fulfil family obligations, return phone calls, let go, find interests and activities that make life worthwhile, don’t dissipate time on rubbish. Once in a while there’s a genuine decision.
I’ve previously made a personality out of being contrary, inflexible, cavilling over every little thing I disagree with, disobeying, remonstrating, and complaining ostentatiously, feeling very ill-used if it is suggested I do something merely because that’s what someone else thinks is right or that’s what the system is. Paradoxically, I do far better myself and am far more independent if I cooperate with ‘how things are’ and constructively act within that rather than being the renegade or the maverick.
With the fulfilment of responsibilities in organisations or associations, one can find that one is the only person actually doing the job as outlined, that others are cutting corners. I’ve learned to do things properly even if I’m the only one doing so, and even if that puts the occasional back up. The work is more important than the reputation.
Regarding the refusal to learn God’s will, I’ve had the perverse notion that, unless I work something out for myself, it’s of no value. Actually, the job appears to be to learn everything one can from others and build from that. That’s the point at which my discernment contribution starts: where other resources end.
Regarding the breaking of legitimate promises: one of the basic rules appears to be, ‘Do what you said you were going to do, when you said you were going to do it.’ This is one of the keystones of integrity.
“Impenitence. Refusal to search out and face up to our sins, or to confess and admit them before God. Disregard of our sins or pretence that we are better than we are. Self-justification or discounting our sins as insignificant, natural or inevitable. Self-righteous comparison of ourselves with others. Refusal to accept just punishment or to make due reparation when possible. Deceit or lying to escape the consequences of our sins, or allowing another to suffer the blame for our faults. Overcompensation or attempts at self-reform or self-vengeance, to avoid surrender to God in humble penitence. Shame (hurt pride), sorrow for ourselves because our sins make us less respectable than we like to think we are, or because we fear punishment or injury to our reputation, rather than sorrow for what sin is in the eyes of God. Refusal to admit we were in the wrong or to apologize. Refusal to accept forgiveness from God or others. Doubt that God can forgive our sins, or failure to use the means of getting assurance of his forgiveness when we need it. Unwillingness to forgive ourselves.”
Grievance is an excellent way to postpone penitence indefinitely, as a situation or even a feeling is blamed on someone or something else as the unica causa, and it is assumed a priori that I am unflawed. This is why resentment is the number-one offender. It is the diversion that keeps the sleuth from tracking down the culprit. Even once I was on the right track, my first Step Four took about two hours, spread over several months. Don’t ask how I stayed sober over that period. Unmerited grace must be the answer, plus surrender in general to the performance of sufficient other programme actions. I rather overdid some of these, and was quite dependent on them: hence the overcompensation the passage also talks about. The reason I needed so many meetings was that I had not worked through the initial steps of the Twelve Steps to clear my consciousness. I don’t need meetings now per se, but I go because there is good purpose to going. They’re not compensating for anything.
I have a tendency to write off character defects as natural or normal, as part of my character, or as just responses to difficult situations. My job is to view others’ defects in that way, not mine. Double standards? Absolutely. Give others the benefit of the doubt, but not oneself, because one knows better. Yield to others but bring oneself to heel. Indulge others’ wishes but be stern with one’s own. That’s the whole core of morality. If each serves others and denies himself, we all get on. If each serves himself and denies others, there is chaos and conflict.
The attempts at self-reform or self-vengeance are interesting: ‘must try harder’ is a genuinely useful dictum but not to eliminate defects, instead to seek to do God’s will. Elaborate inventory, in-depth, protracted conversations, circling analysis, and ‘deep dives’ are all ways of avoiding going to God, saying, ‘I can’t do anything about this. Can you help?’ The recognition of impotence in the face of them is the humble part. The same goes with sponsoring others. No mind-reading or problem-solving. Just programme.
Shame (hurt pride): the root of all concern with the opinions of others, which is positioning them as arbiter and therefore god-substitute. The real virtue of virtue is that it gets God’s will done. The real vice of vice is its sabotage or prevention of God’s will. The bane is not the suffering I’m causing to myself or to my reputation but the life I should be living that is being dodged.
The longer I delay admitting wrong, the worse the admission gets, because the more time has been ill-spent in delusion and sub-par performance.
The last section is technically referred to as ‘scrupulosity: never letting oneself off the hook, and a common sign is rehashing the same inventory or repeatedly attempting to make amends to uninterested people or people who simply do not like us because we are unlikeable, not because we are harmful.
Rather than relentlessly hacking at oneself or prostrating oneself before others, the answer is to recognise that one’s defects will only be removed if the whole person is surrendered to God, and that progress will be at God’s pace not one’s own, with such defects removed as get in the way of God’s will. Such scrupulosity often stems from irritation that one’s defects are getting in the way of one’s own will.
It is quite possible to improve only a little but nonetheless amply do God’s will. It’s God’s judgement that counts, not one’s own, and one has no access to God’s judgement; all one can do is go to God and ask for (re)direction and strength, leaving the score a mystery.
“Vanity. Crediting to ourselves rather than to God our talents, abilities, insights, accomplishments, good works. Refusal to admit indebtedness to others, or adequately to express gratitude for their help. Hypocrisy. Pretence to virtues we do not possess. False humility. Harsh judgments on others for faults we excuse in ourselves. Boasting, exaggeration, drawing attention to ourselves by talking too much, by claiming ability, wisdom, experience or influence we do not have, or by eccentric or ostentatious behaviour. Undue concern over, or expenditure of time, money or energy on looks, dress, surroundings, etc., in order to impress others; or deliberate slovenliness for the same purpose. Seeking, desiring or relishing flattery or compliments.”
I didn’t create myself. I worked with motivation, energy, and resources given to me by God. Anything achieved is as a result of these. What exactly would I be taking credit for?
Concern with what I think of me (self-esteem); concern with what others think of me (pride); the two biggest areas of self that are affected in the third column of the resentment inventory. The two biggest wastes of time.
There is no watching. What’s left when no one is watching? Different goals; different activities.
Pride (continued)
“Arrogance. Insisting that others conform to our wishes, recognize our leadership, accept our own estimate of our worth. Being overbearing, argumentative, opinionated, obstinate.”
Just like I did not realise I was self-centered until someone said it meant that my thoughts concerned me, I did not realise how much arrogance was my single defining quality until I saw a definition, and I agreed: yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, and yes.
The insistence that others confirm to my wishes is predicated on the assumption that my wishes reflect ‘the way things ought to be’. The constant noticer racks up catalogues of disappointments, the weary resignation that the world is chaotic and dysfunctional because ‘they’ did not first ask me how things should be done. The arrogance is so overriding that, when I change my mind, I expect everyone to change their mind promptly as well, and there is no recognition I was previously wrong, that I am therefore capable of being wrong, and that I might be wrong now. I lurch from ill-founded certainty to ill-founded certainty. The index of the extent to which I wish others would conform to my wishes is the measure of botherment, whatever the complexion, be it rage, upset, or just tiredness. The tired are often full of rage. That’s why they’re tired. Concomitant with this is the desired recognition of one’s leadership: meaning, one wishes others would turn to one for counsel or direction, and the little swelling surge of contentment when others finally see sense and traipse up one’s garden path to knock dolefully on one’s front door, cap in hand, to ask for one’s input.
The acceptance of our own estimate of our worth: this is connected to the ostentation referred to in yesterday’s reading. The insistence entails a constant watching for others’ reactions to see if they’re keeping up and responding appropriately. Showing up at meetings wearing not clothes but ‘an outfit’, to make an impression, to adopt a stance, to build a personality, to have an ‘edge’, hoping there’ll be a positive comment, then diffidently brushing off such a comment whilst mentally scoring a point for oneself. In a work situation, seeing any recognition of achievement as only what’s right and good, and any reprimand as undue, because there’s always a good reason beyond my control why I failed.
Being overbearing, argumentative, opinionated, and obstinate: someone once said, ‘I don’t know what view I hold yet, but I know I hold it very strongly’. This little sequence has two thrusts: firstly the imposition of will, which is expected in certain settings and relationships of authority, subject to certain constraints, but is largely out of place, and secondly the slathering of opinions over every situation, like an overly generous gravy on top of an exiguous portion, concomitant with which is the bristling readiness for a fight should anyone have the temerity to present an opposing view.
The antidote: simply flip each item. Yielding to others’ wishes and to proper authority or the ‘group conscience’; refusing to estimate one’s own worth and holding at arm’s length others’ imagined or proffered estimate; refraining from imposing ideas, opinions, wishes, or directions except in situations where this is precisely what is called for; acknowledging facts but refraining from holding unnecessary opinions; and maximal flexibility where the mission is not compromised.
Pride (continued)
“Snobbery. Pride over race, family, position, personality, education, skill, achievements, or possessions.”
For me to be snobbish about these things, I would have to identify with these things in the first place.
Identification is not just classification but attachment. One is very occasionally asked to tick a demographic box on a form. To tick the right box, one must classify oneself. Such classification is technical, arbitrary, administrative, boring, like the number of toes on one's left foot or whether or not one has wisdom teeth. Attachment starts the moment I consider such questions beyond the necessity to tick a box. As soon as I see my personal identity as associated with one or more demographic classifications, or other categories of attributes set out above, that's where the trouble starts. With identification comes separation, competition, and alienation. There also comes pride or shame; typically pride. Snobbery is this particular form of pride. The associated shame is inverted snobbery, and becomes the famous Chip On One's Shoulder.
Such categorisations, even things that are highly personalised, e.g. where one studied or what one can do, are not my identity. The person is a welter of thousands of interlinked attributes. Gross belonging to a category is uninformative. But beyond that, the essence is undefinable and has nothing to do with these attributes. The attributes are accidents, adjacencies, appurtenances, not the thing itself. Identification is misattribution, mistaken identity.
There's a character in an Alan Bennett play who is gay and is always going on about it (something I once did). Someone else says something to the effect of, 'Oh, he does go on so. It's like making a career out of being five foot seven.'
The antidote is to hold all of these attributes at arm's length and look through them to the person, whether that is me or someone else.
Anger
“Anger is open rebellion against God or our fellow creatures. Its purpose and desire is to eliminate any obstacle to our self-seeking, to retaliate against any threat to our security, to avenge any insult or injury to our person.”
Anger is thus presented not as a natural response but an unnatural response: a rebellion, whose purpose is to overturn the order of things. Not to be indulged, encouraged, excused, or explained. The explanation is not the set of events that are the focus of the anger but the disposition of rebellion.
The purpose is three-fold: the pursuit of objectives, retaliation, and vengeance.
Anger actually does nothing to achieve the objective, however. It merely makes one feel as though one is doing something about the problem. One knows this, because, if someone suggests we should not be angry, the feeling arises, ‘But I can’t just take this lying down. I have to do something about it.’ Even if a situation requires some practical remedy, being angry is not part of that remedy, and the anger itself is merely internal.
Retaliation is merely tit-for-tat. Vengeance is the dispensing of justice. Retaliation has no purpose in itself. Vengeance might have a purpose in a society or cosmically, but the individual is not the actuator of either. Even if a comeuppance is required, society or God are the proper agents.
The ideal I have found is to proceed with equanimity. Anger is never required, although will occur. Merely being foiled will not automatically generate anger. When driving, realising a particular road is blocked off or is one-way merely results in an adjustment to the route. One routinely takes setbacks in one’s stride, without even noting the fact of the setback. The skill merely needs to be generalised.
Anger (continued)
“Resentment. Refusal to discern, accept or fulfil God’s vocation. Dissatisfaction with the talents, abilities or opportunities he has given us. Unwillingness to face up to difficulties or sacrifices. Unjustified rebellion or complaint at the circumstances of our lives. Escape from reality or the attempt to force our will upon it. Transference to God, to our parents, to society, or to other individuals of the blame for our maladjustment; hatred of God, or antisocial behaviour. Cynicism. Annoyance at the contrariness of things; profanity or grumbling.”
Resentment: the sense, etymologically, is not re-feeling but feeling in reaction to.
The resentment against God is that He has Other Plans for me. The innate, intuitive awareness of this makes me want to avoid Him and everything that has to do with Him. This extends throughout reality. Anything that gets in the way of my plans is a cause for grievance. Everything is an extension of Him as First Cause.
The refusal to discern God’s vocation: this means the refusal to ask. This can be remedied by asking. If one asks sincerely and hears nothing, one is off the hook. God’s broadcasting. If there’s no message for me right now or today, that’s fine. The only failure at this point is the failure to ask.
There’s then the question of accepting and fulfilling, in other words listening to the Voice and getting on with it. What is ‘it’? The It that is commanded by the Voice.
Dissatisfaction: a lot of self-reproach comes from failing to accept the set of cards dealt, because they’re not the right cards to play the hand I want to play. Another dose comes from the ‘if only’ state of mind: if only I had been born in such-and-such a place, such-and-such a time. The truth is that the ‘I’ as I am and the world as it is provide abundant opportunities for living well.
The unwillingness and unjustified rebellion or complaint: what is justified rebellion? Rebelling against circumstances I created or can do something about. Rebellion is quite right when I’m rebelling at my sloth or the disorder of my affairs. Otherwise: no. I’m tilting at windmills, either illusions or implacable and ultimately neutral facts. The antidote: gulp and face reality, then, having faced it, ask God to help me face it cheerfully.
Escape from reality: the chief means of which for us—if I dare speak collectively—is the use of chemicals to change the way I think or feel. It might well work, a gin and tonic did render me reasonably cheerful, but it was a cheer two stages removed from reality: I reacted to my good life with horror, because of my character defects, and the gin temporarily masked them, setting me in a condition that was a facsimile of adjustment to life.
Transference to others (or even to the nature of the universe, the laws of physics, chemistry, and biology) of the blame for our maladjustment: the truth is that the only thing that bugs me is me.
Hatred of God: oh, how the mouse rails at the Creator of the universe!
Antisocial behaviour: oh, how visible that made me!
Cynicism: the wholesale dismissal of humanity, the denial of goodness; the denial of hope.
Annoyance at the contrariness of things; profanity or grumbling. Still, that accounts for a good deal of discourse. What would be left to talk about if I refrained?
Anger (continued)
“Pugnacity. Attack upon another in anger. Murder in deed or desire. Combativeness or nursing of grudges. Injury to another by striking, cursing or insulting him; or by damaging his reputation or property. Quarrelsomeness, bickering, contradiction, nagging, rudeness, or snubbing.”
Physical violence: an obvious no-no. Verbal violence: just as much condemned but far more common in one’s surroundings and far easier to permit in oneself. Almost invariably, there is underlying annoyance. You can’t throw a javelin far without some energy built up behind it. Dissipate the energy, and it’s hard to work up an attack. Talking about absent others is different: it’s possible to elaborate quite a military operation simply by picking up on characteristics or events and elaborating on them. In this case, it’s not the emotion of anger but the disposition of contempt and superiority that permits the attack. Such hostile gossip is more like fire: once lit with the tiniest spark, it self-propagates. It does not peter out for lack of fuel but amplifies as the circle enlarges.
Combativeness: the disposition; the nursing of grudges: the performance. There’s a line in the Big Book to the effect that, the more we fought to have our own way, the worse matters got. It’s a trivial line buried in a paragraph about resentment, but the whole shooting-match, quite literally, is contained in this. This is the root of the entire problem. Having a way in principle and fighting to have it in practice. This combative disposition produces grudges, and the grudges produce the conflict with the world and everyone in it. The fact of having a way in principle means I’m automatically in combat with God for the controls of my life.
To get well, and in fact to stay sober permanently, one has to want and be willing to drop this. In practice, this means a total renunciation of ones ‘own way’, which removes the thing to fight for, which removes the possibility of fight. The result: no combativeness, no grudges, no pugnacity in any form. What also goes: the sense of entitlement, the fantasy about the different, better life if everyone else would change or bog off or if the world were designed differently, the relentless self-pity, the constant carping and cavilling, and the sextet of quarrelsomeness, bickering, contradiction, nagging, rudeness, and snubbing. In this condition, I’m cut off from God, and I’ll either jump voluntarily into a soup of chemicals to annihilate myself or find myself slipping against my will, deprived of Divine Defence.
There’s the theory of the renunciation, the idea of which can be taught in a few sessions. Then there’s the practice, which is frankly harder. One has to constantly switch from grumbling to cheerful acceptance, ironing out every single crease until there the sheet is millpond-smooth. One has to scotch fantasy, self-pity, mental criticism, affront, offence, any hint of discontentment in their inception. One has to accept the apparently unacceptable, forgive the apparently unforgiveable, tolerate the sense of being trodden upon, ill-used, cast aside, disregarded, when in fact one is being pleasant, cooperative, and constructive. One has to be willing to yield to avoid any argument whatsoever. The Big Book is clear on this: avoiding criticism and fault-finding like the plague, and being sober, considerate, and helpful, regardless of what anyone else says or does.
Anger (continued)
“Retaliation. Vengeance for wrongs real or imagined, or the plotting thereof. Harsh or excessive punishment. Hostility, sullenness or rash judgment. Refusal to forgive, or to offer or accept reconciliation. Unwillingness to love, to do good to, or to pray for enemies. Boycotting or ostracizing another for selfish reasons. Spoiling others’ pleasure by uncooperativeness or disdain, because we have not got our way, or because we feel out of sorts or superior.”
Vengeance takes many forms. I don’t fire-bomb people’s houses, but I have been known to write ‘customer complaint letters’ for no other reason than to attempt to transfer my discomfort to the reader. ‘Here, you take this!’ Essentially: avenging hurt pride.
Rash judgement: as someone once said, ‘I don’t yet know what I feel about this situation, but I already feel it very strongly.’ I am inclined to start drawing conclusions as soon as the data start trickling even, way before there is any valid basis for painting a reliable picture.
Refusal to forgive: mentally holding someone in the wilderness. This can manifest as refusing to accept an apology, an amend, or someone’s proffered restoration of cordial diplomatic relations; artificially keeping alive a hostility whose basis has been forgotten but whose validity remains unquestioned; in company, ostentatiously ignoring someone or answering them perfunctorily, dismissively, or caustically in order to publicly signal their status as persona non grata in my own Book of the Dead.
An apparently trivial but corrosive habit: leaking annoyance, releasing misery into the room like a cloud of spores, hoping it will attract attention, compromise, or contrition, or bring everyone else down to the same level.
Concept V, the expressing of the minority opinion, is sometimes used to cause trouble, to fly the rebel flag for the sake of it, even though there is no hope of converting the room, and using tears, stormings out (‘exit, pursued by a bear’) and dramatic re-entrances (to the tune of ‘Zadok the Priest’), and wearing down by sheer repetition, if not to win, to prevent the other side from having a clean victory. The brave, bitter little smile of the person who says, ‘Oh, no, don’t mind me, I’m happy to go along with what everyone else thinks,’ knowing that their unhappiness will spoil others’ enjoyment.
The antidote: recognising the futility of all revenge and most punishment (though correction and redirection can be valid if one’s role so warrants, and sometimes one’s valid response to poor or inappropriate behaviour can be viewed as a punishment, though the response does not purpose that and is valid on its own merits); cheerfulness; withholding judgement and gathering further data; forgiving even if no reconciliation is offered; taking the initiative to rebuild the bridge, even if I did not blow it up; keeping everyone within the fold, whatever they have done and regardless of my own personal preferences (Tradition I); cooperating and doing so enthusiastically.
Envy
“Envy is dissatisfaction with our place in God’s order of creation, manifested in begrudging his gifts and vocation to others.”
It is God’s order of creation, not mine. God created, and God ordered that creation. I’m here, in it, for God’s purposes, not mine. Envy presupposes Pride: the establishment of one’s own objectives, and the attempt to reorder creation, to alter it, or to exploit it to fulfil those objectives. The having of objectives is the aberration here: it is not part of the order. God willed voluntary submission to Him, and voluntary submission implies the possibility of non-submission. The ability to choose for or against God is part of the order. However, the content of any non-submission, in other words what one might choose instead, is not part of the order, part of this universe. It is a thing apart, a fabrication, a concoction, a phantasm in the mind of the fevered individual who forgot to choose reality as the best of all possible worlds. Envy is thus rooted in pride, which is rooted in the wrong choice.
Gifts and vocations are given to others and therefore also to me.
The place I am given in this order—and everything that goes with it: the raw materials, the power to work, the outcomes—is part of what is given to me, and I can take no credit for it, therefore.
The vocation is the path, its activities, and its outcomes. God-devised, not self-devised.
The job is to cheerfully submit to all that is given and, by implication, all that is not given. The gifts I have and the gifts I do not; the vocation I have and the vocation I do not.
A further reason why I need not begrudge the gifts and vocation given to others: I am given an abundancy of opportunities, an embarrassment of riches, to live a full and interesting life, and certainly there are sufficient resources for that job, even if for no other. I do not need anyone else’s gifts, and I do not need anyone else’s vocation.
Envy produces in me the wish to pull others down, to take a scythe to the field and decapitate all the high-reaching flowers, the wish to eliminate any elite simply because I cannot be part of it, the inability to enjoy others’ performance or achievement, because ‘it should have been me’, blithering about unfairness when I would be unwilling to surrender any advantages I do happen to have been given. The material world in any case is not fair in its own terms and is not meant to be fair, and to attempt to cut or stretch everyone to shape like Procrustes represents a fundamental rebellion against reality. The metaphysical is the realm of fairness, and it is there that accounts are settled, in the here and the hereafter, not in the realm of the material.
Envy (continued)
“Jealousy. Offense at the talents, success or good fortune of others. Selfish or unnecessary rivalry or competition. Pleasure at others’ difficulties or distress. Belittling others.”
Jealousy is subtly different than envy: envy merely wants; jealousy presumes usurpation: someone else has got what is due to me.
An antidote to the offence at the talents, success, or good fortune of others: What have I done with my talents? Do I waste time? Do I engage in social media or read the news when I could be doing something constructive? Do I flit from project to project or do I see things through? When I honestly look at these questions, I discover that my position has nothing to do with lacking talent or even good fortune but has far more to do with my own squandering of the resources, both personal and temporal, lavished on me.
The desire to be number one on a planet of eight or more billion people is an unwise desire to foster. Rivalry and competition set me against everyone and ruin any pleasure in the process. In business one is necessarily set up in competition against rivals, but I should concentrate simply on providing a good service and keeping my eyes to myself: I do not need to consider others’ success or lack of it.
In a Step Five, someone once said to me that such rivalry and competition are based on a fear similar to the fear there won’t be enough sunshine on the beach. Opportunity is not limited; elevated positions are, but elevated positions are not all they are cracked up to be. They do not represent greater merit or achievement, because much has to do with starting position, fortune, and the assistance of others, and they certainly do not bring happiness. Success is like travel. You transport yourself to a new place or elevate yourself to a new position and discover you have the same personality as before, disgruntled, peevish, meanspirited, and listless.
Real success is not out there but lies in the minimisation, quarantining, distancing, or elimination of defects of character and the development of the opposing virtues, and, if effort is made in this department, all else is added on top.
Envy (continued)
“Malice. Ill-will, false accusations, slander, backbiting. Reading false motives into others’ behaviour. Initiation, collection or retailing of gossip. Arousing, fostering or organizing antagonism against others. Unnecessary criticism, even when true. Deliberate annoyance of others, teasing or bullying.”
Ill-will: the quickest way to poison the soul is to envisage disaster for another or to plot to bring it about. The antidote: universal amnesty, to remove the fuel for ill-will; sending out a wave universal good-will.
False accusations and slander: give people the benefit of the doubt and gather all the facts before drawing conclusions. Better to do this than to overshoot with condemnation and have to backpedal. When I’m a nuisance to others it is usually emotion or incompetence, not deliberate mischief, and it’s the same with others. Backbiting backfires on the backbiter: one swiftly develops a reputation.
Reading false motives: I’m rarely the target of another’s deliberate campaign, but, disconcerting as such a campaign is, it is merely another example of a character defect, in this case the retaliation referred to in an earlier section. It is the person’s attempt to rid themselves of their own unhappiness by transferring it, which one knows from one’s own experience on the other side of the exchange. This requires the same forgiveness as anything else.
Reading false motives is also a fool’s errand, because it’s hard to get it right and a tremendous waste of mental energy. I’ve learned to respond to what actually presents itself rather than to what I think someone is after or trying to achieve. This forces out into the open any concealed elements of the exchange and short-circuits interactions where each response is a response to what the individual is thought to be thinking rather than what they are actually saying or doing. Such duels of non sequiturs break down swiftly and invariably result in conflict, because each person is in a dialogue not with the other person but with a fiction.
Talking about others is fine and part of how one figures out what is going on in the world. For me, such discussion tips into gossip when it is motivated by the desire to bring someone down, when it has no valid purpose, or when it is based on unreasonable or flimsy speculation or hearsay. If I am seeking to understand a situation and on that basis to act right, it’s valid provided it is neutral and temperate. As soon as there is enjoyment at the belittling of others, there is a problem.
Regarding unnecessary criticism: all persons and systems are full of flaws. If one stops like a dog to bark at every failing, one never ‘gets to the park’. The relentless improver is an Al-Anon character I can inhabit. If it is one’s given remit to criticise, for instance at work, and the criticism might result in improvement, then I proceed. Otherwise, I have to switch off the ‘noticer’ or detach it from the transmission, so it does not turn the wheels of the vehicle.
Envy (continued)
“Contempt. Scorn of another’s virtue, ability, shortcomings, or failings. Prejudice against those we consider inferior, or who consider us inferior, or who seem to threaten our security or position. Ridicule of persons, institutions or ideals.”
Scorn, prejudice, and ridicule separate me from everyone else, leaving me in a category of one. ‘Down with everything!’ can be my motto. One can do this with one’s own family, AA group, community, society, or country: whatever it is doing is wrong; it is wrong by virtue of being what it is. My job is to remain ‘part of’ and, if appropriate, work constructively towards the improvement of the ‘we’ and ‘us’.
Note that scorn does not mind whether it attacks virtues, abilities, shortcomings, or failings. All are grist to the same mill. The underlying conceit is this: ‘I’m fine: it’s everyone else who has the problem.’ The real fuel for scorn is therefore not its subject matter but the desire to set oneself above and apart from others, who are seen as nauseating. The antidote is to turn my attention to my own nauseating defects and work towards their acceptance and elimination.
Downward scorn, from a position of power, is so obviously contemptible that one will instinctively suppress it, if for no better reason than one’s reputation. Upward scorn, from the position of the less powerful, the less privileged, the aggrieved, extending beyond legitimate grievance to a generalised moral opprobrium and delegitimisation, is no more licensed morally than downward scorn. I have to be careful of using genuine ills to build a cover for wholesale condemnation. Being wronged does not relieve me of the moral obligation to be fair.
This is not to say that one should adopt a Pollyannaish approval of everything, see God’s hand working surely in all things, or condescendingly bless all horrors with a little sigh of easy acceptance. God may indeed be working mysteriously, but it’s no good spiritually bypassing the actual reality before one and claiming that someone’s disease or death is obviously for the best. The same goes for human shortcomings and failings, which are just as real as virtues and abilities. The comic and the satirical, the pricking of balloons of conceit, the acribic analysis of an opponent’s position, and the deconstruction of monstrous follies are legitimate moves in the right context, providing perspective, counterbalance, and discourse, but I have to be careful of adopting a general approach of relentless ridicule, like a three hundred and sixty-degree flamethrower with a Chuck Lorre laugh track. There are obviously generalised human or societal failings, but the defect here universalises these failings into a universal dismissal, overlooking all good and all hope.
Covetousness (traditionally greed)
“Covetousness is the refusal to respect the integrity of other creatures, expressed in the inordinate accumulation of material things; in the use of other persons for our personal advantage; or in the quest for status, power or security at their expense.”
Everything in the material world is limited. My principle should be: take what I need and only what I need. When I’m profligate, I feel guilty. When I’m modest in consumption and avoid waste, I feel right-sized.
George Carlin says that trying to achieve happiness by acquiring material things is like trying to satisfy hunger by taping sandwiches to your legs.
Alice Thomas Ellis says that things of value are death to peace of mind.
The less I own, the freer I am.
Covetousness (traditionally greed) (continued)
“Inordinate ambition. Pursuit of status, power, influence, reputation, or possessions at the expense of the moral law, of other obligations, or of the rights of others. Ruthless or unfair competition. Putting our self or our family first. Conformity to standards we recognize as wrong or inadequate in order to get ahead. Intrigue or conspiracy for self-advancement.”
What is inordinate ambition? Everything set out in the list above—everything beyond the fulfilment of the vocation given to me by God, which concerns itself with action, not results.
Status, power, influence, reputation, and possessions are by-products of diligence, not the purpose of diligence.
They do not in themselves bring any happiness: actually, they bring headaches, greater responsibilities, heavier obligations. One should be careful what one wishes for. They often confound the very vocation given to the individual: a spurious substitute for real success.
Someone said to me once, ‘Work is important, but people are more important.’ Someone else: ‘There are greater challenges in life than work.’
Most people I know with the quintet beginning with ‘status’ are tired, stressed, and unhappy, and decompensation usually sets in somewhere from the late forties onwards: the system can no longer foot the bill, and sub-systems start to falter or fail.
Rather than putting myself first, my job is to put the common good first, which means seeing, first of all, what I can contribute within AA and Al-Anon, in whatever form I can be most useful.
An example of conformity to standards we recognise as wrong: cutting corners to earn more money; the antidote: to do everything to the best of one’s ability, even if one is slower, can take on less work, and thereby suffers financially. C. S. Lewis counsels being a good craftsman in the place of trying to get into the Inner Ring of Movers and Shakers. A friend of mine went to a tearoom in Japan and asked for a cup of tea. The man took five minutes to make it. Her irritation melted when she realised he had decided to do his job properly.
A quotation: “At a time when people were generally decrying the Japanese bombardment of Shanghai, I met Karl Kraus struggling over one of his famous comma problems. He said something like: ‘I know that everything is futile when the house is burning. But I have to do this, as long as it is at all possible; for if those who were supposed to look after commas had always made sure they were in the right place, Shanghai would not be burning’.”
In the place of ambition: being highly selective in what I choose to take on, being slow, diligent, and measured. Do it right. Let the cards fall where they may.
Covetousness (traditionally greed) (continued)
“Domination. Seeking to use or possess others. Over protection of children; refusal to correct or punish lest we lose their affection; insistence that they conform to our ideal for them contrary to their own vocation. Imposing our will on others by force, guile, whining, or refusal to cooperate. Over-readiness to advise or command; abuse of authority. Patronizing, pauperizing, putting others under a debt of gratitude, or considering ourselves ill-used when others’ affection or compliance is not for sale. Respect of persons, favouritism, partiality, flattery, fawning, or bribery to win support or affection. Refusal to uphold the truth to fulfil duties, to perform good acts, or to defend those wrongfully attacked, because we fear criticism or ridicule, or because we seek to gain the favour or approval of others. Leading, tempting or encouraging another to sin.”
There are roles of legitimate authority, sometimes absolute. There are roles of an advisory or suggestive nature. In most cases, a cooperative approach is required: ideas are proposed and discussed, and action is taken on the basis of consensus.
Domination occurs where authority is being overstepped.
The principle of over-protection of children applies also in sponsorship: excessive instruction, the cultivation of reliance and loyalty, the making of decisions on behalf of sponsees, thinking things through for them, essentially adopting a parental role, as if the person were a child or an imbecile. This creates a relationship of dependence as dangerous for the sponsor as for the sponsee and prevents the sponsee from ever actually learning anything and growing up.
Refusal to correct or punish: this happens also in sponsorship; one avoids saying what needs to be said because one does not want the sponsee’s disapproval, or because one wants to retain them as a sponsee or to cultivate their company.
Insistence that they conform to our ideal for them: in sponsorship, one offers and suggests, but it is ultimately down to the individual to decide. If they decide on a different path, one might voice reservations or fallacies in the reasoning, but the decision is still theirs, not the sponsor’s. This can mean the end of the sponsorship, but that is not a punishment or a manipulative trick, merely an entailment of the sponsor no longer having what the sponsee wants, the sponsee having chosen a different approach or path.
Imposing our will: in the home or at work, I can suggest, and if someone enquires I can explain, but that’s the limit. If someone does not buy the idea straight away, it’s usually dead in the water. Extended explanations and the expression of emotion are usually signs I am attempting to impose my will.
Placing others under a debt of gratitude: in sponsorship, it is usually ill-advised to offer sponsees hospitality or accommodation, pay for dinner or even coffee, or play the host in any form. Almost invariably, this produces a sense of entitlement on the part of the sponsor to the continued loyalty of the sponsee: the sponsee, however, should feel absolutely free to go at any point, without fearing that the sponsor will chide, recriminate, or become terse or frosty. We are not in gangs or cliques, and, if someone leaves a group or leaves a sponsorship, they should be shown the same courtesy and cordiality as before: often, the removal of the sponsorship actually permits a greater degree of cordiality and opens the door to friendship, which is not available within sponsorship.
The paragraph also sets out the general principle of doing the right thing come what may, regardless of social or personal consequences.
Covetousness (traditionally greed) (continued)
“Avarice. Inordinate pursuit of wealth or material things. Theft, dishonesty, misrepresentation, or sharing in stolen goods. Cheating in business, taxes, school or games. Making worldly success the goal of our life or the standard for judging others.”
The ordinate pursuit of wealth or material things is providing for oneself, one’s family, and one’s dependents, leaving something over over for community and society.
This is required in order to establish a basis for doing God’s will. Self-pauperisation is not a virtue, because it hobbles action and often renders the person practically practically useless. Few of us can be like St Francis of Assisi, but even he, in a documentary I recently heard about him, saw poverty as the stripping of the unnecessary and detachment even from the necessary, not ‘going without’ per se, but even he, in a documentary I recently heard about him, saw poverty as the stripping of the unnecessary and detachment even from the necessary, not ‘going without’ per se.
On materialism: wealth beyond sufficient resources to underpin an effective, efficient, and harmonious life simply does not do what is promised: it does not render happy; it does not eliminate fear, even fear of financial insecurity.
Absolute honesty in financial matters I have found to produce considerable serenity. If there is nothing to hide, there is no fear of being found out.
I just pay my taxes and do not employ schemes. I claim only what I must claim and pay on time.
Re worldly success: I have found real success to be measured in cordial relations with others and playing an effective, efficient, and harmonious role in my home, occupation and affairs. Money, power, property, prestige, and influence are measures only of elevation, not success, and elevation merely produces a bigger bump when the fall comes.
Covetousness (traditionally greed) (continued)
“Prodigality. Waste of natural resources or personal possessions. Extravagance or living beyond our income, to impress others or to maintain status. Failure to pay debts. Gambling more than we can afford to lose, or to win unearned profits. Unnecessary borrowing or carelessness with others’ money. Expenditure on self of what is needed for the welfare of others.”
Virtues: to buy no more than I need; to eat no more than I need; to wear clothes until they are no longer fit to be worn; to grow where I am planted; to make only necessary changes; to read the books I have before buying new ones; to stick with the friends I have; to take up only the necessary space.
An idea: finite resources should be used only for infinite ends—only infinite resources should be used for finite ends.
With moral questions, the starting point is inventory: What is in stock? With material and financial matters, likewise. Recording each penny spent, categorising it, and reviewing the expenditure monthly, six-monthly, and annually reveals the true value of what is gained from what I am spending. Ninety per cent of the change that takes place thus does so merely through awareness. Activities, areas of spending, extravagance fall away like dead leaves when one sees their futility and frivolity. Anthony de Mello says: ‘awareness, awareness, awareness’. Awareness of but without preoccupation with where each penny is going: the spending proverbially takes care of itself.
Borrowing: the last resort. Lending: better to give and forget about it.
Self-dependence financially resolves the difficulty of carelessness with others’ money.
A set pattern of charitable giving that takes place before disposable income is accessed resolves the difficulty of excessive expenditure on self.
Fear of financial insecurity is relieved by relying on God, not by having money, but reliance on God usually results in living a life where one is paying one’s own way, earns more than one spends, builds up savings and other provision for the future, and maintains operating capital to withstand fluctuations and a prudent reserve to carry one through major reversals of fortune, twists of fate, or substantial deliberate changes in occupation or other structural aspects of one’s life. But fate might well twist in such a way that the structures are shattered and God provides for me in some other way. The job is to accept this as a potential in advance, to know that God resides in all things, whatever their appearance, and my notions of God’s will for the world might not correspond to His.
Covetousness (traditionally greed) (continued)
“Penuriousness. Undue protection of wealth or security. Selfish insistence on vested interests or on claimed rights. Refusal to support or help those who have a claim on us. Sponging on others. Stinginess. Failure to give due proportion of our income to Church and charity, or of our time and energy to good works. Failure to pay pledges promised to the Church or charities, when able to do so.”
Financial precautions are wise—monitoring and controlling spending, organising one’s life to earn to sufficient to cover one’s expenses and provide buffers, managing savings and investments—but preoccupation mires one in the material and fosters a reliance on wealth and financial security in the place of a reliance on God. An acquaintance of mine said, ‘I want just enough money that I do not have to rely on God.’ The irony is that no amount of income or assets is sufficient to eliminate the fear of financial insecurity, because financial insecurity is baked into civilisation. Even those without a knowledge of history will be aware intuitively of this. Quite simply, materialism does not work as an antidote to fear.
Such materialism has the greater consequence, however, that it will divert mental energy and time to the procurement and protection of money and other assets and away from more valuable activities, namely the carrying of the message and the fulfilment of other, non-financial, non-work obligations.
Thirdly, it will stymie proper generosity and support for individuals in one’s acquaintance and causes in society.
“Selfish insistence on vested interests or on claimed rights.” This is a rarer phenomenon but can be seen in squeezing everything one can out of entitlements, milking every last drop from an expense account, insisting one be heard and listened to simply because one has the right to be, regardless of whether one has anything valuable to contribute, and other standing of one’s ground to no good purpose.
Supporting others has to be tempered by the awareness that depriving others of the opportunity to support themselves does not help them in the long term, and such support can also distort the relationship and ultimately foster entitlement, resentment, and bitterness.
Sponging: asking others to do for me what I should be doing for myself.
Stinginess: not doing for others what they cannot do for themselves but I can do; fulfilling obligations minimally rather than amply.
The two resources for giving: time and money. Being in recovery and doing what is suggested will usually ensure one fulfils the former responsibility amply. I’ve attempted to give time to other causes. In every case I’ve gnawingly realised that my time is actually better spent in recovery. That’s where I can do the most good, it seems.
Gluttony
“Gluttony is the overindulgence of natural appetites for food and drink, and by extension the inordinate quest for pleasure or comfort.
Intemperance. Overindulgence in food, drink, smoking, or other physical pleasures. Fastidiousness, fussiness, demanding excessively high standards, or dilettantism. Condemnation of some material things or pleasures as evil in themselves, attempting to prohibit their use rather than their abuse.”
It is a relief to see from this that there is no problem per se with pleasure or comfort. The problem lies in excess. In ‘Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions’, defects are presented as good things taken to excess. In this extended list of defects, it is clear that some defects consist in excess whilst others are wholly bad—failures to practice virtues or outright evils. Malice is not a good thing taken to an extreme. Vanity is not a good thing taken to an extreme. The virtue is not a tempering of the faculty but the elimination of the flaw. A perfect lack of pride will always be better than a small quantity of pride.
Here, overindulgence is a flaw, but so is unnecessary abstinence. Of course, in the case of addiction, there may be legitimate pleasures that are barred for the individual because control is simply impossible, so abstinence is the lesser evil compared to unbridled excess.
There is something that people call perfectionism but is actually fear of failure resulting in avoidance of the activity in case the result is not perfect or being unable to organise a project and, without any strategy, fiddling with details rather than proceeding in a systematic fashion with the proper exercise of discretion concerning what does and what does not require attention.
Then there is actual perfectionism, which is excellence taken to a fault. That is where I spend so much time on project A that activities B, C, and D never get done, usually because I’ve invested identity or worth in achieving a particular outcome. The flaw is aggravated where the outcome is a trivial one, for instance a clean cooker.
The last section covers priggishness and asceticism as stances. Of course, if one eschews physical things because they are not to one’s taste, that is fine, but what one must avoid is the comfortable feeling of superiority because one has ‘risen above such things’. Pride usually precedes an embarrassing fall in this respect.
Gluttony (continued)
“Lack of Discipline. Negligence in keeping the days of fasting or abstinence, or failure to use other needed means of self-discipline. Neglect of bodily health—not getting sufficient rest, recreation, exercise, or wholesome nourishment. Failure to use or to cooperate with available medical care when ill. Use of sickness as a means of escape from responsibilities.”
‘Failure to use other needed means of self-discipline’. Of course, I need God to stay sober. But God then delegates to me the task of getting on with the programme, getting on with the day, and doing so whatever I think and whatever I feel, whatever the temptations, whatever the mood, whatever internal assaults are taking place, in other words ‘staying sober no matter what’. This requires considerable self-discipline. Self-discipline without God does not work, but God without self-discipline does not work either. This is a collaborative deal.
‘Not getting enough rest’. It was once suggested that, if I need an alarm to wake up and get up on time, I am not going to bed early enough. I’ve also learned to nap whenever necessary, even though others find it odd or think me lazy. Hard luck: if I need to sleep, I need to sleep, and that’s the end of it. I used to think I was a night owl. I wasn’t. I was unhappy and thought at some level that, if I went to bed earlier, that would represent an admission that I had somehow failed to find the holy grail of happiness that day and was giving up on myself. I wanted to stay up as long a possible in case I was missing something or could access a happiness not available earlier. I never did, and I was perpetually tired, disorganised, and late. Since I’m essentially happy now, there’s nothing to stay up late for. My days are full, so I’m done by nine.
‘Exercise’. A good treatment for ADHD symptoms, depression, and anxiety, I’ve found. Watch mammals. Running around continually (although not continuously). I’ve discovered I am also a mammal and function best when I do what mammals do. Turns out lots of my psychological problems were physical problems.
‘Wholesome nourishment’. This costs time and organisation. One has to learn about this, and acquire the ability to cook, which anyone can do. I was told: my mind uses my brain, and my brain is part of my body. I can’t expect my mind to function well unless I give it the right nutrition at the right time in the right quantities. It’s not a great mystery: eat small, regular meals, mostly vegetables and fruit. When I eat well I feel well, including psychologically.
‘Failure to cooperate …’. It’s a common Al-Anon defect: not taking care of one’s own health because there are Unsolved Problems Out There, and ‘Who has the time, anyway?’ It’s a common alcoholic defect: thinking the body can be ridden roughshod over. I thought I did not need to do the stretching and mobility exercises other sportspersons would do until I started to get injured and discovered I was human as well. What an embarrassing discovery that was!
‘Use of sickness …’. In my twenties, I was ill so often. Mysterious ailments, constant infections, incapacitations. None of it my fault, just physical illness. When my spirit says ‘no’ but I say ‘yes’, the spirit pulls rank using the body.
Lust
“Lust is the misuse of sex for personal gratification, debasing it from the holy purpose for which God has given it to us.
Unchastity. Violation of the Church’s marriage laws. Lack of consideration for one’s partner in the use of the marital relationship. Refusal to fulfil the purpose of Holy Matrimony in the bringing forth and giving adequate care to children, or to take our full share in the responsibilities or work involved. Unfaithfulness to one’s spouse. Sexual indulgence outside matrimony, in thought or act, alone or with others.
Immodesty. Stimulation of sexual desire in others by word, dress or actions; or in oneself by reading, pictures, or fantasies. Collecting or recounting dirty stories.
Prudery. Fear of sex or condemnation of it as evil in itself. Refusal to seek adequate sexual instruction or the attempt to prevent others from obtaining it. Stimulation of excessive and harmful curiosity by undue secrecy. Repression of sex.”
This is obviously a matter on which people’s views diverge widely, and the Big Book is helpful in suggesting one follow one’s own guidance from God. The above catalogue will be more useful to some than others.
Because this is a highly controversial topic, I will just make a few points of a general nature.
It has taken me a long time (decades) to come to a fairly settled position for myself on this matter. The key has been to listen to my own conscience rather than having a system stipulated. When I obey that, I’m fine. When I get into bad habits, I’m not. The habits are hard to break and tend to escalate, so best not to get into questionable areas at all, I’ve found. This is like those shortcut paths across lawns. You cross a couple of times, no problem, you’ve got away with it; you cross a few times, and you discover you’ve created a new path.
By going to God, I’m not letting myself off the hook: God’s instructions for me might be considerably more severe than the ‘norm’ of the ‘permissive society’, though others might legitimately receive quite different guidance for them. This is why, under the system of being guided by God, no code can be stipulated for others.
Lust (continued)
“Cruelty. Deliberate infliction of pain, mental or physical. Tormenting of animals.”
It is initially curious that ‘cruelty’ comes under the heading of ‘lust’, but the classification becomes obvious when you think about it: this is the indulgence of a physical pleasure.
This might seem a remote or uncommon defect, until one considers the pleasure that can be derived from watching horror, gore, or pseudo-medieval drama with all its attendant bloodletting. More mildly, an awful lot of drama—fictional and otherwise—involves identification with the causer or experience of cruelty or suffering; there’s a perhaps questionable enjoyment to be had with both.
Sloth
“Sloth is the refusal to respond to our opportunities for growth, service or sacrifice.
Laziness. Indolence in performing spiritual, mental or physical duties, or neglect of family, business or social obligations or courtesies. Procrastination of disliked tasks. Busyness or triviality to avoid more important commitments. Devotion of excessive time to rest, recreation, amusement, television, light reading or the like. Waste of employer’s time, or shoddy or inadequate work.”
What works for me:
Have a system to take care of duties in a timely manner and properly; stick to the system; waive the right to deviate from the system except in emergencies, and even then get back up to speed as soon as possible.
If I have step work or similar to do, go to bed earlier and get up earlier, and do it then. If the work has to be split across several days, I then spend all day having done my daily dose rather than waiting all to do it. No burden, then.
If something is important, schedule it in the earliest part of the day, or it won’t get done.
If something one-off is nasty, do it now, then move swiftly onto the next thing and don’t look back.
Quarantine regular nasty activities in times deliberately set aside and refuse to think about them at other times.
Sometimes, conversely, the right thing to do is to get all the trivia out of the way to leave the one, big, challenging project, as long as trivia are not artificially found in order to delay the project indefinitely. A friend of mine spent most of a revision period redrafting his revision timetable and never actually did the revision.
A good way of dividing up the day: firstly, all the activities required to keep the show on the road; next, obligations; then fun. It helps to set a cut-off time for obligations so I not only free myself but view myself as free not skiving. One can drown in obligations and never find time for other things unless one deliberately reserves genuinely free time.
‘Light reading or the like’. For me, a lot of media and social media come under this heading. Particularly in the latter case, addiction is part of the design. I can’t control my use consistently, so, when I’m in my right mind, I abstain. One knows this to be the case when one asks, after spending some time on social media, ‘Did I deliberately allocate that time?’ The answer is almost invariably no. That means something else is making the decisions, and that’s the definition of an addiction. There are definitely more evolved people who are not susceptible to the wiles of the algorithm, but I’m not one of them.
Work: when I work diligently, asking questions and for help where necessary, admitting wrongs promptly, and admitting when I am out of my depth, no one has anything on me.
Sloth (continued)
“Indifference. Unconcern over injustice to others, especially that caused by currently accepted social standards; or unmindfulness of the suffering of the world. Failure to become adequately informed on both sides of contemporary issues or on the Christian principles involved. Neglect of duties to state or community. Failure to provide adequately for, or to treat justly those in our employ.”
As with a couple of other areas, this description is narrow in part, with its specifically Christian references, but the ideas can be applied by analogy.
In other words, I should be concerned about injustice, whether it’s injustice that is noted or injustice that is ignored in modern society. There is the question of what exactly constitutes injustice. I used to feel the world was unjust simply because I was not handed good outcomes on a plate and I was entitled to reward without sacrifice and rights without responsibilities; I can see now that a lot of the ‘injustices’ I suffered were the desserts I had ordered through my own behaviour. My personal views of justice have changed. This is apparently a matter on which reasonable people of good will disagree. Nonetheless, the passage suggests I play my part in the pursuit of justice in the world, with the question of how I construe justice to be subject to Divine guidance.
The Twelve Concepts are useful in guiding the question of how to be involved in the world. In the fellowship, there are various levels of involvement, as individuals, group members, GSRs, Conference Delegates, Trustees, employees, consultants, and members of other committees, and these each mirror potential roles in the world. I might be the operative, or I might be the initiator and delegator of a pursuit; I might become active in some area or I might give money to a charity, think tank, or other organisation. My job is to be involved but in the way that God instructs me, and there’s more than one way to crack a nut.
The next job is to understand what is going on in the world and to view it through a moral and spiritual lens and not merely by applying conventional standards. There are then the duties to community, society, and beyond. As with the particular question of justice referred to above, one can act or delegate. As indicated in an earlier entry, I find myself repeatedly pointed back in the direction of AA / Al-Anon, where I’m most useful, limited as even that usefulness is, and surplus funds rather than time go to discharge societal duties.
Sloth (continued)
“Ignoring of needy, lonely or unpopular persons in our own or the parish family, or in the neighbourhood; or unwillingness to minister to them. Insufficient attention to the religious and other needs of our family. Failure to fulfil our obligation of Christian missionary witness, or to take a full and informed part in the effort to make the Church’s unity and holiness a manifest reality on earth.”
‘Ignoring of needy, lonely or unpopular persons’: of course, one might fall into that category oneself. Fellowship after the meeting should ideally be the great leveller, where one is happy to sit with whoever sits down next to one and make the most of it, dealing out attention and interest equally in all directions. That’s the ideal: as with any ideal, one falls short but resolves to improve.
‘Unwillingness to minister’. In AA, this means everyone who wants sponsorship should get it, and that means someone has to do it. A case can be turned down because one is simply not best equipped, but not merely because the prospect is alarming or disagreeable; if not me, then who? I was certainly, as the French say, ‘infréquentable’ (an unsavoury prospect) when I was new, but people bit the bullet with me.
‘Failure to fulfil our obligation of Christian missionary witness’: in AA, coyness about acknowledging the role God has played or trying to take the credit by focusing on all the actions I took rather than how I was brought by God through the programme.
‘… or to take a full and informed part in the effort to make the Church’s unity and holiness a manifest reality on earth’: in AA, a failure to do one’s bit for AA as a whole beyond the group. This can take many forms and take different forms at different times. One can go to the other extreme and become a service junkie without much personal recovery, thus avoiding facing personal difficulties, but that’s a rarer flaw.
That brings us to the end of the exercise.