“Few of us are entirely free from a sense of guilt. We may be remorseful because of our words or actions or for things left undone. We may even feel guilty because of irrational or false accusations by the alcoholic.” (ODAT, 17 July)
Or there is the seer in the shadows who comments negatively, the general sense that one will have got it wrong, brought the whole edifice down on one’s own head, and it will have been one’s own damn fault, either systematic error or incompetence, or—worse—a trivial oversight occurring at precisely the wrong moment, the points on the railway line that send the train hurtling off towards a chasm instead of its destination, like the twist of fate in a de Maupassant story.
It’s a relief to know that there really is no one watching. No one is interested. No one cares, at least not in the sense of judgement. Those who do judge are doing so with a woefully sparse appreciation of the facts and for their own purposes; such judgements reveal nothing about reality.
One isn’t on stage. This isn’t a show. And the accountability is a different sort of accountability.
There’s the accountability of nature: this will always deal out to me what I invite. It’s a blind mechanism that renders my attack thoughts with feelings of being under attack, and thoughts of peace with a feeling of peace.
Then there’s the accountability before God, where I’m measured not by whether I got things right or wrong per se but whether I was seeking harmony with the Grand Plan or was pursuing designs of my own. The judgement can only be positive. It is as though, if I absent myself from God, I’ve simply placed myself outside the palace, and outside the courtroom. If I disobey, I’m merely left to it.
As soon as I return to God, I imagine God is pleased to see me, and what matters is that that is where I am now.
Once the behaviour has been tidied up and the amends have been made—and only then—can one really see this underlying, pervasive sense of guilt is really about: an inherent feature of the ego, a flavour.
How does one get rid of it? Recognising it as an insubstantial lie will not eliminate it but will deactivate it.
There is no audience. The show is already over. I can get on with living.