“Despite all we can say, many who are real alcoholics are not going to believe they are in that class. By every form of self-deception and experimentation, they will try to prove themselves exceptions to the rule, therefore nonalcoholic. If anyone who is showing inability to control his drinking can do the right- about-face and drink like a gentleman, our hats are off to him. Heaven knows, we have tried hard enough and long enough to drink like other people!” (Page 31, Big Book)
I thought I was drinking on purpose, so, when I suffered ill effects, I naturally though I could solve the problem by making ‘ACME’ adjustments: abstinence, containment, moderation, elimination. I thought I could abstain. Or contain my drinking to certain times and places so that it would not affect other areas of my life. Or moderate the quantity to avoid the worst of the effects. Or eliminate the problem drinking by sorting out the other problems in my life, which I thought were the cause of the problem drinking.
If you have a pot boiling over, you turn down the heat. Nothing could be more natural. But I did not have access to the knob to turn down the heat, because I did not have access to the cooker at all. This was the delusion. I was not drinking on purpose. I was acting under compulsion, deluded by the parasite alcoholism into thinking I was acting under my own free will.
The delusion of agency is there for alcoholism to protect itself. If you realised there was a parasite stuck to your arm telling you to harm yourself, you would get the parasite off. If you could not see the parasite but were mesmerised into thinking you really wanted to harm yourself, you would harm yourself until you died and never realise you had a problem.
AA smashed through the delusion, and it was only then I was willing to go to any lengths to get well.