“Not many people can truthfully assert that they love everybody. Most of us must admit that we have loved but a few; that we have been quite indifferent to the many so long as none of them gave us trouble; and as for the remainder—well, we have really disliked or hated them. Although these attitudes are common enough, we A.A.’s find we need something much better in order to keep our balance. We can’t stand it if we hate deeply. The idea that we can be possessively loving of a few, can ignore the many, and can continue to fear or hate anybody, has to be abandoned, if only a little at a time.” (Page 92, Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions)
When I don’t like someone, I’m usually committing a category error. The fact is I do not like something about them, or I do not like something they have said or done. I’ve then generalised this to the person.
If I express this dislike, it seems like I’m saying something about them. I’m really saying more about myself, namely that I have notions of how they should be, and that I think they’re a rotter for breaching my rules.
To like people can be the inverse of this: I like something about them, or I like something they have said or done. I’ve then generalised this to the person.
If I express this like, as with dislike, I’m really saying more about me than them: I have notions of how they should be, and I think they’re jolly good for complying with my rules.
That’s only one type of liking—a selfish liking that really takes no account of the other person except in as far as they reflect my values or wishes.
There’s a different type of liking, however. To understand this, dogs and cats are a good example. One likes them before they have exhibited any characteristics or done anything useful, interesting, or admirable. One likes them from fifty feet away. The liking is instinctive and represents an apprehension of the whole creature, not of some part of the creature, and not of how it relates to me. Its usefulness or lack of to me is irrelevant in this assessment.
This is the approach that I think the programme is asking me to take to others: to appreciate them simply as they are, as a whole, rather than looking at parts or rating their relation to me.