“It did not satisfy us to be told that we could not control our drinking just because we were maladjusted to life, that we were in full flight from reality, or were outright mental defectives.” (The Doctor’s Opinion)
Since I was not compelled by another person to drink, my excessive drinking must be attributable to something internal.
What could that be?
Not unhappiness or happiness: individual drinking episodes often went wrong, and it caused considerable unhappiness the next day, and over time gradually reduced the baseline happiness in my life, leaving me at a level of almost constant desperation. The idea I was drinking (and drinking too much) because I was running from unhappiness or running towards happiness was simply untrue, unless I was insane in the sense of not being able to appreciate these facts. I could appreciate these facts all too well. So unhappiness and happiness are ruled out as causal.
What about insanity? I was not generally insane. But what about momentary insanity? That would be plausible were it not for those many occasions towards the end when I saw clearly the horror of what I was doing but was quite powerless to stop the process; I had the sense I was on a merry-go-round doing so fast I could not get off. I was drinking, and drinking too much, wishing I were not drinking, and wishing I were not drinking too much, and perfectly clear about what was going on. Even as I was heading off for a drink, I had an awful dread. I had no illusions. Insanity is not causal.
[Why does the book talk about insanity? I think because alcoholic drinking runs utterly counter to reason, because it is so harmful, not because insanity per se is causing it. It’s an informal description of the state of affairs, not a clinical description of the condition that activates the drinking.]
What about stupidity? This is ruled out for the same reason as insanity. I was neither stupid generally, nor did I stupidly believe that drink was some sort of saviour or boon, although I had thought that in the early days. So stupidity is ruled out, too.
What about masochism or having a death wish? Possible in some cases, but not in mine. Both traits were present but were not dominant enough to be the overall guiding forces. I deeply regretted the harm I was doing myself and did not want to die, at least not in that way, drunk, sprawled on the floor, drooling.
There’s only one other possible explanation: senseless compulsion, which is the core of powerlessness.
Looking at the system from the outside, it looks insane, but the cause is compulsion.
I am powerless > I cannot manage my life [= make rational decisions and put them into action consistently] > my life is unmanageable.