“If the owner of the business is to be successful, he cannot fool himself about values.” (Page 64, Big Book)
“At the moment we are trying to put our lives in order.” (Page 77, Big Book)
In AA, people say that judgement and control are necessarily bad.
The book itself, however, suggests that we have values, which entails judgement, and order, which entails control.
Judgement is required. If you do not judge between someone with a good command of the programme and a bad command of the programme, you cannot judge who to ask to be your sponsor. If you do not judge right from wrong, you cannot write inventory in Steps Four and Eight and you cannot contribute constructively to group conscience discussions on what the group should do and how.
Control is required. One controls one’s bladder. One controls one’s temper. One controls one’s finances. One controls who can and cannot come into one’s house. One controls a thousand things. To go further: one controls the action of subordinates, students, children, and others under one’s care. One does not control them exclusively: agency is allowed to the degree appropriate. But it is nonsense to say it is somehow morally virtuous to let our lives descend into chaos or to permit anyone in our orbit to do whatever they want under all circumstances.
In other words: we need values, which entails judgement; and we need order, which entails control.
The question is not whether to judge and control and how.
Clearly we must judge and control ourselves, where this is constructive and reasoned.
Judgement and control does not stop there. Judgement and control of others is required, where this is constructive and reasoned.
The problem arises which I judge shrilly, without good purpose, in an unreasoning way, when I control unkindly, without good purpose, or in an unreasoning way.
These are the defects to watch out for and eliminate. The question, in all cases, is where the boundary lies.
Defects and virtues lie on opposite ends of scales, and the question is not what is a defect and what is a virtue but where the line between the two falls, generally and in each specific case.
Unconditional kindness spoils. Unconditional love condones. Both kindness and love need to be tempered with sanity and with numerous other virtues.