“Consciously we think we want help, but some dark and hidden sense of guilt makes us crave punishment more than we want relief from our ills.” (ODAT, 5 April)
The programme offers me a coherent and complete set of attitudes to adopt and actions to take, initially to sort out my life and then to keep it on track, all in order for God’s aims to be met.
In early recovery, as part of the indoctrination process, I was offered new ways of looking at things and new things to do, and, for a while, I was reluctant to adopt the suggested attitudes or take the suggested actions. Why?
In truth, on one level, it was more enjoyable being miserable and the centre of attention than forgetting myself and getting on with things, dissolving into the background as yet another ordinary person. I was more frightened of becoming no one than of being someone but with the attendant suffering. I was more frightened of the ordinary troubles of life than of the dramatic troubles of the soul.