“‘The mouth of the just bringeth forth wisdom; the lips of the righteous know what is acceptable.’ Proverbs” (One Day At A Time In Al-Anon, February 22)
It is sometimes said we should not accept unacceptable behaviour.
This is a notoriously difficult injunction to follow and is often used as a blank cheque to start ordering other people around or neglecting one’s responsibilities.
Part of the problem is linguistic:
If something is unacceptable, then, strictly speaking, accepting is not an option, so the question of accepting or not accepting it does not arise.
This is the problem with wisdom couched in deliberately obfuscatory language. It’s witty but it’s not helpful.
Of course, what this clever little apophthegm is doing is playing on the common linguistic root of two quite different concepts: acceptable = compliant with norms, and accept = endure.
What are the meanings of ‘accept’ in general?
It can mean cognitive acknowledgement. “I accept that Marjorie has left me,” for instance, means I have no denial about the fact that she has left me; I am not pretending.
This form of acceptance should be adopted immediately, whatever the situation.
It can mean becoming emotionally reconciled to something. “I accept that Marjorie has left me,” here, means I am at peace with the matter.
This form of acceptance is also desirable, though may take a minute.
It can mean not attempting to control, regulate, or influence something. “I accept that Marjorie has left me,” here, means I have stopped trying to win her back.
Should one control, regulate, or influence something? It really depends. Mostly no, but there are situations (negotiations, situations with shared or sole authority, situations where I have a share or a part to play) where one’s job really is to control, regulate, or influence something.
However, going back to the original injunction, this idea is really about how to response to jerks.
Can you change them, regulate, or influence them? No, by and large.
But you can leave them to it.
The real difficulty, though, is judging what is ‘unacceptable’ in the sense of licensing my departure, my resignation, my distancing.
I make sure my decisions are based on pragmatic factors only. That means my emotions have to come in line first. Only once I can face the behaviour with equanimity can I know that my decision to withdraw is genuinely pragmatic and not an attempt to avoid facing my own intolerance or an attempt to punish.