“We find the more one member of the family demands that the others concede to him, the more resentful they become. This makes for discord and unhappiness.” (Page 122)
“We women carry with us a picture of the ideal man, the sort of chap we would like our husbands to be.” (Page 118)
I am in a long-term relationship (over 20 years). I am married. I am married to a human being. This means I am married to someone with character defects, and he is married to someone with character defects. For us to be happily married, we both need to be comfortable with the fact that the other person has character defects. We allow each other the space to have those character defects.
We also allow each other privacy. He has his life, and I have mine. I do not pry into his life. He does not pry into mine. We do not have access to each others’ devices, data, or communications, nor do we wish to have such access. Nor do we need such access: we are secure in ourselves.
Are we committed to each other? Yes. This means each puts the other first, practically. We share and run a household, and we spend much of our free time together. We do not galivant or have affairs or actively foster jealousy.
What neither of us demands is internal perfection of the other. The practical commitment and devotion more than suffice. We do not require the other person to have no thoughts or feelings of a romantic or intimate nature that stray outside the marriage. That is both unreasonable and unrealistic. Such feelings will sometimes require an outlet, and this will not necessarily involve the spouse or partner. So be it. This is the way of the world. All human beings have to learn to navigate such feelings and have the right to do so without supervision, monitoring, prying, disclosure, interference, chiding, or ultimatums. Everyone is trying to get through as best they can and must be given the space to do that, discretely and privately.
Neither of us have ‘rights’ to the other person’s material or inner life. Love means what is given is given freely. As soon as it is demanded, love has become a transaction. We avoid this.
Neither of us takes the other person’s imagined or known thoughts or feelings personally. Sometimes the other person is more distant, less available, more preoccupied, or working through something. One waits, and eventually the situation rights itself.
Lastly, both of us are realists. This means discarding the romantic notion that the other person will only ever think of one, will only ever look at one, will only ever be interested in one, will be blind to everyone in the world but one, will have no emotional attachments to anyone but one, will need no one but one, and will be so perfectly chaste, even when on their own, that every ounce of their person is yielded up to one. We both recognise that these demands are not only unreasonable and realistic but, if made, would speak to the insecurity of an unstable personality who needs to be the perfect princess to the perfect prince to break even and even exist in the world.
It’s not realistic to require that everyone work through their own nonsense before ever entering into a relationship, because one typically has to ‘learn on the job’, but continuing to act out on the premise that the only acceptable relationship is one in which the other person perfectly adheres to one’s unreasonable and unrealistic demands has to stop. In recovery relationships, unfortunately, sometimes people are sponsored by person who has not worked through their own unreasonable and unrealistic demands, and this further entrenches the problem.
What is the solution? To apply the Steps, the Traditions, and the Concepts to this situation, and to start with the premise: if I’m upset, I’m wrong, and I’m in the relationship to forgive and to serve.