“‘Doctor, I cannot go on like this! I have everything to live for! I must stop, but I cannot! You must help me!’” (The Doctor’s Opinion, Big Book)
Sometimes, I was aware of two powers inside me: the power that wanted life and recovery, and the power that ‘wanted’ self-destruction, oblivion.
At times, I was so thoroughly won over, brainwashed by the guiles of alcoholism, that the tension was relieved and I was single-minded in my cheerful commitment to ongoing alcoholic drinking.
This is a case of Stockholm Syndrome: hijacked and taken hostage by alcoholism, I eventually started to side with it against myself.