“he learned his wife had a disease, compulsive drinking” (ODAT, 30 September)
There’s no great mystery: the alcoholic drinks compulsively. That’s the nature of alcoholism. The ‘ism’ is simply the individual’s disordered relationship with alcohol: they cannot refrain from drinking, and when they drink they go all out, and this brings a myriad of woes.
There’s no ‘ism’ separate from the relationship to alcohol. When the alcoholic—sober—is behaving badly, that’s not their alcoholism; that’s because they behave badly. When the alcoholic—sober—is touchy or beastly, that’s them, not their alcoholism. It’s nice to think that, when they sober up, that will clear up. It might but not because they’re sober per se, though sobriety might be a precondition for their clearing themselves up.
Of course, all of this must be forgiven in the same way as the alcoholism but not housed under the same umbrella.
Likewise, I’m responsible for my touchiness or beastliness. It’s no good blaming it on alcoholism or alanonism or being an adult child. I was a child. But now I’m an adult. I’m no longer a child. It's not my fault I got that way, but the responsibility shifted to me when I reached adulthood.