“It is difficult to overcome the habit of setting standards for our spouses, and expecting them to be followed. … I will not look for perfection in another person until I have attained perfection myself.” (ODAT, 12 August)
That’s what boundaries are, which is why I don’t set them.
No point. They won’t be followed, or, if they are, they will be followed in
such a way as to create the most terrible strain within the person and on the
relationship.
I can sometimes indicate preferences (although it’s a good
idea to wait until I’m no longer feeling aggrieved, or even the mildest
expression of preference will come across as a sledgehammer manipulation: when
I act the victim, I put the whole room on tenterhooks.)
If I really must express a preference, I ask God for the
timing and the words, and at least then the expression will be harmless. In His
hands, I find myself regularly blocked from saying anything at all.
In my experience, however, preferences are usually ignored,
too, so I’ve come to wonder if there is any point even in expressing those.
Sometimes they’re followed for a while, but people usually revert to the status
quo ante. The same goes for telling people ‘how they affect me’. Either the
person has the capacity to work things out for themselves or they don’t. If
they don’t, telling them tends not to help either.
The smart money is on adjusting myself, not adjusting them.