“We suffer more than we need to, and often, perhaps, because we want to.” (ODAT, 13 August)
The other day, someone asked me whether they should join a second twelve-step fellowship and take the steps in it. I pointed out that the twelve steps are broadly the same, so the person already had a solution (although, of course, different meetings, literature, and fellowship can provide a good supplement). The person was very disappointed that they had a solution already. They would have preferred not to have had a solution and for the solution to lie at the end of another rainbow, another laborious journey. The answer took away the excuse—the cover story—for the unhappiness. It was preferable to be unhappy because there was no solution available right here right now than to admit that one had been indulging unhappiness in the face of a solution immediately to hand.
The problem one has most of the time is not the problem that is presenting; it is the fact that it is being enjoyed.
I used to lie in bed avoiding the world, complaining about how depressed I was, and weeping about things that had happened in the past or various narratives about myself. I would then look in the mirror to see what a weeping adult looked like, and I was much impressed at the tragic figure I cut.
Someone suggested I get out of bed and get on with being useful.
I did not like this at all.
It turns out I was far happier being unhappy than being happy.
This is why trying to help people usually doesn’t work. Whatever I said, I was often happier being unhappy: this is why, when people would offer a solution, I would find something wrong with it.
In contrast, the Twelve Steps suggest we just say what worked for us and leave it at that.
For those that really want a solution, it’s there, and it doesn’t need to be said more than once.