“The alcoholic at certain times has no effective mental defense against the first drink.” (Page 43, Big Book)
In a healthy person, ideas present themselves and are
reviewed, and action is then formulated and taken.
In me, drinking, this is what appeared to be happening. I
appeared to be thinking of a drink, soundly assessing the proposition,
concluding it was a good idea, and doing it. In other words, it felt like the
normal formation and implementation of the will.
Drinking was bad for me, both on the occasions of drinking,
the next day, and across my life. I was not, therefore, soundly assessing the
facts and the proposal of a drink. The notion I was acting in accordance with
my will was therefore an illusion.
For my alcoholism to get me to drink, it must first of all
convince me that a drink is a good idea, then erase the awareness that it has
done any convincing at all, in other words, it must cover its tracks so that I
believe that the idea is mine, the idea aligns with my will, and the idea is as
sound as any sound idea that I have.
It must thus do two things at once: convince me whilst
concealing the fact it is convincing me.
Occasionally, I will have a vague sense that this is
happening:
“I vaguely sensed I was not being any too smart” (Page 36, Big Book)
However, typically, the alcoholism is so successful that its
two-part play pays off entirely:
“We now see that when we began to drink deliberately, instead of casually, there was little serious or effective thought during the period of premeditation of what the terrific consequences might be.” (Page 37, Big Book)
I can tell that my drinking was against my will not from how
it felt to me when it was happening but by these five criteria:
(1) I drank more than I intended
(2) I did bad things drunk I would not do sober
(3) My drinking was harmful
(4) The next day I regretted my drinking and actions
(5) Over time, the trajectory was downwards
These are the five telltale signs I’m being hoodwinked.
Any one of those five will do.
What’s your experience?