“Haven’t we tried all sorts of tricks to outwit him—to make him stop drinking, to make him join AA, to make him go to more meetings, or go to fewer meetings?” (ODAT, 23 March)
The tricks to outwit, to make someone do something, did not stop when I let go of the alcoholic.
In fact, I had already generalized the habit into a system of living.
The three things I wanted to make people were (a) approve of me (b) withhold disapproval of me (c) have nice feelings and never feel sad, awkward, frightened, inadequate, or angry.
It is this aggressive attempt to interfere in how others think and feel, even before we examine the action domain, which is experienced by others as so intrusive and smothering.
Examples of behaviours whose purpose is to alter how others think (chiefly about me) or what they feel (chiefly about me):
- Being unable to say, ‘I do not know,’ and just talking instead
- Being unwilling to say ‘no’ in case others are upset
- Hesitating, rambling, or explaining rather than just answering ‘yes’ or ‘no’
- Doing other people’s duties in their place
- Apologising for not doing other people’s duties in their place
- Apologising for not doing something no one asked me to do
- Volunteering when no volunteers have been asked for
- Volunteering when I do not have the time, ability, or resources to do the job
- Volunteering when I do not know what the job is or how to do the job
- Helping when no one asked me to help
- Offering solutions no one asked for
- Trying to fix a situation I do not understand
The list goes on.
Instead, the reading says:
“Attending to my own business will keep me from becoming a slave to a situation; that is why I will not get myself involved too deeply.”
This means (a) not thinking about others (b) keeping my busyness to my own business (c) keeping things as simple as staying close to God and doing precisely and only what God asks me to do, to create a good life for myself.