1. Discussing ‘the relationship’ really means a combination of:
- me talking about me
- me talking about him
- him talking about him
- him talking about me
It’s fine for me to talk about me, and it’s fine for him to
talk about him, but talking about each other to each other is usually a recipe
for disaster.
When people talk about ‘the relationship’, they usually mean
complaining to the other person about their behaviour in the hope they will
change. This does not work. If you want to kill a relationship, talk about it
to the person. Deal with darkness and grievance elsewhere and do not leak.
2. I therefore talk only about me and let him talk about him,
and let it go at that
3. What don’t I talk about?
- Any negative feelings about him
- Negative feelings in general: this needs to be dealt with
with the appropriate person (sponsor, confessor, God)
- Anything I think he is doing wrong
- Anything that could be construed as complaint, accusation,
blame; you get the picture
4. What do I talk about?
- Gratitude
- My day
- Thinks I like or that are interesting
- My own behaviour (apology)
- My own love etc. for him
I also ask if there is anything I can do to help, or
anything I should stop doing, start doing, or do differently.
5. Is there any exception?
There are two:
(a) I occasionally make polite requests for my other half to
stop doing something, start doing something, or do something differently. Such
requests are limited to practical, usually trivial household-related matters
and never concern my emotions or grievances. This option is to be invoked
sparingly and only where absolutely necessary.
(b) We sometimes talk in glowing terms about each other and about how we operate together, as one.