“We doubt if many of them can do it, because none will really want to stop, and hardly one of them, because of the peculiar mental twist already acquired, will find he can win out.” (Chapter 3, Big Book)
It was very difficult to tell whether I was drinking in accordance with or against my will.
To drink a drink, I had to want to drink that drink. Every drink therefore seemed in accordance with my will. It appears impossible, therefore, for a person to drink against their will.
My will, properly speaking, is my overall desire in terms of the outcomes, direction, and course of my life.
In the moment, my wish, my wanting, my feeling, might be at odds with the outcomes, direction, and course of my life.
If such discrepancies occur, my life will lurch in all sorts of directions sequentially, like a taxi being directed in turn to different destinations by different occupants.
The best way to tell whether my action is in accordance with my will or against it (whether drinking or another behaviour) is this:
- Did I coldly intend to do what I did?
- Did I regret it afterwards?
- Did it work against my best interests?
If I acted against my cold intention, if I regretted it afterwards, if it worked against my best interests, then I have a problem: a rogue desire is operating, and, if the behaviour repeats, I am acting under compulsion, co-opted by that desire to do its will.