“We saw that these resentments must be mastered, but how?” (Chapter 5, Big Book)
[See pages 63 to 67 for full details]
First three columns
- Who or what triggered the upset?
- What precisely did they do or what is the state of affairs?
- Where have my plans been disturbed? How they treated me (PR, SR)? Wants (A)? Needs (S?) Money (PB)? Image (P)? Self-image (SE)?
Now let’s unwind the resentment.
Facts
- I don’t have all the facts
- I have only those as present themselves to me
- Many of those ‘facts’ are not facts at all
- I have little or no access to the past
- I have no access at all to the future
- I have no access to others’ thoughts
- I have no access to others’ motivations
- I know but a fragment of the truth
Perspective
- I see things from my perspective
- There are eight billion other people
- There are communities, companies, agencies, countries
- Each of these has a different perspective
- My ‘perspective’ is woefully distorted
Picture
- How I see things depends on the facts
- ... and on my perspective
- ... and on how I assemble the picture from those parts
- My ability to assemble a fair, rational picture is flawed
- Not just because I’m working with fragments
- But because my reason is in itself flawed
- And skewed by my interests
Scheme
- To resent is to say ‘this should not be so’
- This means I have a notion of how things should be
- That is my ‘scheme’
- My ‘scheme’ will not make me happy (pp. 60–62)
- My unhappiness is coming from the scheme
- Not its failure to come off
- To be happy I must drop the scheme
- This leaves me merely with what is
- And then I seek God’s will for me instead
Futility
- Discernment is a useful faculty
- Judgement is not
- Resentment achieves nothing
- It does make me unhappy though
Fatality
- Resentment locks me inside myself
- It distorts my perception of reality
- It disconnects me from others
- It disconnects me from reality
- It disconnects me from God
- I need to be connected to God
- I need this to stay sober
- If I resent, I will drink
Powerlessness
- To resent is to be dependent on others
- How they act dictates how I feel
- And the course of my life
- For me to be free, the resentment must go
Judgement
- No one has appointed me as judge
- I do not have the skills of judge
- Condemnation does not help anyone
- I am as flawed as those I judge
- I am in no position to judge
Understanding
- Most people are not behaving badly
- The few that are are largely driven by self
- I can be driven by self
- I must surely identify with this
- And see I cannot fully drop self
- So nor can they
- And some are ill and blind
- As I am sometimes ill and blind
- I look at the situation from others’ point of view
- I develop compassion for others
Love
- Appeal to God for rescue from resentment
- Affirm that God’s will be done
- Seek, from God, understanding of others
- Ask God how I can help others
Inventory: mistakes
- Where is my perception wrong?
- What did I do I should not have?
- What did I not do I should have?
- How should I see things instead?
- What corrective action is required?
Inventory: selfishness
- What of my interests am I promoting?
- What of others’ interests am I neglecting?
- What corrective action is required?
Inventory: self-seeking
- What was my gameplan?
- What should my gameplan be instead?
Inventory: dishonesty
- Where did I lie?
- Where did I wrongly conceal?
- Where did I misrepresent?
- Where did I deceive myself?
- Where did I scheme or plot?
- What is the truth?
- What corrective action is required?
Inventory: fear
- What have I feared?
- What outcomes must I let go of?
- What possibilities must I face with cheer and courage?
- How would God have me be?
- How would God have me act?
Inventory: blame
- Where did I set the ball rolling?
- Where did I compound the problem?
- What should I have done instead?
- What corrective action is required?
Inventory: faults
- What are my defects of character, here?
- What are the opposing virtues?
Inventory: wrongs
- How did I harm others?
- What amends are required?
Takeaway formula
- Humility: I know but a fragment of the truth
- Trust: I drop my plans and accept God’s preferable plan
- Perspective: I see things from others’ point of view
- Compassion: I actively develop benevolence towards others
- Boundaries: I seek to improve only my own attitudes and actions
- Prayer: I pray for the above and for God’s will
- Action: I take the action indicated