Guilt buster

 First things first

• Let’s separate out guilt from shame
• Let’s call guilt the feeling associated with bad behaviour
• Let’s call shame the sense of fundamental unworthiness

Shame (low self-worth, low self-esteem)

• If I feel I am fundamentally unworthy, I am wrong
• This is because each human is of inestimable value
• That means that my value cannot be estimated
• That value is not affected by:
  • What I think of myself
  • What others think of me
  • Anything I do
  • Anything that happens to me
  • The course of my life
  • Any material feature of me or my life
• If I continue to feel such shame, two things have gone wrong
• I have judged myself
• I have assented to that judgement
• In truth:
  • No one has asked me to judge myself
  • I do not have the skill to do so
  • I do not have the data to do so
  • To assent to this judgement is arrogance
• The problem behind shame is therefore arrogance
• It is impossible to have shame without having self-belief
• … because I am believing my own estimate of myself
• Even if that estimate originated in others, I have adopted it
• So it is still my adoption that is the problem
• Let me repeat: When I feel shame, I am wrong
• The question:
  • Am I willing to admit I am wrong?
  • Or would I prefer to retain my rightness at the cost of shame?

Why should I believe I am of inestimable value?

“If what we have learned and felt and seen means anything at all, it means that all of us, whatever our race, creed, or colour are the children of a living Creator with whom we may form a relationship upon simple and understandable terms as soon as we are willing and honest enough to try.” (Chapter 2, Big Book)

If I am a child of God, I am essentially made of the same stuff: the sun and its rays; the ocean and its waves. Loved and of intrinsic value.

Either I accept this proposition or I do not. If I do not, I am trusting my own judgement.

If I accept this proposition and what it entails, that is the end of shame, low self-worth, and low self-esteem.

What is my choice to be?

What happens when such shame thoughts return?

They will attempt to return. But I can accept them or I can reject them. The above should be reread as often as necessary until it sinks in and becomes automatic. If I accept returning shame thoughts, I have relapsed back to a position of arrogant self-belief, for such thoughts come from self (the devilish challenger to God). God loves me. Self (the ego) does not. It is not my amigo. To believe it is literally self-belief.

Apply the usual procedures for blocking unwanted thoughts (concerted action, prayer, positive assertion, singing hymns, learning psalms, etc.) Apply such procedures until the thoughts have gone. Be more persistent than they are.

What about guilt?

Guilt is the natural and appropriate signal that I may have done something wrong. The response is not wallowing but to ‘turn the guilt alarm off’ and perform the examination of whether I really have done something wrong. This is where Steps Eight and Nine come in.

If I think I have done something wrong, work Steps Eight and Nine on the matter with a sponsor, make amends as soon as practicable (right now is usually best and appropriate). If the event has just occurred or occurred recently, do it now (discussing it with someone sensible first). Do not go to bed on a quarrel.

To sum up:

• If the guilt is appropriate because I have done something wrong, fix it
• If have done nothing wrong, I can legitimately drop the guilt
• The guilt must be dropped in either case, once its signalling function has been accomplished
• Treat any recurring guilt as a malfunction, as one would a fire alarm that reports a past not a current fire

If one has not yet completed Steps Eight and Nine so has many of these to complete:

• Give all such situations to God
• Say:
  • I’m working hard at the programme (several hours a day)
  • [Make sure you’re doing this! If you’re not, start doing it.]
  • I cannot go faster than I am going
  • I therefore trust that God has forgiven me provisionally
  • And the final forgiveness will come through when I have made final amends
  • Until then, I am free, provided I continue to make sterling progress
• Talk to a sponsor about making provisional amends or setting things straight with:
  • Current colleagues
  • Family
  • Close friends
  • Etc.
• … not to cover the past in its entirety but to establish goodwill and facilitate usefulness and functioning working relations

Once one has made amends, even if they have not been accepted and the person remains peevish, my part is over. Bless them and move on. Then take whatever steps are necessary to avoid a recurrence.

But the Big Book does not say anything about preliminary amends!

Yes, but Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions does:

Most of us begin making certain kinds of direct amends from the day we join Alcoholics Anonymous. The moment we tell our families that we are really going to try the program, the process has begun. In this area there are seldom any questions of timing or caution. We want to come in the door shouting the good news. After coming from our first meeting, or perhaps after we have finished reading the book ‘Alcoholics Anonymous,’ we usually want to sit down with some member of the family and readily admit the damage we have done by our drinking. Almost always we want to go further and admit other defects that have made us hard to live with. This will be a very different occasion, and in sharp contrast with those hangover mornings when we alternated between reviling ourselves and blaming the family (and everyone else) for our troubles. At this first sitting, it is necessary only that we make a general admission of our defects. It may be unwise at this stage to rehash certain harrowing episodes. Good judgement will suggest that we ought to take our time. While we may be quite willing to reveal the very worst, we must be sure to remember that we cannot buy our own peace of mind at the expense of others.

Much the same approach will apply at the office or factory. We shall at once think of a few people who know all about our drinking, and who have been most affected by it. But even in these cases, we may need to use a little more discretion than we did with the family. We may not want to say anything for several weeks, or longer. First we will wish to be reasonably certain that we are on the AA beam. Then we are ready to go to these people, to tell them what AA is, and what we are trying to do. Against this background we can freely admit the damage we have done and make our apologies. We can pay, or promise to pay, whatever obligations, financial or otherwise, we owe. The generous response of most people to such quiet sincerity will often astonish us. Even our severest and most justified critics will frequently meet us more than halfway on the first trial.