Smashed

“The delusion that we are like other people, or presently may be, has to be smashed.” (Chapter 3, Big Book)

Imagine Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde. Dr Jekyll has to understand that Mr Hyde cannot be brought under his control: if he takes the potion and becomes Mr Hyde, Mr Hyde is now in charge and will wreak havoc. The delusion that Mr Hyde can be controlled must be smashed.

But this knowledge alone will be insufficient, because Mr Hyde has acquired the ability to take over, against Dr Jekyll’s will.

The delusion that I will find a way to drink safely was what prevented me from seeking help, ultimately from a higher power, so the smashing of the delusion was necessary but it was not sufficient: I was just as much at the mercy of drinking again, just now without the intellectual justification for the experiment but instead with the terrifying awareness that I was the object of the process, not its subject: I was not in charge; I was not ‘deciding to drink’; the alcoholism was deciding to drink, and my choice was to yield or temporarily resist, and even that choice was largely out of my hands.